An Insulting Situation

Q: My daughter insults me any chance she gets. For example, when I offered to help with college applications, she said she didn’t need any assistance from a housewife. My heart is broken by this constant stream of insulting behavior. My husband words long hours and tries to stay out of this, but it’s gotten to the point that I don’t even want to talk to her! What can I do?

A: Quite a lot, as it turns out. Since your daughter’s likely a senior (the college applications were a clueJ), I’m not sure there’s much you can do to change her attitude—the only person who can change that is your daughter.

But that doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do to rectify the situation. Start by stop playing the game. Make no mistake, your reaction is partly to blame. Not that she has any right to insult you, but because of how you react to her insults, she has gotten addicted to finding ways to get that reaction. So to cut down on the insults, cut down on your participation. It takes two to play this game, but if you stop playing, she’ll lose interest.

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Remember, teenagers, especially teen girls, are drama queens. Your reaction to her insults feeds the drama machine and thus keeps the cycle of insults/reactions going on and on and on. Deprive those insults of their oxygen and your daughter’s insults will slowly “starve” away.

If you must reply to her, simply raise your eyebrows and murmur, “hmmm, interesting” or something vague. Then walk away. Don’t respond to anything insulting she says with less than a noncommittal answer—but only do this once. She’ll try to follow you to engage the game, but just keep walking away. Go in your room and close the door in her face if you have to.

By not playing the game with her, you will step off the rollercoaster and leave her to stew in her own juices. Soon, she will tire of playing a game that doesn’t go her way, and her insults will lessen. Continue this each time she’s defiant and disrespectful, and you’ll develop a more calm attitude toward her.

Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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Expecting Christmas

Do you sometimes see December 25 on the calendar and want to run in the opposite direction? How many gingerbread men, holiday parties and bows affixed to presents does one have to endure in a few short weeks?

Sometimes we get caught up in making sure our family’s Christmas Is. The. Best. Ever. And in the process, we lose something of our ourselves as we rush hither and yon in search of the perfect present, the perfect tree, the perfect holiday party outfit and the perfect Christmas cookie. Often, what we’re really running around for is not to please ourselves but to meet the expectations of others, spoken or perceived.

We picture what an ideal Christmas should look like, no matter that our family doesn’t like to sing carols, or that Junior is allergic to pine needles. We carry that image around in our minds and measure everything we do to ensure that it meets an impossible vision of Christmas.

What we end up being is simply exhausted, frustrated and grumpy when we should be happy, relaxed and joyful during this season of celebrating our families, friends and the birth of our Savior.

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It doesn’t have to be like that. You can jump off the Christmas merry-go-round and have the Christmas you really want, leaving behind those expectations that tangle us up in knots much like last year’s tree lights. My article, “Great (Christmas) Expectations,” on Crosswalk.com gives some simple ways to unchain ourselves from the expectations of others and to truly love this season of joy.

Remember that you and your family should be the only ones to decide what Christmas will look like—it doesn’t have to be postcard perfect, it doesn’t have to have what’s always been done if no one enjoys that, and it doesn’t have to be what you think is required. It just has to be what fits your family and your schedule.

Until next time,

Sarah

Early in 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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Sitting Still

Q: How can I get my three and six year olds to sit still? We have a hard time going out to eat or even attending a short children’s program without them popping up constantly like a Jack in the box.

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A: The short answer is by training them. Now before you think I’m equating kids with dogs, let me explain. Children are not born with the ability to act like civilized human beings. That’s the job of parents—to turn little beasts into courteous boys and girls.

But that doesn’t happen overnight and it doesn’t happen without a plan and effort. So here’s one way you can accomplish your goal of having kids who can sit quietly in a variety of settings.

First, remember that this will take some time. I’m assuming you haven’t done much in the training department in this regard, so give your kids time to adjust to the new requirements.

Second, practice at home. Kids do well with role-playing, so practice how to sit in a restaurant at your kitchen table. Also help your child learn to entertain himself quietly by giving him time throughout the day to color, look at a book, etc. This will help him occupy himself when you need him sitting in a chair.

Third, stash a “quiet bag” in your car for each kid. This small bag should have a few books, doodle pads, a small bag of crayons and coloring book, lace ups, etc. When you know you’ll be someplace where the kids have to sit still, bring along the quiet bag for his entertainment. Having one for each child will also cut down on squabbles over the items.

Fourth, start small and build on those success. Begin with having a child sit quietly at home for 5 minutes (use a kitchen timer if that will help), then work your way slowly up to half an hour or so.

So take the time to train your kids on how to sit still—it’s time well spent.

Until next time,

Sarah

Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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The Green Eyed Monster

This time of year, it’s difficult for kids to fight the envy and jealousy that can overcome them like the waves on the sand. With advertisements bombarding us from all angles telling us how much happier we’d be if we only had X, it’s no wonder children have trouble with giving and not getting during the month of December.

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But don’t despair! There are some things parents can do to help kids keep that green-eyed monster caged.

1. Focus on the season, not the gifts. Yes, it’s hard to not think about what you want for Christmas! However, if we as parents only talk about the buying, wrapping and distributing of gifts, we’re showing our kids that the most important thing about this time of year is the presents. Make sure the intangibles, such as visits with far-flung relatives, decorating the tree as a family, and giving to someone else in need, are front and center with the gifts taking second place.
2. Stack your time with family-oriented, free events. Devise a game to see who can come up with the best free, holiday-themed outing for the entire family. Things like driving around the neighborhood to look at the lights or visiting the mall only to see the displays can be fun things that don’t cost anything.
3. Have a “I’m thankful for…” jar. Decorate a container with an open lid and put it on the kitchen counter labeled “What I’m thankful for....” Provide a pen and slips of paper for family members to jot down their thoughts in words or pictures. Then pick a night in December to sit around the tree and read the notes.
4. Make thank you notes a part of the season. We have a motto about thank you notes: If you can’t write the note, you don’t keep the gift. That has kept complaining pretty much nonexistence and it has helped them to remember that someone took the time to buy that present especially for them.

The main thing is to think back to your own childhood Christmases. What brings a smile to your face today? Was mostly specific presents? Or was it the memories of making gingerbread with your grandmother, the crisp winter air that tingled your nose as you went caroling with your siblings, or the laughter as you played a family game? Remembering that those are the kind memories your children will cherish can help you not get carried away by the material aspects—nice as they are—of this season.

How do you help your children not be consumed by the green-eyed monster?

Until next time,

Sarah

Early in 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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Count Your Blessings

With Thanksgiving a mere two days away, I hope you will join me in counting your blessings. Whether you’ve had a really good year so far or a lousy one, each one of us has a reason to be grateful.

But if you need some encouragement to focus on the positive instead of the negative, here are a few of my favorites.

1. Having a thankful heart is the antidote to greed. We all know that being grateful for what you have can ease the grip of envy, but what we don’t often fully understand is that it also breeds contentment. And contentment keeps a check on wanting more “stuff.” Whether it’s buying more stuff for others or ourselves, being thankful for what we have can help us during this season so often marked by marketers trying to entice us to want what we don’t have.
2. Intangibles are better than tangibles. Our families, friends, and fellowship are better for our overall being than more things. Use this season to make sure you’ve told the important people in your life how much they mean to you. If you need to reconcile with anyone, don’t let the year slip away without making amends.
3. Thankfulness makes you happier. There’s probably a study done that supports this with empirical evidence, but gratitude changes your outlook on life.
4. Thankfulness isn’t a feeling, it’s an attitude. You might not feel thankful, but you can become thankful simply by deciding you will list your blessings. Start with the obvious ones—your family, your home, your health, your job, etc. If you don’t have one of those, don’t wallow on that but focus instead on what you do have.
5. Write it down. Make a list of your top 10 things for which to be thankful and tack it up on your fridge or bathroom mirror. Visit it often, adding to it as you think of new things for which to be grateful. There’s nothing like being reminded in black and white of your blessings.
6. Get your kids involved. Come up with a family list of blessings. You’ll be surprised with what your children will say. Turning this into a family affair and let the creative juices flow.

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I’ll close with that old hymn, “Count Your Blessings.” When you are tempted to complain this holiday season, think of these words and realign your heart with thankfulness.

Count Your Blessings

By Jonathan Oatman Jr.

Public Domain

Verse 1

When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Refrain:
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.

Verse 2

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will keep singing as the days go by.

Verse 3

When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
Count your many blessings—money cannot buy
Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.

Verse 4

So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

Until next week,

Sarah

Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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A Terror At School

Q: My kindergartner is having trouble adjusting to school. He behaves at home because I make it clear I won’t tolerate misbehavior, but at school, he is out of control. School policy is to not restrict such a child, so no teacher is stepping in when he starts throwing things or destroying the classroom. Any suggestions for how to get him to behave in school?

A. The good news is that he’s shown he can control himself. After all, he does so at home. It’s likely he’s discovered that he can get way with bad behavior at school and that has feed his inner monster.

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The other good news is that at this age, you can delay punishment for several days, so you can certainly institute consequences at home for misbehavior at school. Meet with the teacher and ask her to implement a simple, weekly behavior chart. My kindergartner brings home such a chart each day, with the day’s block colored in to show his behavior.

Print out such a chart and send it to school each Monday with your son. It’s his responsibility to give it to his teacher in the morning and to get it from her in the afternoon. Even five-year-olds can do this on their own.

The teacher rates his behavior on a color scale or numeral scale agreed upon. Only a full positive rating will be acceptable. Anytime the teacher indicates misbehavior at school, he receives punishment at home. If he fails to bring home the chart, then it’s the same as if he had misbehaved.

When he does bring home a chart indicating misbehavior, make the consequences memorable. For a five-year-old, confining him to his room (stripped of play value), an earlier-than-usual dinner and to bed directly afterwards usually makes a good impression.

If you’re consistent with the consequences, he’ll modify his behavior—eventually. He’s had a good run with being the classroom terror, so don’t expect overnight changes. But he will probably straighten up within a month or so.

PS: Don’t forget to give his teacher a little bit extra for the holidays—she probably wanted to do more, but many public schools hamstring their teachers so much that she can’t effectively curb such behavior.  

Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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Watch Out!

Over the summer, my children and I often went to yard sales together. The girls especially loved to “shop” at the sales. One Saturday morning, I ended up with all four kids accompanying me on a round of garage sales. We stopped at an estate sale, but before we could even enter, someone running the sale barred our entrance. Apparently, children weren’t welcome in the house, probably because too many kids these days run wild throughout public places, smashing into things and people with abandon.

Of course, I couldn’t tell the man that my kids knew how to keep their hands to themselves, because I’m sure he’d heard it before. After all, haven’t you often seen children running around like holy terrors in restaurants or in department stores with their parents seemingly oblivious to their destruction?

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Knowing what your child is doing at any given moment is part of a parent’s job. Yes, we can’t watch our children 24/7, but when we’re in public places, we should be attuned enough to our children’s behavior that we can step in immediately if there’s a problem.

We pad our children within an inch of their lives to ride bikes and scooters, yet we often fail to equip them with the proper training to go out in public. Common courtesy demands that we as a collective society learn to curb our children in public (and private, but that’s a topic for another blog).

It doesn’t take much to show a child how to behave—and then to follow-up misbehaviors with proper consequences. But some parents seem to think it’s not their job to do the training or even pay close attention to their children in a public setting.

Sure, it does take a village to raise a child, but that doesn’t mean a parent abdicates her responsibility to do most of the hard work herself. It’s not a totally thankless role, but it’s one that often gets overlooked in today’s busyness.

So please don’t neglect this important part of raising children. Those of us who share this world with you offer our heartfelt thanks of appreciation for a job well done.

Until next time,

Sarah

Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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