Merry Christmas!

I will be taking the next two weeks off to spend time with family and friends. Have a wonderful Christmas and a very Happy New Year!

I'll be back with fresh blogs starting January 8.

Until next time,
Sarah

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Story for an Absent Father?

Q: Friends and family have informed me that I should have a story to tell my four-year-old daughter about his absent father. Frankly, I’m grateful that he is long gone because of his criminal background and abusive nature. My daughter and I are doing just fine, but recently my daughter said she wondered if there was a daddy for her. I hope never to see her father again, because I would be terrified if he ever showed up. Do I need a father-story for her?

A: Four is the age when kids start noticing differences in families, schools, skin color, etc. So just because she’s notice she doesn’t have a father doesn’t mean she’s upset about it.

As for concocting a story about the missing dad, keep it simple instead. Tell her that some families have fathers that live in the same house and some do not. Her family is one of the ones without a daddy in the home.

Answer any questions about her father with the truth—as much as you can give a four-year-old. Don’t give too much information. If she keeps asking questions that you can’t answer because of her age, just tell her that’s all she needs to know at this point. As she grows up, more questions will come up, and you can answer them as appropriately as possible. However, I would stress that you do not owe her a full explanation at this time or any other time. When your daughter is a grown woman, you may wish to share more details, but that day is long in the future.

One final note: Don’t make a big deal over your daughter’s statements like “I don’t have a daddy.” Your reaction will cue her on how she’s supposed to act. Stay calm and answer matter-of-factly something like “That’s right, some kids don’t.” That should keep her fretting over it to a minimum.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

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Reviving the Lost Art of Writing Thank You

As a child, Christmas meant the smell of a fresh pine tree, glittering with lights and ornaments. There was the thrill of anticipation when awakening Christmas morning and heading downstairs to see the pile of presents nestled underneath the tree. Then reality crashed down the day after when my mother handed me a stack of notepaper and envelopes, and sent me to my room to write thank you letters.

She didn’t send me in ill-prepared, as from an early age—as soon as I could write—she taught me what to say in the notes. The basic components haven’t changed, and I’ve been teaching my children how to properly write thank you notes.

·        Start out with a greeting (Dear Aunt Jan)

·        Open with general thanks for the gift (Thank you for the book on knitting)

·        Say a little something about the gift or how you’ll use it (I can’t wait to start knitting a scarf for my doll)

·        Close with gratitude for the present (I appreciate your taking the time to send me such a lovely gift or Thanks again for the knitting book).

For monetary gifts, the only thing that changes is mentioning how you’ll use the funds (and you don’t mention the specific amount).

In our household, I make sure the gifts are thanked with a handwritten note from the older children and a drawing with signature from the younger ones. Thank yous must be written within days of opening the gifts.

And how do I handle the inevitable complaints? With raised eyebrows and saying, “If you can’t write the note, you don’t get the gift.” The kids know I say what I mean and mean what I say, so that’s usually the last peep on the subject.

It might seem old-fashioned in today’s increasingly electronic world to push children to hand-write thank yous, but consider what they learn while doing so:

• Appreciation for the gift and giver
• Legible penmanship
• Letter composition.
• Common courtesy.

I encourage you this holiday season to start a new tradition of writing thank-you notes—and it wouldn’t hurt for Mom and Dad to set the example by writing notes yourself.

Do you make your children write thank you notes after tearing open their holiday gifts? 

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Clouding the Issue

Q. My five-year-old daughter played hide and seek with a classmate rather than lining up after recess. The two of them also went in through another door at the school. While I don’t know what consequences happened at school, how should I punish her at home? This isn’t the first time the two of them have made mischief together. On a side note, when I talked to my daughter about this, she began yelling that I said she was dumb, etc. What should I do?

A: I highly recommend leveling a memorable home punishment to nip this behavior in the bud. Confine her to her room, which has only the bare essentials (no toys), directly after school, and move up her bedtime to right after supper. Each time you receive a negative report from school, simply tell you daughter what the teacher said (as a statement, not a question), and send her to her room.

Do not let her cloud the issue with her diversion tactics by screaming about what your supposed name calling. Ignore the drama, and she’ll eventually stop doing that as much. She’ll probably always have a certain amount of dramatic outbursts throughout her life, but you’ll handle them better if you realize she’s angry at the situation she caused. I’d recommend acquiring a sense of humor when it comes to those dramatic statements.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

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Good Intentions

During a recent visit with my parents, we all went out to our favorite pizza buffet restaurant, and our four children asked to sit at their own table. We picked a table right beside ours and my husband and I sat with our backs to our children, in order to keep an eye on them.

Near the end of the meal, a woman stopped by our table, obviously upset, to say that, “Someone should tell those girls that it’s not polite to point, make faces and laugh at people.” Somewhat taken aback, I stammered out an apology and then turned to ask the girls what had happened.

The girls in question—ages 9 and 7—vehemently denied having done such a thing, the older one beginning to cry at the accusations. Upon further questioning, it came out that the pair had been engaged in their own storytelling that involved making funny faces and gesturing to the opposite wall, which would have meant those sitting in their path could have misconstrued the situation. Added to their explanation was the fact that we have never seen them behave in such a way toward anyone, we were inclined to believe them. The girls themselves were suitably chastised by the encounter.

But it presented an excellent opportunity to discuss our intentions and how those can be mistaken by others as not good. Their making faces and pointing in public had been misinterpreted by someone as directed at them—and it didn’t paint a flattering picture of the girls’ behavior or character.

We also talked about how the woman must have felt to think they were making fun of her appearance, and how devastated the girls would have felt had they seen someone doing similar things ostensibly about them. Too many times, we forget to talk to our children about trying to avoid the “appearance of evil” in their actions, especially in public or school. While some people will find fault in everything, many times situations like the one discussed in this post could have been avoided if we had curbed our own actions.

It’s a hard lesson to learn, but a vital one that good intentions are not the only thing we need to keep in mind—that we need to have a thought for our fellow man and how our actions might impact him.

Until next time, 

Sarah

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Testing Limits

Q: Our four-year-old son is pushing the envelope all the time. For example, when told repeatedly to stop hitting his sister’s chair, he will laugh at us while still slapping the chair. We immediately put him in his room, but when he’s faced with the consequences of his misbehavior, he will throw a tantrum. While I realize his behavior common, I need some tips on how to manage it appropriate and effectively.

A. One of my children tested the limits a lot as a four-year-old, so I get your frustration. I think the Doctor needs to make a house call. In the morning before he’s had a tantrum, tell her that you spoke to the Doctor and he said four-year-olds who throw tantrums aren’t getting enough sleep. Therefore, whenever he has a tantrum, move up dinner to 5 p.m. that evening and put him to bed, lights out, directly after supper. If the tantrum happens after dinner, the child goes immediately to bed.

Also stop telling him more than once to stop doing something. If he isn’t obedient, then to his room he goes, which you have stripped of “play value.” As long as he’s in his room, don’t be concerned if he throws a tantrum.

I’ll close with one final thought: You can do the right thing and the child can still do the wrong thing. Unfortunately, some kids take longer than others to “straighten up and fly right,” so keep on doing what you’re doing.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

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Counteracting the Dark Side of Self-Esteem

High self-esteem has been the Holy Grail of childhood achievement for years, with many parents, educators, and child-rearing experts proclaiming its ability to heal all the ills of society. Children were heaped with lots of praise, even for mediocre or failing efforts, and all that positive reinforcement has created a generation of kids who think only of themselves. After all, everyone has told them their entire lives that they are wonderful, practically perfect people.

Even adults have jumped on the high self-esteem bandwagon, with employers doling out kudos for doing the basics on a job, and employees expecting a pat on the back for showing up every day at work. What nobody stopped to think about is how high self-esteem would impact the society as a whole.

When everybody thinks he or she is more important than anyone else—and that’s the result of being fed a steady diet of praise for anything and everything—then the culture suffers. A prime example is the way drivers treat funeral possessions these days.

The Washington Post ran a front-page article today about how motorists cut into the lines of cars with funeral placards, honk at the delay when a possession goes by, and other impatient, I’m-more-important-than-you actions. To me, this shows the low regard others have for being even slightly inconvenienced by waiting for a funeral possession to pass.

How we act when we’re inconvenienced says a lot about how we value others. Are we tapping our foot when the cashier makes a mistake checking us out? Do we roll our eyes and mutter under our breath when someone cuts us off at a light? Have we been guilty of expressing our displeasure when our late arrival to an appointment means we have to wait longer? Do we treat customer service personnel—in person, on the phone or on live chats—with respect and courtesy, no matter the interaction?

When these incidents happen in front of our kids, what does that show them? That we’re the most important people in the world, and therefore deserve special treatment from others. And if everyone believes that, lives their lives that way, we will soon have a society filled with rude, demanding and awful people.

With Christmas coming in a few short weeks, let us all make a commitment to leave behind the babble of high self-esteem, and focus instead on being the best spouse, parent, neighbor, resident and citizen we can possibly be.

Let’s show our children that serving others brings joy and happiness, not just to the person being served, but to the those doing the serving.

Let’s commit to being more concerned with humbleness and respect for others than feeling good about ourselves at all costs.

Let’s live the Golden Rule—Do unto others as you would have them do unto you—each day, and encourage our children to do the same.

Let’s all make a commitment to make this holiday season one that not all about what we will receive and what others can do for us, but about what we can give and do for others.

Let’s take the focus off of us and our wants, needs, desires, feelings, and put it on others, showering our families, friends, co-workers, teachers, neighbors and fellow Americans of all shapes, sizes and color.

Light the light of humbleness and respect for others in your own hearts, and watch as your light glows in the lives of those with which you come in contact.

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Do Not Disturb the Family Peace

Over the summer, as I was writing in the downstairs office, I heard a ruckus upstairs. Sounds of screaming that didn’t sound quite so happy. With four children between the ages of 4 and 10, one gets used to a certain amount of loudness, but my mother’s radar detected something different in these sounds.

I followed the source to my girls’ room, where the 10-year-old was attempting to drag the 9-year-old out of the room because she “wanted her room to herself.” Never mind that the room was both of theirs, she wanted to be alone. I separated the pair for a cooling off period, thinking that a 10-year-old was a little too young to pull a Greta Garbo.

Sibling conflict can be overwhelming, especially when you have a mix of ages and genders. Most of the time, my children do play well together with a minimum of fuss. But it’s inevitable that conflict will raise its ugly head at times. Through in the holidays, with all the excitement and anticipation, and things can go south in a hurry.

The way you as a parent handle sibling clashes can help—or hinder—how your children interact with each other. Here’s how we handle sibling clashes.

We decided that we would not play referee. It was not our job to intervene when the wailing started out of sight. We would not judge who was right and who was wrong. No assigning roles of victim or villain for us. If we happened to actually see the wrongdoing, that was another thing. But we would not participate after the fact in their disagreements. We would give kisses, but would not encourage tattling.

To enforce this, we created a chart and stuck it to the refrigerator. Titled “Do Not Disturb the Family Peace,” the chart outlined what would earn every child a ticket:

1. Keep it down. (Do not become too boisterous or noisy.)
2. No hurting each other. (Do not hit, punch, push or otherwise maim your siblings.)
3. No tattling. (Do not become a snitch on your siblings.)

Clipped to the fridge beside this chart are three tickets, pieces of laminated paper. For each infraction, the entire group loses one ticket. If all three tickets are lost, the entire group goes directly to their rooms for the rest of the day and directly to bed after supper.

This eliminates the problem of trying to figure out what happened. It doesn’t really matter who was at fault, does it? What this system is doing is putting the resolution of conflict onto the children, where it belongs.

When I hear the kids going at it hammer and tongs, I simply walk up, say they are disturbing the family peace and directed one to get a ticket. No arguing, no drama. Then I leave.

So far, in the months we’ve had this system in place, they have yet to lose all three tickets. And if they do, I’ll enjoy a nice day without kids underfoot, and a more relaxing evening with my husband.

Now, would it be terrible of me to wish they would lose all three tickets one day….?

Until next time,
Sarah

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