Q: Friends and family have informed me that I should have a story to tell my four-year-old daughter about his absent father. Frankly, I’m grateful that he is long gone because of his criminal background and abusive nature. My daughter and I are doing just fine, but recently my daughter said she wondered if there was a daddy for her. I hope never to see her father again, because I would be terrified if he ever showed up. Do I need a father-story for her?
A: Four is the age when kids start noticing differences in families, schools, skin color, etc. So just because she’s notice she doesn’t have a father doesn’t mean she’s upset about it.
As for concocting a story about the missing dad, keep it simple instead. Tell her that some families have fathers that live in the same house and some do not. Her family is one of the ones without a daddy in the home.
Answer any questions about her father with the truth—as much as you can give a four-year-old. Don’t give too much information. If she keeps asking questions that you can’t answer because of her age, just tell her that’s all she needs to know at this point. As she grows up, more questions will come up, and you can answer them as appropriately as possible. However, I would stress that you do not owe her a full explanation at this time or any other time. When your daughter is a grown woman, you may wish to share more details, but that day is long in the future.
One final note: Don’t make a big deal over your daughter’s statements like “I don’t have a daddy.” Your reaction will cue her on how she’s supposed to act. Stay calm and answer matter-of-factly something like “That’s right, some kids don’t.” That should keep her fretting over it to a minimum.
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