Parenting Basics: “Stew in Your Own Juices”

Grandma was right! There is an easy way and a hard way to raise kids. By and large, today’s parents are choosing the hard way. This series of blogs will tackle familiar phrases that used to be commonplace but fell out of favor during the last few decades of the 20th century—and why parents should not be afraid to follow the sentiment expressed in the phrases.

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This golden oldie of parenting yesteryear is a must-have for every parent’s repertoire. Basically, stewing in your own juices--or lying in a bed you made-- means facing the consequences of your actions. So many times, we as parents want to shield our children from “bad” consequences brought on by our children’s poor decisions or plain, old bad behavior.

This is one of my favorite phrases, mostly because I love to say “stew in your own juices”—it just sounds rather delicious, don’t you think? To help children want to solve their own problems—and thus not stew in their own juices—parents have to become mean parents, that is parents who mean what they say and say what they mean. Sure, their children might call them Big Meanies, but that’s just because their kids can’t get away with things in their house.

Big Meanies allow children to “stew in their own juices” and “lie in their own beds”, i.e., experience the full consequences of their own misbehavior. This puts the monkey on the back of the only one who can solve the problem—the child.

As long as you step in and try to solve the problem that your child created, the more your child will not solve the problem himself. And the more stress and strife you will create in your home.

The more you step back and let the child solve—or not solve, as the case may be—his own problems, then the more your child will be able to solve his own problems. When your child doesn’t want to, then you leave him alone to suffer the results of his own silly actions, without offering any assistance.

By allowing your child to stew in his own juices, you will be giving him the time to think about what went wrong and how to change things the next time around. Parents who jump in and solve the problem for the child are not providing him with that opportunity—and are thus not letting him learn from his mistakes and to do better the next time.

So mix it up by letting your child stew in his own juices—or lie in his own bed, if you prefer that phrasing—the next time he misbehaves or fails to follow through on something. You might be labeled a Big Meanie, but your child will be the better for it.

Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.