When Children Fail

Q: My eleven-year-old daughter tried out for a local children’s theatrical production and didn’t get a speaking part. She did make it to the chorus, but she’s crushed and says she doesn’t want to be in the chorus. She’s been moping around the house ever since she found out and I’m at a loss with how to help her.

A: Defeat in any form can taste bitter, but especially to a child, as children usually count on something happening just because they want it to occur. Lengthy explanations as to why she wasn’t picked are not going to help because she’s not mature enough to appreciate that nor does she want to understand.

The truth is always best, and it doesn’t have to be mean. You probably don’t know why she wasn’t chosen. It could be because someone else was better, or the director wanted a certain “look,” or he knows the family of the girl who was picked. All of those are situations that we as adults encounter every day in the work world and social world. So skip trying to parse out the why and focus instead on the what.

The what is that she wasn’t chosen, and she needs to learn how to “lose” gracefully. Throughout her life, she’ll have plenty of opportunity to practice being gracious as a winner and as one who comes in second, third, or last place. The sooner you can help her develop a good response to life’s disappointments, the better off she’ll be.

Tell her something like: “I know you’re disappointed in not getting the part you wanted. It’s okay to be sad about that. Lots of actors start out in the chorus, and it’s a good place to learn about being in the theater. It’s up to you to decide how you’re going to handle this: you can mope about it and skip the chorus, or you can put it behind you and focus on being the best chorus girl you can be and have fun. The choice is yours.”

Then don’t bring it up again. Let her figure out how she wants to handle the situation. Endless talking about it will only make her feel worse. If she brings it up again and wants to talk about how sad she is, tell her that the topic is closed. That’s not being mean, that’s helping her to move on and focus on living, not what happened in the past. A good lesson for us all.