Q: I recently confiscated my teenager’s phone for another infraction and discovered photographs of a graphic, sexual nature. I’m unsure whether my son sent this to someone or had the photos sent to him, or simply downloaded them from the Internet.
I’m not sure what to do. On the one hand, I respect his privacy. But on the other hand, I don’t think this is right. He’s a 15-year-old freshman, and has been struggling to fit in at school.
A: It sounds like you’d better step in sooner rather than later before your son winds up in court on pornography charges (as has been reported as happening to other teens in the news recently). This is serious stuff, and you don’t want your son to face serious consequences.
It’s time to have a frank talk with him, preferably with both parents. Don’t mince words that this is very serious, and can have far-reaching consequences. Talk about how he’s breaking the law to have such images on his phone, computer, whatever. Also stress that if he sends such images to any of his friends, he is breaking the law and could be prosecuted. Find some recent examples (you won’t have to look too far) and share those with him.
At the end of the talk, tell him that he has lost all phone privileges for at least six months, and that you’re trading in his phone for a low-end model that doesn’t allow photo-taking or sharing. You might have to do some digging, but I’m sure you can find a stripped down phone, if he must have a cell phone. I’d be inclined to nix the phone entirely.
Then remind him that you will be spot checking his computer and/or tablet usage to monitor that he’s not viewing or downloading pornography. You cannot overemphasize the seriousness of this, although you might want to break the talk down into smaller chunks to avoid his tuning you out.
You want to help your son learn how to make good choices, but ultimately, he’s the one who has to decide what those choices are. All you can do is limit his liability while he’s living under your roof and pray that what you say and do will have a positive impact on his life.
I’m including a link to an article I wrote on digital dating abuse that shows how sending sexual images can predict physical and sexual abuse. It’s important that parents realize these types of photographs are not innocent fun or boys being boys.
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