Watch Out!

Over the summer, my children and I often went to yard sales together. The girls especially loved to “shop” at the sales. One Saturday morning, I ended up with all four kids accompanying me on a round of garage sales. We stopped at an estate sale, but before we could even enter, someone running the sale barred our entrance. Apparently, children weren’t welcome in the house, probably because too many kids these days run wild throughout public places, smashing into things and people with abandon.

Of course, I couldn’t tell the man that my kids knew how to keep their hands to themselves, because I’m sure he’d heard it before. After all, haven’t you often seen children running around like holy terrors in restaurants or in department stores with their parents seemingly oblivious to their destruction?

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Knowing what your child is doing at any given moment is part of a parent’s job. Yes, we can’t watch our children 24/7, but when we’re in public places, we should be attuned enough to our children’s behavior that we can step in immediately if there’s a problem.

We pad our children within an inch of their lives to ride bikes and scooters, yet we often fail to equip them with the proper training to go out in public. Common courtesy demands that we as a collective society learn to curb our children in public (and private, but that’s a topic for another blog).

It doesn’t take much to show a child how to behave—and then to follow-up misbehaviors with proper consequences. But some parents seem to think it’s not their job to do the training or even pay close attention to their children in a public setting.

Sure, it does take a village to raise a child, but that doesn’t mean a parent abdicates her responsibility to do most of the hard work herself. It’s not a totally thankless role, but it’s one that often gets overlooked in today’s busyness.

So please don’t neglect this important part of raising children. Those of us who share this world with you offer our heartfelt thanks of appreciation for a job well done.

Until next time,

Sarah

Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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Parenting Basics: “What’s the Magic Word?”

Grandma was right! There is an easy way and a hard way to raise kids. By and large, today’s parents are choosing the hard way. This series of blogs will tackle familiar phrases that used to be commonplace but fell out of favor during the last few decades of the 20th century—and why parents should not be afraid to follow the sentiment expressed in the phrases.

Photo Credit: Jupiterimages/Stock Photos/Photos.com

I’m often asked how you teach manners. The simple answer is just like you teach everything else: by example and instruction. If you’re not minding your own manners, then your children aren’t going to mind theirs.

For example, my husband and I realized a while ago that we were not setting a good example at the dinner table. We were mumbling around food in our mouths and interrupting each other and our children. So we instituted a “game” that would call out the offender for those infractions in a fun way—and as a result, we’re all eating more pleasantly and not interrupting nearly as often as before.

Start teaching manners when your children are young and add to the expectations as they grow. Parents have been using, “What’s the Magic Word?” to prompt usage of “please” for years, a phrase that is still in use today. That phrase works only on young children, though. Once a child is older, you should expect that he’ll remember to say “please” on his own. The prompting is for a toddler who doesn’t recall the proper way to ask and is more likely to demand than request.

Remember that manners are for others more than for oneself—and teaching our children respect, compassion, character, civilization and a better family through manners is no easy job. The small ways in which we honor others by thinking of them first--that's what manners are really about!--can often enrich the lives of others in ways we may never know.

So when it seems like no one else is instructing their children in manners, take heart and keep plugging away. Teaching manners is a gift we parents give to the community at large. Our job to civilize the little heathens that are our children can be thankless at times, but we are sowing seeds that will reap a harvest in the years to come. 

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Training A Child to Speak Politely

Q: What would be a good way to teach children to address adults as either ma’am or sir? We live in the South, and this type of respect is very common. I want my two children, ages two and five, to do this as a sign of respect and a nod to our culture. But I’m always nagging my older child to add the ma’am and sir. I’m tired of sounding like a broken record. I don’t want to make this a big deal, but I want results and no more nagging!

Photo Credit: PhotoObjects.net/Stock Photos/Photos.com

A: We, too, believe in adding ma’am and sir after yeses and nos, and it took a little time before our children caught on. We simply decided that it was a big deal and then worked on it with all of the kids at once (the youngest was around three at the time).

The easiest way to do this is to tell your children that you expect them to answer any adult—including you—with yes/no ma’am/sir. Inform the older child once, then stop giving second chances. No prompting, “Yes, what?” The younger one, you’ll need to make it more of a game, but he should follow the example of his older sibling in time.

When he doesn’t answer correctly by just saying, “Yes,” then send him directly to his room for an hour, keep him inside for an hour or pull the plug on a favorite TV show for the day—whatever you think will make an impression on him. At five, he’s plenty old enough to remember to say ma’am and sir.

With the holidays just around the corner, now is the perfect time for practicing his manners. Before we head out to go trick-or-treating, I remind my children that if they don’t remember to say, “Trick or Treat” and “Please,” and “Thank you,” when they knock on door—in a voice loud enough for us to hear them—then the candy they receive goes into Mom and Dad’s stash. That’s enough to make them overcome their “shyness” and remember their manners.

Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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Get Out the (Kids) Vote

Election Day always brings a fissure of excitement to our household, even years—like this one—that are not presidential or even congressional elections. We are a family that embraces any chance to vote for our local, state and federal governments as a chance to participate fully in this great nation of ours.

But on the so-called “off years,” those without federal candidates up for office, turnout is likely to be low, very low. I always take my kids whenever possible to the polls so that they can learn from an early age why voting matters. If our children see us not caring about who runs our local government, or our state, then why should they? If our kids see us only voting on the “big” elections, like the presidential ones, they will conclude that only those really matter.

And that would be a shame, because it’s the local elections that have the biggest impact on our daily lives. It’s the statewide elections that often dictate how our tax money is spent and how our schools are run. Each chance to cast your vote is a chance to put democracy into action.

For our kids, imparting that sense of responsibility about voting is the foundation of what makes a good citizen. By helping our children understand citizenship, we can start them on the path to being involved citizens when they grow up.

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Here are some ways to instill a right understanding—and a love of voting—in your children.

Look at the historical record. There are many examples of men and women who changed the course of history through the political system. There are also instances of when one vote—or a few votes—made the difference in an election.

Debate the issues.With younger children, discuss what each candidate believes. For older kids, hold mock debates to bring the issues alive.

Join the cause.If you have older teens, they can participate in campaigning for a particular candidate alongside you. Walking neighborhoods, making phone calls and giving out literature can give them an appreciation for what it takes to run for office.

Let them vote with you. Don’t leave the kids at home when you go vote. I still remember the thrill of joining my mom in the old-fashioned voting booths, the ones with the little levers and the curtain that swooshed closed when you were inside. Those memories helped spur me to register to vote—and to exercise my right to cast a ballot.

You can read more about why we should teach our kids to vote in “Why we should teach our kids about the election process.”

Until next time,

Sarah

Early next year, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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Boo! Spooky Lessons From a Scary Holiday

To most kids, Halloween can be one of the best holidays ever. Dressing up, getting candy, staying up late—what could be better to a child? But sometimes, Halloween can be frightening to parents. What about the scary costumed older kids your little one may encounter? Will the candy be safe to eat? What about knocking on the doors of strangers—won’t that send the wrong message to my kids?

Image courtesy of hin255/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Here are some tips to make Halloween safe and fun for your children.

1. Costume safety comes before fashion. If a hemline drags the ground, chances are your child will tip over sometime during the evening. If a mask is too loose, your kid might fall down, too. Make sure the costumes aren’t a walking hazard for your child and you’ll have an easier evening.
2. Stick to your own neighborhood. Unless you live in candy wasteland, resist the urge to go to the mall or another neighborhood to trick-or-treat. Part of the fun of Halloween is actually talking to your neighbors! Introduce yourselves and your kids, and be sure to say hello the next time you see him mowing the lawn.
3. Mind your manners. Remind your children to speak to the grownups who open their doors, saying “please” and “thank you.” Also, ask them not to grab big handfuls of candy from the offered bowl. We make it a rule that if we can’t hear the “thank you” from each child from our post a few feet away, then that candy is ours. We’ve never had to enforce that rule, come to think of it! Somehow, the kids manage to be pretty clear in their thanks.
4. Have a candy-eating policy before Halloween. We generally allow the kids to eat a lot of candy on Halloween itself. Then they can take a piece with their lunch until it’s gone. Sometimes that means Halloween candy is being consumed close to Christmas, but candy doesn’t go bad, right? The kids know that if they sneak candy, Mom and Dad get to eat the rest!
5. Giving is as good as receiving. Part of the fun for our family is returning home and handing out candy to those who knock on our door. All of our kids really enjoy this part of the evening and are disappointed if no one comes looking for candy.

Whatever your Halloween traditions, stay safe and have a sweet time! I know my Dorothy, Mary, Robin Hood and Dragon will.

Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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Scared Stiff

I was quite the scaredy cat as a child. Shadows in the night spooked me at times, and let’s not think about things that went bump in the darkness! Forget watching scary movies or even those with the barest hint of zombies, vampires, ghosts or goblins.

Some of my friends had no such qualms. The scarier the better for them. A moonless night and the sound of a lonely werewolf only brought howls of laughter, not shudders of fear.

Image courtesy of ammer/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Things got pretty dark a few decades ago, but nothing like today’s saturation with darkness. Movies like World War Z, television shows like “The Walking Dead,” book and film series juggernauts like Twilight and Harry Potter have brought zombies, vampires and wizardry into vogue.

With so much dark stuff surrounding us on a regular basis, it can be easy to forget that children of all ages can find such things disturbing or scary. Rather than assume our kids are fine with the images and increasingly life-like skeletons, zombies and vampires, we should use these encounters to remind them that these things especially visible this time of year are not real.

We kept an eye on how our children reacted to scary things and either avoided houses with more realistic Halloween decorations or visited in the daytime so that the child could clearly see it wasn’t real. How are some ways you’ve handled a scared child this time of year?

Until next time,

Sarah

Early next year, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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Parental Postings

Most parents think nothing of uploading information and photos of their children on social media, but are they overlooking the risk factors? We have chosen not to post any photographs or images of our children with the rare exception if the picture doesn’t show their face at all. We also don’t list our children’s full names, only their first initial, in postings.

Are we especially paranoid? Or just a bit odd? We freely acknowledge that we are outside the norm, given how many photos of children proliferate Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and other social media and websites. And we certainly don’t expect everyone to follow our lead—that’s a decision each family needs to make on their own.

But here’s some food for thought: each time a photo or story about your child is uploaded, that image or mention will likely follow your child around forever. As we’ve learned over the years, once something is out there in cyberspace, it can take on a life of its own. Yes, there are things you can do to mitigate that, by removing GPS tags, by keeping on top of the ever-changing privacy rules for Facebook and other social media sites.

I’ve come up with a few questions I like to ask myself before sharing anything about my children in any type of public forum—whether it’s in an article, to a group of moms, on Facebook or in a book.

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Will my child be embarrassed to have this story overheard today? Next year? As an adult? Sometimes, things that would embarrass our child today would be okay in a few weeks or even years. Other times, it’s an incident that might be best left within the family.

Is this gossip?We often don’t think that we can gossip about our own family, but we can. Thinking about our stories and images of our children as potential gossip can curtail our impulse to post.

Am I sharing this story or photo because I want to “show-off” my child? If you’re after merely a response or “likes” for the photo, then maybe you’re not posting for the right reasons.

What is my motive for sharing this particular image or story? This is even tougher for those of us with home-based businesses or how are self-employed. As a parent coach and someone who writes about parenting, I have to be careful about what stories I use from my own family and which ones I keep locked in the family vault, so to speak.

These questions are a good place to start when thinking about to post or not to post. For more in-depth coverage of this issue, read “Pictures of Your Kids: To Post or to Pass?”

Until next time,

Sarah

Early next year, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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Parenting Basics: “You can do that yourself”

Grandma was right! There is an easy way and a hard way to raise kids. By and large, today’s parents are choosing the hard way. This series of blogs will tackle familiar phrases that used to be commonplace but fell out of favor during the last few decades of the 20th century—and why parents should not be afraid to follow the sentiment expressed in the phrases.

How many times have you done something for your children that they can do for themselves? Most of us do way too much for our seemingly helpless kids. The phrase “You can do that yourself” has not gotten much of a workout these days.

Image courtesy of digitalart/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It’s hard to watch our kids struggle with a task, whether it’s learning to tie their own shoes or figuring out the fingering on a piano piece or finishing a particularly tricky bit of math homework. But what we fail to realize is that by jumping in and doing the task for the child—or significantly helping a child with the project—we are actually enabling her to not learn to do it herself. 

Many parents have forgotten how to say to their children, “You can do that yourself.” Instead, enabling has taken over modern parenting. Enabling is evident whenever a parent does something for the child that the child is perfectly capable of doing for himself. Many parents fail to figure the cost of enabling and how it affects the child—and themselves. The cost of enabling to the child is increased dependence on parents, which increases the anxiety of the mother.

The child feels inadequate and helpless, lacks problem-solving and competency skills, and lacks appreciation for his personal strengths and weaknesses. In turn, that fuels the mother’s increased frustration at having to teach the same things constantly to the child.

Enabling also lowers the child’s academic performance, triggering in the mother a tendency to personalize her child’s school performance, as she ties his school performance with her worth/performance as a mom. 

To break the enabling cycle, we as parents need to stop doing so much for our kids. Start by taking counting to ten and repeating to yourself, “She can do it herself” whenever you see your child struggling or getting frustrated with a task. Turn away and focus on something else when your child is attempting to figure something out, such as homework, so that you won’t be tempted to jump in too soon.

Sure it's hard to watch your child fall down while learning to ride a bike and skin her knee. But only by testing her limits will she learn the sweet taste of doing it by herself. Give your child the breathing room to fail—and you will be surprised at how often she succeeds.

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Also in October, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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Pregnant Teen Wants Adult Treatment

Q: I’m a single mom with a 15-year-old daughter who is 3 months pregnant. My daughter thinks that because she’s having a baby, she should be treated as an adult. In her mind, that means no longer following our house rules, not doing chores and staying home from school. I’m not sure how to counter her arguments—your thoughts?

A: Ah, most teenagers try this tactic, pregnant or not, so it’s nothing really unusual. My answer would be the same, as her pregnancy doesn’t make any difference in her position in her home. Until your daughter is working and supporting herself completely, she is not an independent adult. She’s expecting all the privileges of an adult—making her own rules, deciding what to do around the house, deciding on whether or not she’s going to school—without the responsibilities of paying the rent, buying groceries, working full-time, etc.

Image courtesy of imagerymajestic/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Therefore, as long as she’s living under your rent—and one assumes, you’re paying for her room and board, as one does with an not-yet-emancipated child—then she must follow your rules. You are not a hotel, she is not a paying guest. As a member of your household on a daily basis, she is expected to contribute to its upkeep by doing chores (pregnancy should not curtail her ability to push a vacuum or scrub a sink). As a member of your household, she is expected to attend school—that is her “job” now. As a member of your household, she is expected to follow the house rules.

When you inform your daughter of this, expect pushback, as she’s not going to like it. Be prepared to back up your stance by kicking her out of her very nice, very comfortable Garden-of-a-bedroom. When she refuses to comply (and chances are very good that she will), remove all electronics, including her cell phone (which I’m guessing you foot the bill for), computers, tablets, music, etc., as well as her favorite clothes, books, games, whatever she most enjoys doing. This should be done when your daughter is out of the house, so conspire with a friend or relative to get her away for a few hours.

If you can’t afford a storage unit or don’t have a room or attic you can lock her things in (she can’t access to them at all), then consider installing a deadbolt on her door and allowing her access once in the morning and once in the evening for 10 minutes each time to get fresh clothes. Have her sleep on a couch or guest room for a while.

Once her room is stripped or locked up, hand her a printed list of chores, with specific times for her to complete them. Also give her a print out of the house rules and your expectation that she go to school every day. Then inform her that she will start to get her stuff back when she becomes more obedient. I’d make this contingent on at least a month of good behavior (but don’t tell her that—keep her guessing as to how long this will last). After a month of good behavior, then start giving her back her stuff, starting with the least favorite item, working your way up to her cell phone (which I’m assuming is her most favorite item).

Then be prepared for a massive temper tantrum. Trust me, this will not be pretty. But keep reminding yourself as she rants and raves, that you are doing what is best for her, even though she won’t thank you now and maybe not ever. Remember that you don’t have to listen to her but can walk away. Your job is to give her enough of a push so that she will see the right decision is in her best interest. She probably won’t see it that way, but then again, she’s not the parent.

Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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Parenting Basics: “Wait Until Your Father Gets Home”

Grandma was right! There is an easy way and a hard way to raise kids. By and large, today’s parents are choosing the hard way. This series of blogs will tackle familiar phrases that used to be commonplace but fell out of favor during the last few decades of the 20th century—and why parents should not be afraid to follow the sentiment expressed in the phrases.

What role does Dad have in your family’s life? Is he regulated to a supporting role, a parenting aide to Mom? Does he share in the discipline? Is he merely a buddy, someone to clown around with while Mom does the heavy lifting?

Part of the confusion today over the role of a father has its roots in the idealized view of the 1950s nuclear family. Dad brought home the bacon, Mom fried it up in a pan, and the kids were pretty much seen but not heard. As part of the backlash against what many saw as a distant, cold father figure, Dads have move out of the background and into the foreground—but not exactly into a co-parenting role.

Photo Credit: Photos.com/Stock Photos/Photos.com

Most husbands and wives, when they become Mother and Father, move into a lopsided arrangement whereas the wives/mothers become the head of the child-rearing department and the husbands/fathers float into a buddy/pal relationship with the child. If today’s typical mother were to tell her kids, “Wait until your father gets home!,” in response to misbehavior, most kids would not worry one iota. In fact, they would look forward to Dad coming home to play with them.

This shift into turning Dad into a mere play-pal hasn’t done any favors to the average American marriage, either. Most parents forget that they should be spending more time in the role of husband and wife instead of mother/father. Our job is to help our spouse see his or her role is not to be the world’s greatest dad or mom, but to be the world’s greatest husband or wife.

By concentrating more on the marriage relationship, you will actually be a better mother and father. Might sound counterintuitive, but numerous studies have shown that children are happier and feel more secure when they know their parents’ marriage is strong. Instead of encouraging your husband or wife to be the world’s greatest dad or mom, say you want him or her to be the world’s greatest husband or wife.

Once you make that change—a more focus on husband/wife than mom/dad roles—moving Dad from the fringes of parenting should be easier. A father shouldn’t be a mere parenting aide, but a full participant in parenting decisions and discipline. A good rule of thumb is that the parent with the most hands-on interaction with the children should be the primary discipliner. But that doesn’t mean the Dad (in most cases) can’t mete out consequences when needed or to back up Mom by delivering punishments when requested by Mom.

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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Parenting Basics: “Stew in Your Own Juices”

Grandma was right! There is an easy way and a hard way to raise kids. By and large, today’s parents are choosing the hard way. This series of blogs will tackle familiar phrases that used to be commonplace but fell out of favor during the last few decades of the 20th century—and why parents should not be afraid to follow the sentiment expressed in the phrases.

Image courtesy of Feelart/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

This golden oldie of parenting yesteryear is a must-have for every parent’s repertoire. Basically, stewing in your own juices--or lying in a bed you made-- means facing the consequences of your actions. So many times, we as parents want to shield our children from “bad” consequences brought on by our children’s poor decisions or plain, old bad behavior.

This is one of my favorite phrases, mostly because I love to say “stew in your own juices”—it just sounds rather delicious, don’t you think? To help children want to solve their own problems—and thus not stew in their own juices—parents have to become mean parents, that is parents who mean what they say and say what they mean. Sure, their children might call them Big Meanies, but that’s just because their kids can’t get away with things in their house.

Big Meanies allow children to “stew in their own juices” and “lie in their own beds”, i.e., experience the full consequences of their own misbehavior. This puts the monkey on the back of the only one who can solve the problem—the child.

As long as you step in and try to solve the problem that your child created, the more your child will not solve the problem himself. And the more stress and strife you will create in your home.

The more you step back and let the child solve—or not solve, as the case may be—his own problems, then the more your child will be able to solve his own problems. When your child doesn’t want to, then you leave him alone to suffer the results of his own silly actions, without offering any assistance.

By allowing your child to stew in his own juices, you will be giving him the time to think about what went wrong and how to change things the next time around. Parents who jump in and solve the problem for the child are not providing him with that opportunity—and are thus not letting him learn from his mistakes and to do better the next time.

So mix it up by letting your child stew in his own juices—or lie in his own bed, if you prefer that phrasing—the next time he misbehaves or fails to follow through on something. You might be labeled a Big Meanie, but your child will be the better for it.

Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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A Modern Umbilical Cord

A very long time ago, mothers used long apron strings to keep a toddler out of harms way, tying the child to a piece of furniture that allowed the kid movement but not to run away or fall into the fireplace. Most parents would agree that it’s not necessary to have apron strings today, but what they don’t seem to realize is that cell phones have replaced apron strings as a way to keep a child connected to the mother ship. (Let’s face it: most fathers are not the ones advocating for their kids to have cell phones—it’s the mothers who feel the need to stay in near-constant touch with the children.)

Today’s child is connected to his parents more than any other previous generation because of the rise of mobile devices. An article in Psychology Today put it this way: “The perpetual access to parents infantilizes the young, keeping them in a permanent state of dependency. Whenever the slightest difficulty arises,” the child calls the parent immediately for guidance. “They’re not learning to manage for themselves.”

Cell phones for kids have stunted their growth in that children are not learning how to internalize an image of their parents and the values/advice Mom and Dad imparted to them. That image and recollection is crucial for children because it’s used whenever they find themselves facing difficulty or uncertainty, becoming the adults they know and being able to make a good decision. But with Mom or Dad only a quick call away, kids are not figuring things out on their own, relying instead on calling their parents for the answer.

Another way cell phones are undermining growth is the inability to plan ahead. Teens and college students often phone friends with things like, “I’m finished studying. Let’s go out for pizza.” If they didn’t have mobile devices, they would have to think about their schedules and arrange a meeting time—planning ahead.

Mobile phones also “promote fragility by weakening self-regulation.” In other words, cell phones condition the user to getting what she wants right away. That in turn generates frustration and impatience at the drop of a hat. And it also makes it harder for relationships to succeed because the person has a much lower threshold for frustration and wants things to work out immediately.

Definitely some food for thought when it comes to children and mobile phones. Personally, we have no plans for any of our children to have cell phones, mobile devices, tablets, etc., until they are old enough to pay for said devices and data plans themselves. Information like this makes it that much easier for us to keep that goal in mind as our children grow.

Until next time,

Sarah

Note: Information quoted came from “A Nation of Wimps,” Psychology Today, originally published Nov. 1, 2004.

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Meltdowns! (And We’re Not Talking About Ice Cream)

Q: My four-year-old son keeps throwing temper tantrums in stores. It usually starts when I deny him something he wants (cereal, candy, a coloring book, etc.). As soon as I say “no,” down on the floor he goes, kicking and screaming. I confess that I’ve given in because I’m so embarrassed, but I know that’s not going to stop the tantrums. What can I do?

A: First of all, let me assure you that we’ve all had kids meltdown in public, whether it’s in a store or a restaurant or at the park. Please don’t think the majority of people are judging you because your child has become a squirming mass of temper.

Second, you can cure your son of his public—and private—outbursts with a little planning and thick skin. The planning will help you not be caught off guard when the tantrum ensures, the thick skin will help you follow through on those plans.

Here’s what you do. Each day, visit a store for no other reason than to train your child on how to behave. Have a few things you can buy on a list but don’t expect to do any major shopping. This is purely for his benefit.

Then give him explicit instructions, but only three or four at the most. Those might include

1. Hold my hand inside the store.
2. Don’t touch unless you ask permission.
3. We’re only going to get what’s on my list.

Finally, off to the store. Plan on staying about half an hour, browsing around to give him a chance to throw a temper tantrum (yes, you read right—you are hoping he will have a meltdown so you can put phase two into action). When he asks for something not on the list—and his previous behavior has indicated he will—simply say it’s not on the list and continue your shopping. When he starts to throw himself on the ground and cry, calmly leave your cart or basket, pick him up and leave the store.

Remember, you’re expecting this and already know what you’re going to do. Don’t comment on his behavior, simply buckle him in his car seat and return home. Then your son gets to spend the rest of the day in his room—stripped of play value—and to bed directly after an early dinner (5 p.m. is ideal, so he’s in bed by 5:30 p.m., lights out). One or two such trips with the same end result and he’ll straighten up—and you’ll be able to take him shopping without meltdowns.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

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The Beauty of Because I Said So

Are you comfortable with saying those four words, “Because I said so,” to your child? Most parents would answer no, that those words can damage a child’s self-esteem and the parental relationship with the child.

That much-maligned phrase has become the pariah of parenting, the one thing you never want to be caught uttering to your children. Rest assured, dear reader, that I have uttered those words many times to my children and the sky hasn’t fallen.

But I will lay out my case for making “Because I said so” part of every parent’s vocabulary. Here are four excellent reasons why sometimes, it’s the only answer to a child’s question or comment.

1. “Because I said so” reaffirms parental authority. Parents shouldn’t have to explain themselves constantly to their children. Let’s face it, our explanations are not going to be acceptable anyway because children aren’t logical beings, so we save ourselves—and them, too—from fruitless conversations or arguments.
2. “Because I said so” gives a child an honest answer. Sometimes, the reason is only because you, the parent, want something done a certain way. That’s all there is to it, and using those four words conveys that to the child.
3. “Because I said so” eliminates needless arguments between parent and child. Children are not going to understand our reasons for most things we do until they are parents themselves.
4. “Because I said so” says the parent knows best for the child. Children have no concept of what’s in their best interest, so parents have to step in and guide them until the child reaches adulthood.

Keep in mind that “Because I said so” should never be shouted at a child, only delivered in a warm, resolute voice. The words are essentially asking the child to trust the parent to do the right thing. Kids don’t know what is the best thing for them—they are governed by emotions and wants.

As with any child-rearing method, use “Because I said so” sparingly, as it’s not right for every situation. Having a stock phrase like “Because I said so” will benefit both parent and child when it’s used judiciously, appropriately and lovingly. I encourage you to add it to your repertoire today.

Until next time,

Sarah

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Why Have Kids?

Sometimes, I’ll read something about why having a child is not such a good idea. Topping the list are things like how having kids cramps your style, drains your financial resources, contributes negatively to the environment, and consumes your marriage. Then there are those who think you should have kids but only one or two for the same reasons.

As a mother of four, I’m often greeted with explanations of “How on earth do you do it with four kids?” as if I deserve a medal just for breathing, much less living in a house with four youngsters and a husband. Why did we have children? Let me count a few reasons.

1. Because my husband and I love each other. Sounds strange, but our love for each other finds part of its expression in our children. Our love for our children strengthens our love for each other.
2. Because we have a care for our future. Not just our future, but the future of America depends on population growth. Yes, some naysayers think the world is overcrowded, but children are our future.
3. Because we love God. In Genesis, God said we should go forth and multiply. In having children, we’re fulfilling that command.
4. Because we love kids. Children are plain fun most of the time (and frustrating at times!), but it’s been a joy to raise them. The things they say, the way they act, the love for us and each other all make it worthwhile to be their parents.

Why we had four instead of two or three or six? That number sounded right to our family, and we were blessed that we could have four children. Each family’s number is different and that’s okay, too. We’d be pretty boring if every family looked like every other family.

That’s just a few of the reasons we had children. What are yours?

Until next time,

Sarah 

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When a Pet Dies

Q: Our dog, which has been with us since our oldest child was a baby, got really sick and had to be put to sleep. Naturally, both kids (ages 6 and 8) were upset by Blackie’s illness and death, as were my husband and me. I’m not sure we handled their questions about what happened. What information should they have been told about Blackie?

A: We had a similar situation a few years ago in our house, when our kids were around 4 and 6. One of our cats was sick and, after the vet couldn’t find anything wrong except that she was dying, we choose to have her put to sleep. We told the girls that Jet had gotten sick and died, knowing the concept of putting her to sleep would be difficult to understand at that age. We answered their questions with short replies targeted at what they asked.

When tackling any questions about serious illness and/or death, I try to follow these guidelines.

1. Answer the question asked. Nothing is more frustrating for kids than adults who answer the question they think was asked rather than the one actually voiced. If you’re not sure you know what is being asked, clarify first and then answer.
2. Keep your answers short. Most kids don’t need a lot of details, so keep your replies short with the basic facts. They’ll ask follow up questions if they want more information.
3. Dole out information on a need-to-know basis. Some kids will ask question after question in a quest for more data on any subject, but you should be willing to cut them off after they’ve received all the information they need to know on that particular topic.
4. Know when to stop talking about the subject. Sometimes, children will worry a topic to death. If you see a subject becoming an obsession (like with constant questions or numerous expressions of fears or concerns), then you need to simply tell the child that the topic is closed for now. This doesn’t mean your child will never ask you another question, but it can help the child move on from a topic that could become a source of worry or feeding of a fear that needs to be excised instead of fed.
5. Reassure your child but don’t make promises you can’t keep. When faced with the serious illness or death of a loved one (be it animal or human), most kids want to be reassured beyond what we as parents can promise (i.e., that we’ll never get sick or die, etc.). It’s best to remind them of your love for them and the care of their family.

The death of a pet can be a wonderful way to help your children learn about fragility of life and the finality of death. That’s not a bad thing, and it can be quite a good thing, especially for those of us who have faith.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

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The Art of Repurposing

I’ve never met a container I couldn’t use for something else after its original purpose was completed. Probably comes from having parents who grew up during the Depression and thus had a “waste not” mentality, but it has come in handy over the years.

Now some of you might be wondering what a parenting blog has to do with recycling containers, and I’ll tell you: Reusing containers are a great way to teach about not being wasteful, about using what you have, about finding unique ways to be careful with our possessions, and about taking care of the environment through recycling.

So here are some ideas about repurposing containers in your home. (And yes, we do shop at Costco a lot!).

 

Costco-sized animal cracker containers with lids

• These are great for storing small toys, like trains, trucks and those ubiquitous fast-food toys.
• Also handy when you need a to-go toy container. Each of our boys gets one to pack with toys for camping and other trips.

Costco-sized nut or chocolate-covered raison containers with lids

• These are the perfect size for storing crayons, colored pencils, markers and other art supplies.
• Also great for storing batteries
• Homemade instant oatmeal (great size for easy handling by kids)

Baby food jars (glass) with lids

• These are wonderful for organizing your tools. Nails, screws and other small things are easily kept in these jars.

Yogurt containers

• Small ones can be used as seed starters for your summer vegetable or flower gardens.
• Larger ones with reusable lids can have a second life as leftover holders, especially good for freezing soups and sauces.

Plastic beverage bottles, all sizes

• 2-liter soda bottles can be turned into rain gauges.
• Smaller sizes can be used to take homemade salad dressing on the go.

 Glass Mason jars with lids

• Okay, I think these are some of my favorite storage containers. I use them to store rice, dried beans, carob powder, homemade granola, etc.
• Also great for all sorts of nonfood things. You can find a host of ideas to use these as gifts, too.

These are just some of the containers we reuse in our house. If you’ve reused a container of any sort for a purpose different than what it was originally created for, leave a comment on the blog—we’ll all benefit from learning new ways to use old things!

Until next time,

Sarah

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The Good Mother

I’m a terrible mother.

Before you call social services and report me, no, I don’t beat or starve my children, but there are days when I fall way short of today’s definition of a good mother. I don’t spend a lot of time with my children (and often think that’s okay). I don’t correct their homework (and have no intention of doing so). At times, I get annoyed when they interrupt me. I sometimes yell at them when they frustrate me (like spilling milk on the table I just cleaned).

How many times have I not paid attention to what a child was saying because my attention was on my email? How many times do I pack my day with too much work and end up too tired to play a game or read a story to them before bed?

We as mothers and women have a tendency to set the bar so high, it’s nigh on impossible to reach. We tell ourselves that if we don’t bake the cookies from scratch, or don’t pay close enough attention to the babblings of the 2-year-old, or don’t fill-in-the-blank, our children will not be happy, healthy, or have a good life.

Sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? But how many of us have had similar thoughts dance through our minds, along with the accompanying guilt at not being a good enough mother? I sure have, even though I try very hard not to.

Then there’s the inevitable comparisons with other mothers. Even when we’re not consciously thinking about how other women parent, it can seep into our minds in the blink of an eye.

Here’s an example of what I mean: When my oldest was a toddler, we went to the park on one of the first warm spring days. She had on a short-sleeved shirt probably for the first time that year. As we walked to the playground, I looked around at the other mothers who were arriving with their children. Nearly every one of them had whipped out a tube of sunscreen and was slathering their child’s face and arms with the stuff. My daughter looked at me and asked if she needed sunscreen. I told her no and to go play, but in that moment, I felt like a bad mother, one who sends her defenseless child out into the sunny world with no sunscreen.

Other times this feeling has cropped up for me includes being the mom without the first aid kit at the playground and another mom has to lend you a Band-aid to bandage your child’s bloody knee. Or giving my kids a non-organic, not-too-healthy snack when other moms have artfully arranged carrot sticks and hummus.

If we fall into this mindset that we are not good enough mothers, that our parenting styles and family life is not up to par with the rest of the world—and as a result our children will not be able to fulfill their great destinies— then we will miss out on a lot of the joys of childhood.

We also will miss out on the laughter and the pain, the joys and the sorrows, the average grades and the missed goals. And those lessons learned from not being perfect, from seeing how we as mothers handle life’s disappointments, and from enjoying life to its fullest whatever our circumstances, are priceless.

It’s not being the perfect mother that our children will love us for—it’s being the best mother we can be for them. That won’t look good some days, but if we turn our backs on measuring ourselves to an impossible standard, we can have more good days than bad.

It took me several years to come to terms that I wasn’t a great mother by certain standards. And there are times when I slip and start to obsess about how I’m not a good mother. But most of the time, I aim to be a good enough mother, and so far, it’s been a good one for my four children.

Until next time,

Sarah

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Stop Potty Training Once It's Begun?

Q: I started potty training my 28-month-old son, but he doesn’t seem interested at all. Sometimes he’ll go on the potty, and sometimes he won’t. He’s starting to resist my efforts to put him on the toilet. I read a book that suggested I should stop potty training once I’ve started if the child wasn’t “ready.” Should I stop and if so, when should I try again?

—Potty Training Trauma

A: More and more parents are becoming paralyzed by toilet training. Before disposable diapers became the norm, 90% of U.S.kids were successfully using the toilet on their own by age 24 months, according to a Harvard study. Nowadays, a mere 4% of children that age are potty trained.

Toilet training has nothing to do with a child’s “readiness.” You as a parent should be the one who sets the potty-training time table. John Rosemond’s excellent book Toilet Training Without Tantrums succinctly outlines how to do it, but here’s the short version he calls Naked and $75. I used this method to train all four of my children and found it to be easy to implement and it made potty training much less stressful.

Basically, you strip the child down below the waist and set up a small potty in the room you use the most. Show him the potty and tell him that he’s now expected to put his pee and poop into the potty.

Then you pump him full of liquids (water preferably) and give him a high-fiber breakfast to get things moving. Set a kitchen timer to go off every half hour or so, and tell him when it dings, that means it’s time to sit on the potty. Remind him what to do when the timer goes off, but don’t hover or sit with him or watch him. Let him attend to his “business” while you attend to yours.

Finally, expect accidents. Just like a child spills milk when learning to drink from a cup, he will pee on the floor when he’s learning to use the potty. Have him help you clean it up and don’t make a big deal out of it. By keeping calm and projecting confidence in his ability to use the toilet, he’ll soon be using the potty on his own. Yes, it really can be that easy.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

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Homework Takes Over

Q: My daughter takes a long time doing homework after school. She’s in the fifth grade, and her teacher says the assignments should only take 45 minutes to an hour. My daughter’s at the table for upwards of 90 minutes, sometimes even two hours. She does have the tendency to be perfect in everything, and I’ve seen her erase and redo math problems to get the numbers just right. The teacher says she’s capable of doing the work, but having her pour over her work for so long is really eating into her play time and other activities. Help!

—Trapped in Homework Land

A: It sounds like your daughter needs help learning how to manage her time. If her teacher says the work shouldn’t take her longer than an hour, then that should be the amount of time allowed to complete the work. Set a timer for an hour when your daughter starts her homework. Tell her that when the timer dings, she is finished with her homework, whether the work is complete or not. Yes, that might mean she doesn’t get a good grade on that assignment, but she needs to take responsibility for her own homework. Part of homework is learning how to manage your time, and only your daughter can figure out how to get her work done in the allotted time.

One final thought: Let the teacher know you are trying this approach and that you expect the teacher to give your daughter the grade she deserves on the homework turned in, whether it’s completed or not. You certainly don’t want the teacher to give your daughter extra time in class to finish what should have been done at home, or that will defeat the purpose, which is to help her with time management.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

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