Q: My daughter insults me any chance she gets. For example, when I offered to help with college applications, she said she didn’t need any assistance from a housewife. My heart is broken by this constant stream of insulting behavior. My husband words long hours and tries to stay out of this, but it’s gotten to the point that I don’t even want to talk to her! What can I do?
A: Quite a lot, as it turns out. Since your daughter’s likely a senior (the college applications were a clueJ), I’m not sure there’s much you can do to change her attitude—the only person who can change that is your daughter.
But that doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do to rectify the situation. Start by stop playing the game. Make no mistake, your reaction is partly to blame. Not that she has any right to insult you, but because of how you react to her insults, she has gotten addicted to finding ways to get that reaction. So to cut down on the insults, cut down on your participation. It takes two to play this game, but if you stop playing, she’ll lose interest.
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Remember, teenagers, especially teen girls, are drama queens. Your reaction to her insults feeds the drama machine and thus keeps the cycle of insults/reactions going on and on and on. Deprive those insults of their oxygen and your daughter’s insults will slowly “starve” away.
If you must reply to her, simply raise your eyebrows and murmur, “hmmm, interesting” or something vague. Then walk away. Don’t respond to anything insulting she says with less than a noncommittal answer—but only do this once. She’ll try to follow you to engage the game, but just keep walking away. Go in your room and close the door in her face if you have to.
By not playing the game with her, you will step off the rollercoaster and leave her to stew in her own juices. Soon, she will tire of playing a game that doesn’t go her way, and her insults will lessen. Continue this each time she’s defiant and disrespectful, and you’ll develop a more calm attitude toward her.
Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.
