Q: Our dog, which has been with us since our oldest child was a baby, got really sick and had to be put to sleep. Naturally, both kids (ages 6 and 8) were upset by Blackie’s illness and death, as were my husband and me. I’m not sure we handled their questions about what happened. What information should they have been told about Blackie?
A: We had a similar situation a few years ago in our house, when our kids were around 4 and 6. One of our cats was sick and, after the vet couldn’t find anything wrong except that she was dying, we choose to have her put to sleep. We told the girls that Jet had gotten sick and died, knowing the concept of putting her to sleep would be difficult to understand at that age. We answered their questions with short replies targeted at what they asked.
When tackling any questions about serious illness and/or death, I try to follow these guidelines.
- Answer the question asked. Nothing is more frustrating for kids than adults who answer the question they think was asked rather than the one actually voiced. If you’re not sure you know what is being asked, clarify first and then answer.
- Keep your answers short. Most kids don’t need a lot of details, so keep your replies short with the basic facts. They’ll ask follow up questions if they want more information.
- Dole out information on a need-to-know basis. Some kids will ask question after question in a quest for more data on any subject, but you should be willing to cut them off after they’ve received all the information they need to know on that particular topic.
- Know when to stop talking about the subject. Sometimes, children will worry a topic to death. If you see a subject becoming an obsession (like with constant questions or numerous expressions of fears or concerns), then you need to simply tell the child that the topic is closed for now. This doesn’t mean your child will never ask you another question, but it can help the child move on from a topic that could become a source of worry or feeding of a fear that needs to be excised instead of fed.
- Reassure your child but don’t make promises you can’t keep. When faced with the serious illness or death of a loved one (be it animal or human), most kids want to be reassured beyond what we as parents can promise (i.e., that we’ll never get sick or die, etc.). It’s best to remind them of your love for them and the care of their family.
The death of a pet can be a wonderful way to help your children learn about fragility of life and the finality of death. That’s not a bad thing, and it can be quite a good thing, especially for those of us who have faith.
Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.
