Q: My 15-year-old daughter doesn’t want to attend religious services with us any longer. She throws such a big fit every Sunday morning that we’ve caved on occasion and let her stay home. Should we continue to make her go or leave her at home?
A: I remember not wanting to attend church with my family as a teenager, but knew better than to protest outwardly. It was understood that unless you were truly sick—and my mother had strict definitions of what constituted sickness—you were going to church, no ifs, ands or buts about it.
The answer depends on how strongly you feel about church attendance. In our household, our faith is an integral part of our home life, and therefore going to worship on Sundays is a non-negotiable. If you feel that going with the family is important, then you need to make that clear to your daughter—and be prepared to follow up with consequences if she refuses.
In that case, I recommend invoking the Godfather Principle: Make her an offer she can’t refuse. For example, say you inform her on Saturday that attendance at church is expected the next morning. On Sunday, everyone’s ready for church but your daughter, who informs you she has no intention of going. You don’t want to be late, so you shrug and leave her at home, seemingly victorious in her defiance.
Nothing more is said on the matter until Thursday, she comes to you bubbling over with plans for a Friday night movie-and-sleepover at her BFF’s house. The conversation should go something like this:
Daughter: “Mom, my BFF is having a sleepover on Friday night! It’s going to be awesome.”
You: “It does sound like it will be fun.”
Daughter: “We’re watching all of the Twilight movies and staying up all night. Her mom is going to make pizzas for us.”
You: “I’m sorry you’ll miss that.”
Daughter, puzzled: “But there’s nothing on the family calendar for that night—I checked.”
You: “That’s right, there’s no family conflict.”
Daughter: “Then I can go?”
You, with a sorrowful expression: “I’m afraid not.”
Daughter, increasingly upset: “But why not?”
You: “Because you didn’t go to church with us last Sunday.”
Daughter, spluttering: “You, you can’t do that!”
You: “I’m sure you’ll have just as much fun home watching Star Wars with your brother.”
Then you walk away, leaving your daughter to stew in her own juices.
If she’s smart, this will be the only time you’ll have trouble getting her to church on Sunday morning. On the other hand, some kids learn things the hard way. Oh, and the title is borrowed from a Johnny Cash song, just in case you wondered.
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