Pregnant Teen Wants Adult Treatment

Q: I’m a single mom with a 15-year-old daughter who is 3 months pregnant. My daughter thinks that because she’s having a baby, she should be treated as an adult. In her mind, that means no longer following our house rules, not doing chores and staying home from school. I’m not sure how to counter her arguments—your thoughts?

A: Ah, most teenagers try this tactic, pregnant or not, so it’s nothing really unusual. My answer would be the same, as her pregnancy doesn’t make any difference in her position in her home. Until your daughter is working and supporting herself completely, she is not an independent adult. She’s expecting all the privileges of an adult—making her own rules, deciding what to do around the house, deciding on whether or not she’s going to school—without the responsibilities of paying the rent, buying groceries, working full-time, etc.

Image courtesy of imagerymajestic/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Therefore, as long as she’s living under your rent—and one assumes, you’re paying for her room and board, as one does with an not-yet-emancipated child—then she must follow your rules. You are not a hotel, she is not a paying guest. As a member of your household on a daily basis, she is expected to contribute to its upkeep by doing chores (pregnancy should not curtail her ability to push a vacuum or scrub a sink). As a member of your household, she is expected to attend school—that is her “job” now. As a member of your household, she is expected to follow the house rules.

When you inform your daughter of this, expect pushback, as she’s not going to like it. Be prepared to back up your stance by kicking her out of her very nice, very comfortable Garden-of-a-bedroom. When she refuses to comply (and chances are very good that she will), remove all electronics, including her cell phone (which I’m guessing you foot the bill for), computers, tablets, music, etc., as well as her favorite clothes, books, games, whatever she most enjoys doing. This should be done when your daughter is out of the house, so conspire with a friend or relative to get her away for a few hours.

If you can’t afford a storage unit or don’t have a room or attic you can lock her things in (she can’t access to them at all), then consider installing a deadbolt on her door and allowing her access once in the morning and once in the evening for 10 minutes each time to get fresh clothes. Have her sleep on a couch or guest room for a while.

Once her room is stripped or locked up, hand her a printed list of chores, with specific times for her to complete them. Also give her a print out of the house rules and your expectation that she go to school every day. Then inform her that she will start to get her stuff back when she becomes more obedient. I’d make this contingent on at least a month of good behavior (but don’t tell her that—keep her guessing as to how long this will last). After a month of good behavior, then start giving her back her stuff, starting with the least favorite item, working your way up to her cell phone (which I’m assuming is her most favorite item).

Then be prepared for a massive temper tantrum. Trust me, this will not be pretty. But keep reminding yourself as she rants and raves, that you are doing what is best for her, even though she won’t thank you now and maybe not ever. Remember that you don’t have to listen to her but can walk away. Your job is to give her enough of a push so that she will see the right decision is in her best interest. She probably won’t see it that way, but then again, she’s not the parent.

Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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The Beauty of Because I Said So

Are you comfortable with saying those four words, “Because I said so,” to your child? Most parents would answer no, that those words can damage a child’s self-esteem and the parental relationship with the child.

That much-maligned phrase has become the pariah of parenting, the one thing you never want to be caught uttering to your children. Rest assured, dear reader, that I have uttered those words many times to my children and the sky hasn’t fallen.

But I will lay out my case for making “Because I said so” part of every parent’s vocabulary. Here are four excellent reasons why sometimes, it’s the only answer to a child’s question or comment.

1. “Because I said so” reaffirms parental authority. Parents shouldn’t have to explain themselves constantly to their children. Let’s face it, our explanations are not going to be acceptable anyway because children aren’t logical beings, so we save ourselves—and them, too—from fruitless conversations or arguments.
2. “Because I said so” gives a child an honest answer. Sometimes, the reason is only because you, the parent, want something done a certain way. That’s all there is to it, and using those four words conveys that to the child.
3. “Because I said so” eliminates needless arguments between parent and child. Children are not going to understand our reasons for most things we do until they are parents themselves.
4. “Because I said so” says the parent knows best for the child. Children have no concept of what’s in their best interest, so parents have to step in and guide them until the child reaches adulthood.

Keep in mind that “Because I said so” should never be shouted at a child, only delivered in a warm, resolute voice. The words are essentially asking the child to trust the parent to do the right thing. Kids don’t know what is the best thing for them—they are governed by emotions and wants.

As with any child-rearing method, use “Because I said so” sparingly, as it’s not right for every situation. Having a stock phrase like “Because I said so” will benefit both parent and child when it’s used judiciously, appropriately and lovingly. I encourage you to add it to your repertoire today.

Until next time,

Sarah

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Where Did All the Commonsense Go?

Some days, I really wonder what happened to all the commonsense that used to permeate parenting in the United States. The things parents do and think today can be rather mind-boggling, and, I think, would sound strange to our grandparents and great-grandparents.

Let me give two examples of what I mean.

First, parents used to think that raising children is no big deal, but it is a big responsibility.

Today, you often hear mothers say that raising children is the hardest thing they’ve ever done. What that statement misses is that raising kids is not hard—we’ve made it much more difficult than it needs to be by flipping the equation. Now we think raising children is a big deal and if we don’t do it right, they won’t get into college and have a good job and a career, and other apocalyptic thinking.

Second, parents used to take child rearing seriously but not children seriously.

Children do the strangest, silliest things. Haven’t you found some of the things they do plain old hilarious? If not, then you’re not alone. Collectively, we’ve lost our sense of humor and delight in what children do and say.

Instead, we view children very seriously, and often over-react to the things that are typical weird kid things. For example, when one of my daughters was around five, I saw her licking the wall down the hallway.

Now, some parents would have played detective and asked her why she was licking the wall. Maybe she wasn’t getting enough salt? Maybe she’s upset about something? However, I knew that kids just do the darnest things and simply told her to stop licking the wall—and shared a chuckle with my husband about it later.

Getting back to commonsense on this type of thinking means you view child rearing as a big—and serious—responsibility, but that you don’t view it as particularly hard, nor do you take what your kids do too seriously. Above all, remember to enjoy your kids and all the strange, weird, head-scratching things they do.

Until next time,

Sarah 

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Classical Child Rearing: Jane Austen On Parenting

The first in an occasional blog post on classic books that provide insights into parenting.

That Jane Austen has commented on parenting shouldn’t be too much of a surprise. After all, she’s famous for her skewering of society in novels like Pride and Prejudice and Persuasion. Austen never married—and therefore never had children—which might lead some to say she couldn’t have had anything to say about child rearing.

A closer view of her body of works would find that she has a lot to say about parenting. For example, in Pride and Prejudice, Elizabeth Bennett tries in vain to convince her father to not let younger sister Lydiaaccompany the Forsters to Brighton, foreseeing some of the disaster that did happen.

Elizabeth went to Mr. Bennett in secret to beg him not to give his permission for the trip. His reply demonstrates that he knows his youngest daughter, but that he’s oblivious to the real danger: “‘Lydia will never be easy till she has exposed herself in some public place or other, and we can never expect her to do it with so little expense or inconvenience to her family as under the present circumstances.’”

Mr. Bennett reveals that his main concern is a quiet house: “We shall have no peace at Longbourn if Lydiadoes not go to Brighton.” His willingness to have peace at all costs—and to fob off to someone else the responsibility of a daughter whose behavior he himself had failed to check—shows that he has abdicated his role as head of the house when it comes to child rearing.

Throughout Pride and Prejudice, Austen shows a keen understanding of how parents ought not to act with her portrayal of the Bennetts. Mrs. Bennett’s desire to be popular with her daughters renders her an ineffective mentor in the girls’ teenage years. Mr. Bennett’s desire for peace and quiet makes him ineffectual as a guiding figure in their lives as well.

Austen also subtly points out that such parenting doesn’t necessarily produce flighty offspring. While the three younger Bennett girls lack manners and impulse control, the two elder (Jane and Elizabeth) turn out well despite their parents. Austen shows us in fiction form the truth that parenting does not produce the child. The child produces the child.

What can we as parents learn from Pride and Prejudice? Two things come to mind:

• To do the right thing as parents even when that is not popular with our kids.
• To not shrink from correcting our children when necessary, even when it disturbs our peace.

The next time you read or watch Pride and Prejudice, watch the parents—and learn from their mistakes.

Until next time,

Sarah

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Why Self-Control Matters

Teaching children self-control has fallen out of favor in our society as a whole these days. But I've been heartened to hear about more studies that tout the benefits of self-mastery.

I explore the why and how to teach self-discipline in my article, "Master of Oneself." I encourage you to take a look and start yourself and your children on the path to self-control.

Until next time,

Sarah

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