Moving Anxiety

Q: We sold our house a few weeks ago, and since then, our three-year-old has been crying a lot at preschool, which she attends three days a week. This is a change from the first of the year, when she shed a few tears at drop off. Now she cries as soon as we leave the house and doesn’t stop. She’s been telling the teacher that she has to throw up or needs to go potty, and ends up spending a significant amount of time in the restroom. Her behavior is disrupting the class.

We’ve tried to be supportive of her during this time. Our doctor said she was experiencing anxiety from having to move. How should we handle this?

A: It sounds like you’ve been a bit too supportive. When your daughter is calm, tell her that you will be taking a new approach to her crying over the house being sold. Say she has 10 minutes in which to express her feelings on the matter. Set a kitchen timer for 10 minutes and let her cry, fuss or whatever for that time period. Then tell her that the matter is closed. When she cries excessively (anything over a couple of minutes) at preschool, ask the teachers to call you and you’ll come get her. Once back home, she goes to her room (striped of play value) for the rest of the day. If she cries at home, send her to her room or a special “crying place,” such as the powder room.

Your daughter has figured out, inadvertently, that her crying gets her lots of attention. The more she cries, the more upset and anxious and solicitous the adults around her get. In other words, she’s become addicted to the attention and so she cries for long periods of time to get the attention she’s craving.

As with all temper tantrums, she’s the only one who can end the cycle. But she needs help to do so. Start by treating any tears from her without emotion to avoid validating her tears. Simply point her to her crying place for her to go to get control of herself. When she’s stopped crying, she can come out. Above all, don’t ask her why she’s crying—at this point, she very likely can’t remember or doesn’t know. It’s become a habit and like with all habits, it can be broken with consistent, unemotional support from you. This will likely take a few days or a week, but by treating her tears as something she can control, you will help her get over this hump.

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