Back Tracking

Q: I just started implementing “Teen Proofing” (based on John Rosemond’s book of the same name), and have realized that I micromanaged my 12-year-old horribly. Basically, for the past five years, I’ve been a screaming banshee with him. Through family therapy, I’ve regained control of my yelling, but my question is how do we undo our 10 years of micromanaging?

A: The bad news is that, unfortunately, you can’t undo the past, no matter how much you want to. But the good news is that you don’t have to let the past influence your future. You made mistakes—we all do as parents—and you’ll likely make some more going forward. If you haven’t already, please do apologize for yelling so much at your kids. Then use the techniques your therapist gave you to help you not allow screaming to be one of your parenting tools in the future.

Not micromanaging your child’s lives will take discipline on your part. I’d recommend before you do something for your child, count to 10 and then let him do it—or not do it, as the case may be. Let him rise to the occasion or fall on his face. He should have been learning this all along, but it’s not too late for him to catch up on this important life lesson.

Image courtesy of artur84/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Above all, keep in mind that it’s the child who produces the child, not the parent. Each of your children is perfectly capable of handling his life. It might not look as pretty as when you do it—it will likely be messier and at times sink into disaster zones, but by taking giant steps backward in your parenting, you will be giving him the space he needs to figure out how to do things and how to handle it when things go wrong. Be prepared for him to balk at first. After all, you’ve been absorbing all the hits for him, smoothing his way, right? Add the phrase, “You can do it, I will not help you with that” to your vocabulary and use as often as needed—for him and you.

It will take a little time for you all to adjust, as you keep backing away and allowing your child to step up to the plate. Also remember that discipline doesn’t have to be meted out immediately with this age, so if you need to step away to regain control—and avoid screaming—then do so. You can deliver consequences later when you—and your son—have both cooled off.

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on “The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works” through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Also in October, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on “Parenting With Love & Leadership” in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

Read More

Accidental Apologies

Q: I think our 12-year-old son may be jealous over a girl classmate’s desire to be around one of his friends. In the classroom, she wants to be his partner or in the group with my son’s friend. I don't think my son “likes” her because he finds girls very annoying right now, and his behavior supports it.

On the playground, she wants to play football with the boys, but ends up standing in the middle and doing nothing. The playground teacher makes the boys throw every third pass to the two girls, while there can be 15 boys. My son threw a football to a friend, whose fingertips it went off and hit the girl in the face. We were told our son said, “That’s what happens to ugly girls.” Later, our son told us that he didn’t say that, only that he thought of her as a “teacher’s pet.”

I meet with her parents, teacher, and children tomorrow at school, probably with the principal and school counselor, too. What can I do to help our son? I want to be supportive, of course, to our son, even if he's made some unwise choices. I want to give him some tools to deal with others’ comments about himself. He's dyslexic, so there's a confidence issue with schooling.

A. My initial thought is this is building a mountain out of molehill, but I suspect you probably didn't have a choice in regard to school meeting. Whether or not your son likes the girl is not relevant to this situation. Likewise is the fact that he may or may not be jealous.

Those are clouding the issue and should be avoided because the “why” something happened is not nearly as important as the “what” happened. This is contrary to a lot of talk today by professionals, so be prepared to stick to the “what happened” in the meeting and steer away as much as possible from the “why did this happen” discussion (and it's near cousin, the why did he do that or why did she react that way).

The best way you can help your son is to ensure he takes responsibility for his actions. He hit the girl with the football and said something not nice to her (true or not, others think he did, so he should own it. Yes, it's not fair, but frankly, it's how life is sometimes).

Come up with what you would have him do to make amends. I’d recommend a verbal apology to the girl, plus having him hand-write in legible script a longer, formal letter of apology to the girl. Bring the letter to the meeting. If this is an out-of-the-blue type of situation, that might be enough of a consequence, as he’s likely to be extremely embarrassed by having to do those two apologies.

If you think this might be a pattern, then level home consequences for his actions, too, i.e., some sort of meaningful restriction, like removing electronics and/or limiting his interaction with the outside world for a time--in other words, make it matter a whole lot to him, not something token. Implement said restriction immediately.

In the near future (once this has had a few days to settle down), you can talk with him in brief spurts (or have your husband do so) about walking away from situations where he feels his self control loosening, about counting to 30 in his head, about replacing mean thoughts about a person with positive or affirming ones, etc. I have a daughter who I work with on occasion on this issue, as she tends to flare up like a tornado when she's frustrated, and it does help to remind her what to do when she feels that way--but only when she's not feeling that way. Avoid over-lecturing, though. Say what you want to say in as few words as possible, then stop talking:) That will sink in more than a long discussion.

One final thought: his dyslexia has nothing to do with his actions, so I'd keep that out of the discussion here as it will only muddy the waters.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

Read More