Back Tracking

Q: I just started implementing “Teen Proofing” (based on John Rosemond’s book of the same name), and have realized that I micromanaged my 12-year-old horribly. Basically, for the past five years, I’ve been a screaming banshee with him. Through family therapy, I’ve regained control of my yelling, but my question is how do we undo our 10 years of micromanaging?

A: The bad news is that, unfortunately, you can’t undo the past, no matter how much you want to. But the good news is that you don’t have to let the past influence your future. You made mistakes—we all do as parents—and you’ll likely make some more going forward. If you haven’t already, please do apologize for yelling so much at your kids. Then use the techniques your therapist gave you to help you not allow screaming to be one of your parenting tools in the future.

Not micromanaging your child’s lives will take discipline on your part. I’d recommend before you do something for your child, count to 10 and then let him do it—or not do it, as the case may be. Let him rise to the occasion or fall on his face. He should have been learning this all along, but it’s not too late for him to catch up on this important life lesson.

Image courtesy of artur84/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Above all, keep in mind that it’s the child who produces the child, not the parent. Each of your children is perfectly capable of handling his life. It might not look as pretty as when you do it—it will likely be messier and at times sink into disaster zones, but by taking giant steps backward in your parenting, you will be giving him the space he needs to figure out how to do things and how to handle it when things go wrong. Be prepared for him to balk at first. After all, you’ve been absorbing all the hits for him, smoothing his way, right? Add the phrase, “You can do it, I will not help you with that” to your vocabulary and use as often as needed—for him and you.

It will take a little time for you all to adjust, as you keep backing away and allowing your child to step up to the plate. Also remember that discipline doesn’t have to be meted out immediately with this age, so if you need to step away to regain control—and avoid screaming—then do so. You can deliver consequences later when you—and your son—have both cooled off.

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on “The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works” through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Also in October, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on “Parenting With Love & Leadership” in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.