Good for the Goose, Good for the Gander?

Q: Over the summer, my 18-year-old son claims we shouldn’t restrict him for playing Internet video games when his older sister (20) watches TV constantly. They are both college students and are back in school now, but will be home for breaks. My son tends to be shier than his sister, but she also does more to help around the house. I don’t want my son to spend all his time online when he’s home. I’m really not looking forward to more fights when they come home for the holidays. What can we do?

A: Before I answer your question, I have one of my own. Why are you still micromanaging your adult children’s lives? Your daughter is 20 and your son is 18. Both are off at college. Therefore, they are perfectly capable of managing their own lives, complete with friends and responsibilities, right?

Image courtesy of imagerymajestic/
FreeDigitalPhotos.net

As for the question you didn’t ask, which is how to get your adult children living at home to do chores, that is very simple. List chores to be done (this should be nearly all the household work), divide between the two of them. Tell them to do the chores (make sure you give specific times if you want chores down a certain way, like mowing the grass Saturday before noon). Then if the chores are not done, you can certainly take away their electronic toys.

What can you do to change your son? Nothing. The only person who can change your son is your son. You can’t make him do things differently. However, you can stop being an enabler. By that I mean don’t buy him games, don’t pay for his addiction, don’t give him a computer to play his games on, that sort of thing.

Finally, stop playing the “Not fair” game with your son. Life’s not fair and the sooner you stop trying to make it fair, then life will settle down more in your home.

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

Read More

Back Tracking

Q: I just started implementing “Teen Proofing” (based on John Rosemond’s book of the same name), and have realized that I micromanaged my 12-year-old horribly. Basically, for the past five years, I’ve been a screaming banshee with him. Through family therapy, I’ve regained control of my yelling, but my question is how do we undo our 10 years of micromanaging?

A: The bad news is that, unfortunately, you can’t undo the past, no matter how much you want to. But the good news is that you don’t have to let the past influence your future. You made mistakes—we all do as parents—and you’ll likely make some more going forward. If you haven’t already, please do apologize for yelling so much at your kids. Then use the techniques your therapist gave you to help you not allow screaming to be one of your parenting tools in the future.

Not micromanaging your child’s lives will take discipline on your part. I’d recommend before you do something for your child, count to 10 and then let him do it—or not do it, as the case may be. Let him rise to the occasion or fall on his face. He should have been learning this all along, but it’s not too late for him to catch up on this important life lesson.

Image courtesy of artur84/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Above all, keep in mind that it’s the child who produces the child, not the parent. Each of your children is perfectly capable of handling his life. It might not look as pretty as when you do it—it will likely be messier and at times sink into disaster zones, but by taking giant steps backward in your parenting, you will be giving him the space he needs to figure out how to do things and how to handle it when things go wrong. Be prepared for him to balk at first. After all, you’ve been absorbing all the hits for him, smoothing his way, right? Add the phrase, “You can do it, I will not help you with that” to your vocabulary and use as often as needed—for him and you.

It will take a little time for you all to adjust, as you keep backing away and allowing your child to step up to the plate. Also remember that discipline doesn’t have to be meted out immediately with this age, so if you need to step away to regain control—and avoid screaming—then do so. You can deliver consequences later when you—and your son—have both cooled off.

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on “The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works” through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Also in October, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on “Parenting With Love & Leadership” in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

Read More

Sunday Morning Coming Down

Q: My 15-year-old daughter doesn’t want to attend religious services with us any longer. She throws such a big fit every Sunday morning that we’ve caved on occasion and let her stay home. Should we continue to make her go or leave her at home?

A: I remember not wanting to attend church with my family as a teenager, but knew better than to protest outwardly. It was understood that unless you were truly sick—and my mother had strict definitions of what constituted sickness—you were going to church, no ifs, ands or buts about it.

The answer depends on how strongly you feel about church attendance. In our household, our faith is an integral part of our home life, and therefore going to worship on Sundays is a non-negotiable. If you feel that going with the family is important, then you need to make that clear to your daughter—and be prepared to follow up with consequences if she refuses.

In that case, I recommend invoking the Godfather Principle: Make her an offer she can’t refuse. For example, say you inform her on Saturday that attendance at church is expected the next morning. On Sunday, everyone’s ready for church but your daughter, who informs you she has no intention of going. You don’t want to be late, so you shrug and leave her at home, seemingly victorious in her defiance.

Nothing more is said on the matter until Thursday, she comes to you bubbling over with plans for a Friday night movie-and-sleepover at her BFF’s house. The conversation should go something like this:

Daughter: “Mom, my BFF is having a sleepover on Friday night! It’s going to be awesome.”

You: “It does sound like it will be fun.”

Daughter: “We’re watching all of the Twilight movies and staying up all night. Her mom is going to make pizzas for us.”

You: “I’m sorry you’ll miss that.”

Daughter, puzzled: “But there’s nothing on the family calendar for that night—I checked.”

You: “That’s right, there’s no family conflict.”

Daughter: “Then I can go?”

You, with a sorrowful expression: “I’m afraid not.”

Daughter, increasingly upset: “But why not?”

You: “Because you didn’t go to church with us last Sunday.”

Daughter, spluttering: “You, you can’t do that!”

You: “I’m sure you’ll have just as much fun home watching Star Wars with your brother.”

Then you walk away, leaving your daughter to stew in her own juices.

If she’s smart, this will be the only time you’ll have trouble getting her to church on Sunday morning. On the other hand, some kids learn things the hard way. Oh, and the title is borrowed from a Johnny Cash song, just in case you wondered.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

Read More

Should a Mother Be a Daughter’s BFF?

Q: Our teenage daughter calls my wife (her mother) her best friend. Our daughter has some trouble making and keeping friends (I think because she’s bossy and demanding). But hearing my wife referred to as my daughter’s best friend is a little strange to me. Her mother says to our daughter that she can’t be her best friend and mother, but I’m not sure she’s putting those words into practice. How should a mother view her relationship with her teenage daughter?

A: So many parents forget that the time for friendship is after the child has been fully emancipated from the home with her own job, apartment and full responsibility for bills and living expenses. During the teenage years, the parent should be more of a mentor and begin when the child reaches 13, to slowly move back from a more hands-on approach.

It sounds like your wife is moving into more of a friendship than a mentor relationship with your daughter. For your daughter’s sake, she should readjust to be more a mentor and not share as much as a friend would. Your daughter needs to have friends of her own, which she might not do as readily if her mother is fulfilling that role in her life.

Your part in all of this is to co-mentor with your wife. As the father, you need to be a mentoring parent. Your wife appears to have the head knowledge that she should not be her daughter’s best friend, but a gentle nudge reminder from you would probably be good. The time to be friends with your daughter will come, but until then, enjoy your time as a mentor.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

Read More

When Teen Plays Jekyll and Hyde, Parents Need to Get Mean

Q: Our 13-year-old son has become a brat to us and his younger sister. At school, he is a good student and gets along well with his teachers. At home, he’s horrible, misbehavior, talking back, etc. He can behave when he wants his privileges but nasty other times. His birthday is coming up and he wants it to be special. Help!

A: Unfortunately, your story is being replicated in many homes around the country, as we buy in to the notion that teenagers are moody, disrespectful beings who should be approached gingerly. This didn't used to be the case. A hundred years ago or so, teenagers were valued members of society, who contributed to their families in meaningful ways. But do not despair. There is hope that your teen can be a respectful, productive member of your family and community. So take heart—if he’s behaving at school, you must be doing something right.

Now for some practical advice. Consistency is the key to success in this area. Whenever your son is disrespectful, talks back, etc. (might help to make a list of behaviors to target and pick the top five to start with), at home, then he can either go to his room for an hour or he can refuse. If he does go to his room but does not stay quietly for a full hour, ignore him. The first time he refuses to serve his punishment, he loses his favorite weekend privilege (i.e., being with friends). The second refusal, he loses his second-favorite weekend privilege (i.e., having a friend over). The third refusal means he loses all weekend privileges and goes to bed at eight o’clock every night. The success depends on your consistent but calm enforcement. Only say, “That’s an hour in your room.” If he protests he didn’t hear you, shrug and say, “You’d better clean the wax out of your ears,” and commence with the weekend privilege takeaways.

This is called being “mean,” as in, you mean what you say. I’d rather be a mean parent any day of the week.

By the way, the above advice is adapted from John Rosemond’s Teen Proofing book, which I highly recommend as a good way to get on the right page for the future.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

Read More