Q: My eight-year-old boy has been disobedient and defiant since he was three. He’s also bullying his three younger siblings. We’ve tried stripping his room and putting him on restriction, but I don’t think we’ve held the line as long as we should have. It hasn’t seemed to make a different in his behavior. We plan on kicking him out of the garden [stripping his room of play value and confining him to his room]. However, even though his “things” are not available, all the toys of our other kids are strewn all over the house. And what do we do about family plans, such as camping?
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A: With four children of my own, I understand your concerns. Here’s a solution: the 30-day chart system. On the fridge, post a list of three to five targeted misbehaviors, such as “No bullying,” “Obey the first time we tell you to do something,” etc. Be as specific as you can in the behaviors to leave no wiggle room on his part. Put away all of his favorite toys and/or electronics (that means no TV, DVDs, movies, in addition to any video games, etc.), even if it’s something with which another sibling likes to play. Remember to think like your son does and hit him where it hurts, a la the Godfather Principle (make them an offer they can’t refuse).
If he does any of the targeted misbehaviors while out of his room, he has two “free” passes per day. If he “uses” the two free passes by doing one of the misbehaviors, then he’s in a guest room (without toys, etc.) and to bed (in his own room) directly after supper, lights out. Each time he’s confined to his room, the 30 day chart starts over the next day—even if he blows it on the 29th day.
Inform him that he will start to get back his things once he can go 30 days without the target misbehaviors. Even if he’s confined to his room, he can still go with you on outings when you can’t leave him at home.
As for the bullying aspect: Be careful that you don’t assign roles to your kids, as in your older son is the “bully” and your younger children are the “victims.” Remember that children are going to have conflict, and to let them work it out for the most part on their own. You should not be refereeing their squabbles. If they’re fighting over a toy, then take the toy away but don’t assign blame or try to figure out who started the fight, etc.
Stay the course until he can complete 30 days without losing his two free passes, then you can “step it up” (by adding another target misbehavior to the list) or “step it down” (by removing one of his two daily free passes). Some kids are more bullish than others when it comes to learning, so that’s why it’s likely to get worse before it gets better.
In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Also in October, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.
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