Kicking It

Q. I need to do something to stop my preteen’s (12 year old) ongoing disrespect of me. It has now spilled over to other adults, such as his insulting our dinner guests last week. I am considering taking away his prized, brand-new camera, as it is long past time to teach him a lesson in this area. Your thoughts?

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A. No disrespect, but this blatant disrespect needs more than a token consequence. Taking away his prized camera is only a token consequence. What this boy needs pronto is to be kicked, as in Kicked Out of The Garden. His wake-up call needs to be loud and long to stop his slid into a degenerate teenager—which is where he is headed unless you stop pussyfooting around and get down to business.

First of all, kicking him out of his garden is no more than stripping his life down to the essentials. That means all of his possessions except for a few basic items of clothing and school gear (backpack, notebooks, etc., but no computers, electronics of any kind, music, sports activities, after school activities, etc.) will be put in storage or at least in a place inaccessible to him.

Then put up a 30-block chart on the refrigerator. Each day he’s not disrespectful gets a block crossed off at bedtime. You’ll need to be specific, such as “You are to answer me yes or no ma’am when spoken to,” etc. Tell him that the 30-day chart starts over anytime he’s disrespectful to you. When he can go the full 30 days without being disrespectful, he gets back his least favorite item or privilege. Each day after the 30 that he’s not disrespectful, he gets back another item or privilege, starting with what he values the least to what he values the most.

This should cure him after some false starts. However, please remember two things. 1) He may never get back all of his stuff/privileges. Some kids would rather wallow in misery than admit someone else has authority over them. 2) It’s up to him to change. You can’t change him. All you can do is establish what you expect and what you won’t tolerate.

Some might call this plan of attack overkill, but you have a hoodlum in training who needs a jolt to learn how to control his tongue and attitude. This is for his own good as well as for the good of your family. It’s time to kick things into high gear and reboot his life. No halfway measures will do.

Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.