Not Staying in Bed

Q: My husband and I want some alone time in the evenings, but our preschooler keeps coming out of his room after being tucked in for the night. How can we get him to stay in his room after lights out?

--Bedtime Blues

A: We had this problem when our youngest, who shared a room with his older brother, transitioned to a toddler bed from his crib. We reserved the lock on the door (unlocking it before we went to bed), and that worked. But here’s a gentler solution to your dilemma.

After putting your child in bed, hang a plastic play necklace on the inside doorknob of his room. Then tell him that the necklace means he can get out of his bed and room. But, if he does, he must bring you the necklace and then he can ask a question, share some news, get a drink of water, go to the bathroom, etc.

Then back in bed he goes but this time, do not rehang the necklace. Now, if he gets up, he can’t give you the necklace and therefore, he incurs a two-fold penalty. First, he doesn’t get to play with his favorite toy the next day. Second, tomorrow’s bedtime is moved up to directly after supper. The following night, when you put him to bed—no matter what time—put the necklace on the doorknob and follow the same instructions.

A couple of things might happen. Your son might have no interest whatsoever in the necklace and get out of bed a bunch of times the first few nights. However, a few days of not playing with his favorite toy and several nights with an early bedtime should cure him of getting out of bed more than once. And I think that you could probably live with one time out of bed.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

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Land the Helicopter

Helicopter parenting might make a good punch line to many a joke, but the reality is, hovering around your child can set him or her up for a lifetime of problems, especially for teen or recent high school graduate. A new study published in the Journal of Adolescence finds that helicopter parenting is what causes a child to skip class or turn in school projects late.

"It would seem that emerging adults should be personally invested in their own growth and development by solving their own problems with roommates, making their own decisions about employment, and seeking their own help from professors," the study authors wrote. "By not doing so, emerging adults may be robbing themselves of the experiences and practice necessary to develop skills that are essential for success in marriage, careers, and adult social interactions."

Imagine that: making important decisions for your teen stymies their ability to actually make those decisions and grow up into successful adults. While it might seem to make sense to take charge of your child's life as a youngster, the wisest course would be to step back and allow the child to stand on his own two feet as early as possible. You might just find you enjoy life more on the ground than in the air.

Until next time,

Sarah

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Stepping Back, Not Forward

You’re on the playground and your five-year-old son pushes another boy down while playing a game of tag. You see children being children, no harm done; the other mother sees a playground bully preying on her child.

As any mother can attest, situations like the one above are fraught with drama. If you’re the mother of the pusher, you can feel judged and embarrassed. If you’re the mother of the pushee, you can feel angry and scared for your child’s wellbeing.

That scenario happened to me earlier this week, with my son being the one who pushed another child down while playing a game with a group of boys, all around the same age. Boys of a certain age tend to be play a bit rough. None of the boys were being mean or vicious—and I keep a close eye on my two boys to ensure their play does not stray into that territory. I know my oldest son can get carried away with his play and become too rough, and I try to nip that tendency in the bud.

I feel in general that we as parents, and particularly as mothers, have become oversensitive about our expectations for our children’s behavior and the behavior of other children. With the pushing incident, I felt the other mother wanted me to discipline my child for something I wasn’t even sure he had done. The other mother was visibly upset and angry, even though her son was back playing as if nothing had happened.

Sometimes, we strive too hard to please everyone with our parenting—and that can lead to us to make mistakes and not parent effectively. Sometimes, it’s harder to let children be children, and to let them work through their own squabbles without interfering.

My goal with my children has been to be as hands-off as possible, to let them figure things out on their own whenever possible, to train them how to resolve conflicts as they grow (and with siblings, there’s plenty of opportunity for that!), and to just be kids. Allowing our kids the chance to grow in their own can be a beautiful thing. That doesn’t mean we turn them completely loose, or that we ignore bad behavior, but that we step back from them more often than we step forward into their lives.

And keeping a little perspective on the playground, helps, too.

Until next time,

Sarah

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Playing After Dark

Q: We have started making our three-year-old son spend his time outs in his bedroom where he has some toys. Do we remove the toys, or just make it clear that he shouldn’t play with the toys while he is in timeout?

This same dilemma resurfaces at bedtime. We’ll go through our entire routine (bath, brush teeth, read books, etc.), tuck him in, and then hear him playing with his blocks 30 minutes later! I am not opposed to him playing quietly, but I don’t know if he legitimately cannot sleep or if the idea of playing after we say lights out is what keeps him awake longer.

A: If you’re using his bedroom as a time out consequence for misbehavior, you should remove either all or most of the toys. Some kids have so many toys in their room, going there as a punishment doesn't have much of an impact. You want the time out to be effective, to make an impression, otherwise, you'll be disciplining for the same thing over and over again. No one--not the parent and not the kid--wants to experience that.

About playing in his room after lights out: Unless you feel that he's not getting enough sleep (cranky the next day, etc.), if he's not bothering anyone and stays in his room, then let him play once he goes to bed. If he plays quietly for half an hour and doesn't come out of his room, then count yourself lucky. It sounds like he falls asleep on his own later. After all, the bedtime is not for the child--it's for the parents to get some grown-up time without the children.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

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When Siblings Fight

Ever wonder how to handle sibling fights? I explore ways to help parents and brothers and sisters live in more or less in harmony in my article, "Why Can't They Just Get Along?," on Crosswalk.com.

Find out how to stop most conflicts from escalating and how to create an atmosphere of peace instead of discourse in your home.

Until next time,

Sarah

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A New Focus

Starting today, I will be changing the focus of this blog, switching from work-from-home issues to parenting as part of my recent certification as a Leadership Parenting Coach through the John Rosemond Leadership Parenting Institute. I plan on blogging Tuesdays (general thoughts or observations on parenting), Wednesdays (interesting articles relating to child rearing) and Thursdays (answering reader questions about parenting). If you have a parenting issue or topic you would like to see covered, drop me a line through the contact page on this site.

I have enjoyed these years talking with you about working from home and hope you will support my new endeavor by dropping by sometimes.

Until next time,

Sarah

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Work-From-Home Job Spotlight: Computer Network Engineer

Each Thursday, I’m highlighting a work-from-home job or business.

Job Description:A computer network engineer is one who manages the information technology hardware and infrastructure for businesses, organizations and governments.

Education: Bachelor’s degree preferred, although some companies require post-graduate work or degrees as well.

Skills: The ability to monitor a network’s day-to-day operations, as well as organize, install and support a company’s computer networks.

Job outlook: U.S.Department of Labor’s Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) finds that “employment of network and computer systems administrators is expected to grow 28 percent from 2010 to 2020, faster than the average for all occupations. Demand for these workers is high and should continue to grow as firms invest in newer, faster technology and mobile networks..” Check out the BLS Occupational Outlook Handbook for more details.

Possible employers:Think outside organizations or big businesses and target small businesses, such as restaurants and boutique retailers.

Preparation: Join the Association for Computing Machinery or the Institute of Electrical and Electronics Engineers Computer Society. Both groups offer certification and continuing education courses.

Get your foot in the door: Call area nonprofits to see about work for a reduced rate for a referral or letter of recommendation.

Testimony: Jenny A. in Aliso Viejo, Calif., worked around 10 hours a week managing the IT hardware and infrastructure for a local quickservice chicken restaurant chain. It was hard for her to make time during the day for work instead of letting it pile up each evening. “It’s difficult at times to deal with the constant pull in so many directions—mother, wife, job—and still find time to take care of yourself,” says Jenny. “But I loved being home with my kids.”

Until next time,

Sarah

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