Homework Takes Over

Q: My daughter takes a long time doing homework after school. She’s in the fifth grade, and her teacher says the assignments should only take 45 minutes to an hour. My daughter’s at the table for upwards of 90 minutes, sometimes even two hours. She does have the tendency to be perfect in everything, and I’ve seen her erase and redo math problems to get the numbers just right. The teacher says she’s capable of doing the work, but having her pour over her work for so long is really eating into her play time and other activities. Help!

—Trapped in Homework Land

A: It sounds like your daughter needs help learning how to manage her time. If her teacher says the work shouldn’t take her longer than an hour, then that should be the amount of time allowed to complete the work. Set a timer for an hour when your daughter starts her homework. Tell her that when the timer dings, she is finished with her homework, whether the work is complete or not. Yes, that might mean she doesn’t get a good grade on that assignment, but she needs to take responsibility for her own homework. Part of homework is learning how to manage your time, and only your daughter can figure out how to get her work done in the allotted time.

One final thought: Let the teacher know you are trying this approach and that you expect the teacher to give your daughter the grade she deserves on the homework turned in, whether it’s completed or not. You certainly don’t want the teacher to give your daughter extra time in class to finish what should have been done at home, or that will defeat the purpose, which is to help her with time management.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

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Why Self-Control Matters

Teaching children self-control has fallen out of favor in our society as a whole these days. But I've been heartened to hear about more studies that tout the benefits of self-mastery.

I explore the why and how to teach self-discipline in my article, "Master of Oneself." I encourage you to take a look and start yourself and your children on the path to self-control.

Until next time,

Sarah

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Merry-Go-Round: Old Fashioned Fun

With delightful weather department, we’ve been visiting playgrounds recently. On one visit, for nearly the entire half hour or so we were there, my three oldest children played on one piece of equipment: the merry-go-round. Laughter, squeals of pretend terror, sheer joy on the faces of the children hanging on for dear life as other kids ran as fast as they could in the grooved circle—what could be a better picture of childhood?

Nearly every non-preschooler who came to the playground made a beeline directly for the merry-go-round. I sat on a nearby bench and watched the interplay between the kids, and was heartened to see everyone getting along. Chants of “Push us, push us,” were answered by someone leaping off and racing around. When my youngest son (age 3) got on and then decided he wanted off shortly after the rotations began, a kid yelled, “Stop, someone wants to get off,” and they slowed to allow my son to slid off.

What other piece of equipment can teach children how to get along with one another better than a merry-go-round? There’s so many life lessons to be learned while spinning until you’re dizzy.

But we adults have over-reacted to the merry-go-round’s potential harm by suing playground equipment manufacturers, and cities and schools that had parks with merry-go-rounds installed. Sure some kids have gotten hurt on merry-go-rounds, but what I find more disturbing is our increasing desire to wrap our children in cotton wool to avoid any booboos or skinned knees (hence the tendency to make them wear knee and elbow pads while bike riding or rollerblading).

No one wants our children to get hurt psychically, and we should put a stop to obviously dangerous things. On the other hand, giving children the freedom to spread their wings and fly around the world on a merry-go-round can be wonderful to their own development.

Let them see the world outside is to be explored and conquered, not feared and avoided. Let them experience the joys and pains of mastering things like bike riding and monkey bars. Let them view the world from a different perspective by climbing trees or hanging upside from the swing set.

Sure, you might have to stock up on band-aids and kiss a few more hurts, but if you can resist the urge to place your children inside a bubble, you might just find out that they are tougher than you think. Hearing your children describe their outdoor adventures can be a priceless experience in itself.

So keep the cotton wool safely tucked away, and go find a park with a merry-go-round, but I’d avoid jumping on board unless you have a stomach of iron. Some things are better left to the kids. 

Until next time,

Sarah

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Not Staying in Bed

Q: My husband and I want some alone time in the evenings, but our preschooler keeps coming out of his room after being tucked in for the night. How can we get him to stay in his room after lights out?

--Bedtime Blues

A: We had this problem when our youngest, who shared a room with his older brother, transitioned to a toddler bed from his crib. We reserved the lock on the door (unlocking it before we went to bed), and that worked. But here’s a gentler solution to your dilemma.

After putting your child in bed, hang a plastic play necklace on the inside doorknob of his room. Then tell him that the necklace means he can get out of his bed and room. But, if he does, he must bring you the necklace and then he can ask a question, share some news, get a drink of water, go to the bathroom, etc.

Then back in bed he goes but this time, do not rehang the necklace. Now, if he gets up, he can’t give you the necklace and therefore, he incurs a two-fold penalty. First, he doesn’t get to play with his favorite toy the next day. Second, tomorrow’s bedtime is moved up to directly after supper. The following night, when you put him to bed—no matter what time—put the necklace on the doorknob and follow the same instructions.

A couple of things might happen. Your son might have no interest whatsoever in the necklace and get out of bed a bunch of times the first few nights. However, a few days of not playing with his favorite toy and several nights with an early bedtime should cure him of getting out of bed more than once. And I think that you could probably live with one time out of bed.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

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Land the Helicopter

Helicopter parenting might make a good punch line to many a joke, but the reality is, hovering around your child can set him or her up for a lifetime of problems, especially for teen or recent high school graduate. A new study published in the Journal of Adolescence finds that helicopter parenting is what causes a child to skip class or turn in school projects late.

"It would seem that emerging adults should be personally invested in their own growth and development by solving their own problems with roommates, making their own decisions about employment, and seeking their own help from professors," the study authors wrote. "By not doing so, emerging adults may be robbing themselves of the experiences and practice necessary to develop skills that are essential for success in marriage, careers, and adult social interactions."

Imagine that: making important decisions for your teen stymies their ability to actually make those decisions and grow up into successful adults. While it might seem to make sense to take charge of your child's life as a youngster, the wisest course would be to step back and allow the child to stand on his own two feet as early as possible. You might just find you enjoy life more on the ground than in the air.

Until next time,

Sarah

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Stepping Back, Not Forward

You’re on the playground and your five-year-old son pushes another boy down while playing a game of tag. You see children being children, no harm done; the other mother sees a playground bully preying on her child.

As any mother can attest, situations like the one above are fraught with drama. If you’re the mother of the pusher, you can feel judged and embarrassed. If you’re the mother of the pushee, you can feel angry and scared for your child’s wellbeing.

That scenario happened to me earlier this week, with my son being the one who pushed another child down while playing a game with a group of boys, all around the same age. Boys of a certain age tend to be play a bit rough. None of the boys were being mean or vicious—and I keep a close eye on my two boys to ensure their play does not stray into that territory. I know my oldest son can get carried away with his play and become too rough, and I try to nip that tendency in the bud.

I feel in general that we as parents, and particularly as mothers, have become oversensitive about our expectations for our children’s behavior and the behavior of other children. With the pushing incident, I felt the other mother wanted me to discipline my child for something I wasn’t even sure he had done. The other mother was visibly upset and angry, even though her son was back playing as if nothing had happened.

Sometimes, we strive too hard to please everyone with our parenting—and that can lead to us to make mistakes and not parent effectively. Sometimes, it’s harder to let children be children, and to let them work through their own squabbles without interfering.

My goal with my children has been to be as hands-off as possible, to let them figure things out on their own whenever possible, to train them how to resolve conflicts as they grow (and with siblings, there’s plenty of opportunity for that!), and to just be kids. Allowing our kids the chance to grow in their own can be a beautiful thing. That doesn’t mean we turn them completely loose, or that we ignore bad behavior, but that we step back from them more often than we step forward into their lives.

And keeping a little perspective on the playground, helps, too.

Until next time,

Sarah

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Playing After Dark

Q: We have started making our three-year-old son spend his time outs in his bedroom where he has some toys. Do we remove the toys, or just make it clear that he shouldn’t play with the toys while he is in timeout?

This same dilemma resurfaces at bedtime. We’ll go through our entire routine (bath, brush teeth, read books, etc.), tuck him in, and then hear him playing with his blocks 30 minutes later! I am not opposed to him playing quietly, but I don’t know if he legitimately cannot sleep or if the idea of playing after we say lights out is what keeps him awake longer.

A: If you’re using his bedroom as a time out consequence for misbehavior, you should remove either all or most of the toys. Some kids have so many toys in their room, going there as a punishment doesn't have much of an impact. You want the time out to be effective, to make an impression, otherwise, you'll be disciplining for the same thing over and over again. No one--not the parent and not the kid--wants to experience that.

About playing in his room after lights out: Unless you feel that he's not getting enough sleep (cranky the next day, etc.), if he's not bothering anyone and stays in his room, then let him play once he goes to bed. If he plays quietly for half an hour and doesn't come out of his room, then count yourself lucky. It sounds like he falls asleep on his own later. After all, the bedtime is not for the child--it's for the parents to get some grown-up time without the children.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

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