Parent Watch

Whenever we go to the indoor playground at my local mall, I find myself watching the parents more than the kids. During a recent visit with my four-year-old son, I saw at least six different types of parents.

The Follower.This is the parent who hovers a step or two behind their child. The Follower is quick to help the child overcome any obstacle. This parent is quick to lift him to the top of the climbing structure rather than letting the child try to do it by himself.

The Documenter.This parent sticks close by the child with the intent to record the child’s every “accomplishment” no matter how minor. The click of a camera follows the child’s every move, like the child has her own entourage of paparazzi.

The Commentator.Similar to the Follower, this parent keeps up a running patter to accompany the child’s circuit of the play area. The one-sided conversation sounds like a radio sports broadcaster describing a game on the field: “Oh, you’re going to the train. What sound does a train make? Wooh, wooh. Are you a conductor or a passenger?”

The Player. This is the parent who gets down on his knees to play with his child. The Player interacts with the child constantly, doing ever sillier things and directing the child’s play, forgetting that the parent is not the child’s peer.

The Referee. This parent jumps in whenever there’s the tiniest conflict between her child and another. The Referee rarely allows the children to figure out things on their own. She orchestrates the makeup and will usually make the children play according to her rules.

The Relaxer. This parent sits on the sidelines, checking on her child every once in a while, but trusting that the child can solve his problems on his own. She prefers to let the kid do the playing, while she reads a book.

Which type of parent are you?

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When Teen Plays Jekyll and Hyde, Parents Need to Get Mean

Q: Our 13-year-old son has become a brat to us and his younger sister. At school, he is a good student and gets along well with his teachers. At home, he’s horrible, misbehavior, talking back, etc. He can behave when he wants his privileges but nasty other times. His birthday is coming up and he wants it to be special. Help!

A: Unfortunately, your story is being replicated in many homes around the country, as we buy in to the notion that teenagers are moody, disrespectful beings who should be approached gingerly. This didn't used to be the case. A hundred years ago or so, teenagers were valued members of society, who contributed to their families in meaningful ways. But do not despair. There is hope that your teen can be a respectful, productive member of your family and community. So take heart—if he’s behaving at school, you must be doing something right.

Now for some practical advice. Consistency is the key to success in this area. Whenever your son is disrespectful, talks back, etc. (might help to make a list of behaviors to target and pick the top five to start with), at home, then he can either go to his room for an hour or he can refuse. If he does go to his room but does not stay quietly for a full hour, ignore him. The first time he refuses to serve his punishment, he loses his favorite weekend privilege (i.e., being with friends). The second refusal, he loses his second-favorite weekend privilege (i.e., having a friend over). The third refusal means he loses all weekend privileges and goes to bed at eight o’clock every night. The success depends on your consistent but calm enforcement. Only say, “That’s an hour in your room.” If he protests he didn’t hear you, shrug and say, “You’d better clean the wax out of your ears,” and commence with the weekend privilege takeaways.

This is called being “mean,” as in, you mean what you say. I’d rather be a mean parent any day of the week.

By the way, the above advice is adapted from John Rosemond’s Teen Proofing book, which I highly recommend as a good way to get on the right page for the future.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

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Chores, or How I’ve Stopped Cleaning the House

Last summer, I revamped our household chores, realizing that it’s high time I stopped doing most of the cleaning around here. With four kids between the ages of 4 and 9, I had a ready and able army of helpers.

I sat down and wrote out all the chores I knew my kids were capable of handling. Then I wrote up specific instructions as to how those chores should be done, leaving nothing to the imagination. Finally, I mapped out who would do which chores on what days, putting in what time said chores must be accomplished. (It’s best to be as specific as possible to avoid “misunderstanding” when kids are involved.)

Reviewing the list, I realized nearly every household cleaning task could be assigned to the children, from washing the kitchen floor to vacuuming, from taking out the trash to doing the dishes. Once everything was in place, I called a family meeting and informed the children of the new chores.

While not exactly excited about the prospect—although my five-year-old did do a fist-pump upon being told his job would be setting the table for dinner—the kids have proved to be fairly proficient at cleaning. Not perfect, but with gentle instruction and encouragement, they will soon be doing it as well as any grownup.

Some parents balk at the thought of having their children “work” around the house. To that, I say, aren’t your children consumers in the family? Are they not part of the family? Then they should contribute to the upkeep of the family.

If you need more convincing, here are some positive benefits of chores.

Chores build confidence. Just listen to my oldest brag to her friend that she’s “old enough to do the dishes.” She has discovered that she’s capable of doing something without assistance, something that contributes to the family.

Chores build character, specifically a good work ethic. Being a good employee when they grow up is started by teaching them how to be a good member of the family through chores. Believe me, your child’s future employer will thank you.

Chores build responsibility. Giving your children the opportunity to serve within your family shapes their sense of responsibility.

One final note about chores and compensation: Well-meaning parents tie chores to allowances, and that can create a world of problems. To wit, if a child doesn’t want the money, then he doesn’t have to do the chore, right? Chores are service to the family—if you pay for the chore, the it’s no longer an act of service. So separate chores from allowances.

The new year is a great time to start handing over more of the housework to your children. Then you can sit back and watch their character, confidence and responsibility grow.

Until next time,

Sarah

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High School Freshman: Bored or Sabotaging His Future?

Q: Our son, a freshman, has had a difficult adjustment to high school. Socially, he seems fine, but he is exhibiting anxiety issues. He completes his homework on time, but it’s not always his best effort. However, he’s been flunking tests and quizzes. He has been saying that school is boring and he doesn’t see college in his future. I think he’s afraid of the future, which is why he’s given up on school. How can we help him to reach out to the school for help and get him to do his work?

A: High school is definitely a different animal than middle school, with harder subjects and more distractions. The good news is that he’s doing well socially. The not-so-good news is that his interest in friends could be contributing to the problem if he’s more interested in his social standing than his academic performance.

The bad news is you can do nothing to help him. It’s his work, not yours. If he wants to flunk out, then there’s little you can do to stop him. But do not despair! You can motivate him to solve this problem on his own. I’d recommend a weekly report that your son has to give to each teacher on Friday for their signature. The teachers would have to assert that your son is passing their class with a grade of “C” or better and is not missing any assignments. The report is cumulative to ensure consistent, good performance. Get the teachers’ buy-in before implementing the report by scheduling a meeting with them and going over the report. The report should be simple for the teachers to fill in.

Needless to say, it will be your son’s responsibility to get the teachers to sign the report each week. If he does not get “passing” ratings from all his teachers, then he’s under full restriction—no special events, after school activities, phone calls, electronic devices, etc.—until he brings home a report with all “passing” ratings.

The purpose is to put the responsibility for his grades on the shoulders of the only person who can solve the problem—your son. A system like this gives him clear expectations and a weekly chance to do well in school.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

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Dating When Married

Remember those heady days of early dating with your now-husband? The dinners, movies and outings that just the two of you went on as you discussed everything from favorite bands to politics to religious beliefs. How many times in the past year have you been on a date with your husband?

I do realize that there are seasons of life when it becomes necessary to hunker down and stay in, such as a newborn baby in the house, sickness or the like. But I sometimes think we have a funny way of letting life overtake our marriages, too, and before we know it, we haven't been on a date with our husbands for way too long.

Finding the time for just the two of you--and I'm not sure falling asleep in front of a DVD in the family room really counts--is as essential to your family as putting food on the table. I'm a firm believer that a happy marriage is the best thing we can give our children, that the relationship between husband and wife is even more important than the parent-child one.

To that end, dating your husband should be a top priority, and finding reliable babysitters is paramount. If you don't have any regular babysitters, check with the teens in your church to see if they babysit. Try the local MOPS or other playgroups for leads, and ask other neighborhood moms at the bus stop or park. Start a babysitting co-op with friends.

Once you have a pool of babysitters, go put some dates on the calendar. Spend a few hours one afternoon making a list of things you could do together--them pencil those ideas in every month or so. Your ideas could be expensive, such a dinner at a fancy restaurant for your anniversary, or free, such as a summer concert at an outdoor mall.

I've tried to be diligent about doing this every few months, because our calendar will fill up with things to do, but not necessarily dates with my spouse. This is a great New Year’s Resolution, so don’t let January slip away without planning at least a few dates with your spouse.

Until next time,

Sarah

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Merry Christmas!

I will be taking the next two weeks off to spend time with family and friends. Have a wonderful Christmas and a very Happy New Year!

I'll be back with fresh blogs starting January 8.

Until next time,
Sarah

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Story for an Absent Father?

Q: Friends and family have informed me that I should have a story to tell my four-year-old daughter about his absent father. Frankly, I’m grateful that he is long gone because of his criminal background and abusive nature. My daughter and I are doing just fine, but recently my daughter said she wondered if there was a daddy for her. I hope never to see her father again, because I would be terrified if he ever showed up. Do I need a father-story for her?

A: Four is the age when kids start noticing differences in families, schools, skin color, etc. So just because she’s notice she doesn’t have a father doesn’t mean she’s upset about it.

As for concocting a story about the missing dad, keep it simple instead. Tell her that some families have fathers that live in the same house and some do not. Her family is one of the ones without a daddy in the home.

Answer any questions about her father with the truth—as much as you can give a four-year-old. Don’t give too much information. If she keeps asking questions that you can’t answer because of her age, just tell her that’s all she needs to know at this point. As she grows up, more questions will come up, and you can answer them as appropriately as possible. However, I would stress that you do not owe her a full explanation at this time or any other time. When your daughter is a grown woman, you may wish to share more details, but that day is long in the future.

One final note: Don’t make a big deal over your daughter’s statements like “I don’t have a daddy.” Your reaction will cue her on how she’s supposed to act. Stay calm and answer matter-of-factly something like “That’s right, some kids don’t.” That should keep her fretting over it to a minimum.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

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