Parenting Basics: “Wait Until Your Father Gets Home”

Grandma was right! There is an easy way and a hard way to raise kids. By and large, today’s parents are choosing the hard way. This series of blogs will tackle familiar phrases that used to be commonplace but fell out of favor during the last few decades of the 20th century—and why parents should not be afraid to follow the sentiment expressed in the phrases.

What role does Dad have in your family’s life? Is he regulated to a supporting role, a parenting aide to Mom? Does he share in the discipline? Is he merely a buddy, someone to clown around with while Mom does the heavy lifting?

Part of the confusion today over the role of a father has its roots in the idealized view of the 1950s nuclear family. Dad brought home the bacon, Mom fried it up in a pan, and the kids were pretty much seen but not heard. As part of the backlash against what many saw as a distant, cold father figure, Dads have move out of the background and into the foreground—but not exactly into a co-parenting role.

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Most husbands and wives, when they become Mother and Father, move into a lopsided arrangement whereas the wives/mothers become the head of the child-rearing department and the husbands/fathers float into a buddy/pal relationship with the child. If today’s typical mother were to tell her kids, “Wait until your father gets home!,” in response to misbehavior, most kids would not worry one iota. In fact, they would look forward to Dad coming home to play with them.

This shift into turning Dad into a mere play-pal hasn’t done any favors to the average American marriage, either. Most parents forget that they should be spending more time in the role of husband and wife instead of mother/father. Our job is to help our spouse see his or her role is not to be the world’s greatest dad or mom, but to be the world’s greatest husband or wife.

By concentrating more on the marriage relationship, you will actually be a better mother and father. Might sound counterintuitive, but numerous studies have shown that children are happier and feel more secure when they know their parents’ marriage is strong. Instead of encouraging your husband or wife to be the world’s greatest dad or mom, say you want him or her to be the world’s greatest husband or wife.

Once you make that change—a more focus on husband/wife than mom/dad roles—moving Dad from the fringes of parenting should be easier. A father shouldn’t be a mere parenting aide, but a full participant in parenting decisions and discipline. A good rule of thumb is that the parent with the most hands-on interaction with the children should be the primary discipliner. But that doesn’t mean the Dad (in most cases) can’t mete out consequences when needed or to back up Mom by delivering punishments when requested by Mom.

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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Good for the Goose, Good for the Gander?

Q: Over the summer, my 18-year-old son claims we shouldn’t restrict him for playing Internet video games when his older sister (20) watches TV constantly. They are both college students and are back in school now, but will be home for breaks. My son tends to be shier than his sister, but she also does more to help around the house. I don’t want my son to spend all his time online when he’s home. I’m really not looking forward to more fights when they come home for the holidays. What can we do?

A: Before I answer your question, I have one of my own. Why are you still micromanaging your adult children’s lives? Your daughter is 20 and your son is 18. Both are off at college. Therefore, they are perfectly capable of managing their own lives, complete with friends and responsibilities, right?

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As for the question you didn’t ask, which is how to get your adult children living at home to do chores, that is very simple. List chores to be done (this should be nearly all the household work), divide between the two of them. Tell them to do the chores (make sure you give specific times if you want chores down a certain way, like mowing the grass Saturday before noon). Then if the chores are not done, you can certainly take away their electronic toys.

What can you do to change your son? Nothing. The only person who can change your son is your son. You can’t make him do things differently. However, you can stop being an enabler. By that I mean don’t buy him games, don’t pay for his addiction, don’t give him a computer to play his games on, that sort of thing.

Finally, stop playing the “Not fair” game with your son. Life’s not fair and the sooner you stop trying to make it fair, then life will settle down more in your home.

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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Parenting Basics: “Stew in Your Own Juices”

Grandma was right! There is an easy way and a hard way to raise kids. By and large, today’s parents are choosing the hard way. This series of blogs will tackle familiar phrases that used to be commonplace but fell out of favor during the last few decades of the 20th century—and why parents should not be afraid to follow the sentiment expressed in the phrases.

Image courtesy of Feelart/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

This golden oldie of parenting yesteryear is a must-have for every parent’s repertoire. Basically, stewing in your own juices--or lying in a bed you made-- means facing the consequences of your actions. So many times, we as parents want to shield our children from “bad” consequences brought on by our children’s poor decisions or plain, old bad behavior.

This is one of my favorite phrases, mostly because I love to say “stew in your own juices”—it just sounds rather delicious, don’t you think? To help children want to solve their own problems—and thus not stew in their own juices—parents have to become mean parents, that is parents who mean what they say and say what they mean. Sure, their children might call them Big Meanies, but that’s just because their kids can’t get away with things in their house.

Big Meanies allow children to “stew in their own juices” and “lie in their own beds”, i.e., experience the full consequences of their own misbehavior. This puts the monkey on the back of the only one who can solve the problem—the child.

As long as you step in and try to solve the problem that your child created, the more your child will not solve the problem himself. And the more stress and strife you will create in your home.

The more you step back and let the child solve—or not solve, as the case may be—his own problems, then the more your child will be able to solve his own problems. When your child doesn’t want to, then you leave him alone to suffer the results of his own silly actions, without offering any assistance.

By allowing your child to stew in his own juices, you will be giving him the time to think about what went wrong and how to change things the next time around. Parents who jump in and solve the problem for the child are not providing him with that opportunity—and are thus not letting him learn from his mistakes and to do better the next time.

So mix it up by letting your child stew in his own juices—or lie in his own bed, if you prefer that phrasing—the next time he misbehaves or fails to follow through on something. You might be labeled a Big Meanie, but your child will be the better for it.

Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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Two Ds and a B Spell Trouble

Q: My eight-year-old boy has been disobedient and defiant since he was three. He’s also bullying his three younger siblings. We’ve tried stripping his room and putting him on restriction, but I don’t think we’ve held the line as long as we should have. It hasn’t seemed to make a different in his behavior. We plan on kicking him out of the garden [stripping his room of play value and confining him to his room]. However, even though his “things” are not available, all the toys of our other kids are strewn all over the house. And what do we do about family plans, such as camping?

Image courtesy of ponsuwan/FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

A: With four children of my own, I understand your concerns. Here’s a solution: the 30-day chart system. On the fridge, post a list of three to five targeted misbehaviors, such as “No bullying,” “Obey the first time we tell you to do something,” etc. Be as specific as you can in the behaviors to leave no wiggle room on his part. Put away all of his favorite toys and/or electronics (that means no TV, DVDs, movies, in addition to any video games, etc.), even if it’s something with which another sibling likes to play. Remember to think like your son does and hit him where it hurts, a la the Godfather Principle (make them an offer they can’t refuse).

If he does any of the targeted misbehaviors while out of his room, he has two “free” passes per day. If he “uses” the two free passes by doing one of the misbehaviors, then he’s in a guest room (without toys, etc.) and to bed (in his own room) directly after supper, lights out. Each time he’s confined to his room, the 30 day chart starts over the next day—even if he blows it on the 29th day.

Inform him that he will start to get back his things once he can go 30 days without the target misbehaviors. Even if he’s confined to his room, he can still go with you on outings when you can’t leave him at home.

As for the bullying aspect: Be careful that you don’t assign roles to your kids, as in your older son is the “bully” and your younger children are the “victims.” Remember that children are going to have conflict, and to let them work it out for the most part on their own. You should not be refereeing their squabbles. If they’re fighting over a toy, then take the toy away but don’t assign blame or try to figure out who started the fight, etc.

Stay the course until he can complete 30 days without losing his two free passes, then you can “step it up” (by adding another target misbehavior to the list) or “step it down” (by removing one of his two daily free passes). Some kids are more bullish than others when it comes to learning, so that’s why it’s likely to get worse before it gets better.

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Also in October, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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Parenting Basics: “You Need to Stand on Your Own Two Feet”

Grandma was right! There is an easy way and a hard way to raise kids. By and large, today’s parents are choosing the hard way. This series of blogs will tackle familiar phrases that used to be commonplace but fell out of favor during the last few decades of the 20th century—and why parents should not be afraid to follow the sentiment expressed in the phrases.

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A recent Wall Street Journal article asked, “Should You Bring Mom and Dad to the Office?” The story focused on the growing trend of Millenials—the generation born between the 1981 and the early 2000s—who are arriving at job interviews with a resume and their parents. This group of twentysomethings and thirtysomethings “are much closer to their parents than previous generations, and they have gained a reputation for being coddled by so-called helicopter parents.”

Some employers, who once balked at the practice, have slowly begun to embrace the presence of parents at the interview stage—and beyond. For example, the Wall Street Journal article quoted a Northwestern Mutual executive who “does everything it can to accommodate the parents of college-aged interns, including regularly inviting them to the office for open houses. … Some Northwestern Mutual managers call or send notes to parents when interns achieve their sales goals and let parents come along to interviews and hear details of job offers. They may even visit parents at home.”

Apparently, some parents have forgotten to employ the phrase, “You need to stand on your own two feet,” to any great effect with their offspring. My mother would say this whenever I started to ask her for help with my homework—worksheets, I might add, that I was perfectly capable of doing myself but was too lazy to extend the brain effort required.

Telling a child to stand on his own two feet is another way of encouraging him that he can do the task at hand, that within himself are the necessary skills and abilities to finish, start, complete or tackle whatever mountain is standing before him. Homework, learning to ride a bike, putting together a puzzle—those are some of the things that kids sometimes ask for assistance when they can do it themselves.

Parents of yesteryear knew that a child usually asked for help as the first resort, not after the child has wrestled with something for an extended period of time and still couldn’t figure it out. A child will always try to take the path of least resistance, and that’s when parents need to pull out the phrase, “You need to stand on your own two feet” to prod the child to work more towards his independence.

Grown children who allow mom and dad to accompany them on job interviews haven’t learned how to stand on their own two feet. They are missing out on a key component to success in life: learning how to lead a life of independence. That dependence on parents starts when a child is young, too young to realize his own need to try and fail, to fall and get back up, which is really what teaching a child to stand on his own two feet is all about. Having that skill is much better than dragging Mom and Dad along to a job interview—and one that will produce an independent and successful adult in the process.

This month, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Also in October, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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Embarrassment Fuels Defiance

Q: When my kindergartner become embarrassed, she digs in her heels and becomes ridiculously obstinate and defiant. It doesn’t matter if the embarrassment is due to a reprimand or mistake. Pouting, stomping, crying, covering of ears, etc., ensues. We’ve tried explaining that everyone makes mistakes but that hasn’t helped. I don’t want this to become an issue in the classroom. What can we do?

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A: Ah, the old “why” instead of a action. Because you think her reaction is because she’s embarrassed, you’ve given her a pass on how she acts. The truth of the matter is she is throwing a temper tantrum whenever something happens she didn’t want to occur—either her own fault or not. You’ve allowed her to continue with this stomping, pouting, wailing and gnashing of teeth and now it’s time to put an end to it.

Stop trying to reason with your child. She’s not going to listen or understand, so save your breath and use it to address the real problem: her temper tantrums. At this age, solving it should be fairly easy if you’re consistent. Designate a rarely used room in the house as the tantrum (a powder room or guest room works well). Tell her that she needs to go to that room whenever she’s embarrassed and feels like crying, stomping, covering her ears, etc. Then you remind her, leading her by the hand, to the room, where she stays by herself until she stops having the tantrum.

Your job is to help her remember to go to the room whenever she has a tantrum. A temper tantrum without an audience is like a fire without oxygen: both burn out rather quickly in its absence.

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Also in October, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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Parenting Basics: What Do Britches Have to do With Anything?

Grandma was right! There is an easy way and a hard way to raise kids. By and large, today’s parents are choosing the hard way. This series of blogs will tackle familiar phrases that used to be commonplace but fell out of favor during the last few decades of the 20th century—and why parents should not be afraid to follow the sentiment expressed in the phrases.

To those who think britches, an old-fashioned word for pants, has nothing to do with child-rearing, I say read on! The phrase “You’re acting too big for your britches” is one that should be employed by every parent, if not in actual word, at least in sentiment.

Someone who’s too big for their pants is one who is too arrogant. The origin of the phrase, “You’re too big for your britches” has its roots in the 1830s and means one who  thinks too highly of himself than he ought to. In the middle of the last century, the phrase was often said in conjunction with “If you don’t size yourself to your britches, I’ll do it for you.”

A similar phrase used in previous generations of parents is “You need to be taken down a peg or two,” which has its origin in the ancient practice of ranking people on a vertical peg board, with one’s name represented by a peg. The higher on the peg, the higher in society you ranked. Thus to be taken down a notch or peg meant that you had gotten above your station in life and needed to be reminded of your proper place.

Today, with many parents buying into the notion that families are a democracy (that’s a discussion for another blog), the notion that a child could in fact be acting above where she ought might smack of classism. But nothing could be further from the truth when it comes to children. Parents nowadays routinely allow their children to grow inflated egos, to think themselves much more important than they should be.

In our quest for equality, we’ve forgotten what the parents of yesteryear understood intuitively: that youngsters had no problem thinking too highly of themselves and need to be taught otherwise. Basically, the phrase “you’re too big for your britches” is an antidote to high self-esteem. A child with high self-esteem, as I’ve talked about on this blog before, is one who puts herself above all others, who focuses more on what her needs are than on the needs of others, and who wants her needs attended to above all others.

A child who is too big for his britches is a child who wants his way in everything. A child who is too big for his britches is one who ignores his parents, his teachers and whoever else is standing in his way. A child who is too big for his britches has an ego the size of Texasand has no qualms about asserting his will in all things.

In other words, a child who’s too big for his britches is one who is a big brat.

Now, if you don’t want a bratty child—and, seriously, who does?—then you’d better start sizing your children to their proper size britches. All that means is that when you see their little egos start to inflate, you gently—you don’t have to be harsh about it to get the point across—take then down a notch. This means, you teach them to put others first. This means, you make them wait their turn. This means, you show them how to treat others with respect and courtesy—and demand that same treatment from them towards you.

“You’re getting too big for your britches” is a golden oldie when it comes to parenting phrases. Dust it off and give it a good workout—even if you have to tell your kids what “britches” are.

Until next time,

Sarah

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Also in October, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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