Boo! Spooky Lessons From a Scary Holiday

To most kids, Halloween can be one of the best holidays ever. Dressing up, getting candy, staying up late—what could be better to a child? But sometimes, Halloween can be frightening to parents. What about the scary costumed older kids your little one may encounter? Will the candy be safe to eat? What about knocking on the doors of strangers—won’t that send the wrong message to my kids?

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Here are some tips to make Halloween safe and fun for your children.

1. Costume safety comes before fashion. If a hemline drags the ground, chances are your child will tip over sometime during the evening. If a mask is too loose, your kid might fall down, too. Make sure the costumes aren’t a walking hazard for your child and you’ll have an easier evening.
2. Stick to your own neighborhood. Unless you live in candy wasteland, resist the urge to go to the mall or another neighborhood to trick-or-treat. Part of the fun of Halloween is actually talking to your neighbors! Introduce yourselves and your kids, and be sure to say hello the next time you see him mowing the lawn.
3. Mind your manners. Remind your children to speak to the grownups who open their doors, saying “please” and “thank you.” Also, ask them not to grab big handfuls of candy from the offered bowl. We make it a rule that if we can’t hear the “thank you” from each child from our post a few feet away, then that candy is ours. We’ve never had to enforce that rule, come to think of it! Somehow, the kids manage to be pretty clear in their thanks.
4. Have a candy-eating policy before Halloween. We generally allow the kids to eat a lot of candy on Halloween itself. Then they can take a piece with their lunch until it’s gone. Sometimes that means Halloween candy is being consumed close to Christmas, but candy doesn’t go bad, right? The kids know that if they sneak candy, Mom and Dad get to eat the rest!
5. Giving is as good as receiving. Part of the fun for our family is returning home and handing out candy to those who knock on our door. All of our kids really enjoy this part of the evening and are disappointed if no one comes looking for candy.

Whatever your Halloween traditions, stay safe and have a sweet time! I know my Dorothy, Mary, Robin Hood and Dragon will.

Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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Scared Stiff

I was quite the scaredy cat as a child. Shadows in the night spooked me at times, and let’s not think about things that went bump in the darkness! Forget watching scary movies or even those with the barest hint of zombies, vampires, ghosts or goblins.

Some of my friends had no such qualms. The scarier the better for them. A moonless night and the sound of a lonely werewolf only brought howls of laughter, not shudders of fear.

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Things got pretty dark a few decades ago, but nothing like today’s saturation with darkness. Movies like World War Z, television shows like “The Walking Dead,” book and film series juggernauts like Twilight and Harry Potter have brought zombies, vampires and wizardry into vogue.

With so much dark stuff surrounding us on a regular basis, it can be easy to forget that children of all ages can find such things disturbing or scary. Rather than assume our kids are fine with the images and increasingly life-like skeletons, zombies and vampires, we should use these encounters to remind them that these things especially visible this time of year are not real.

We kept an eye on how our children reacted to scary things and either avoided houses with more realistic Halloween decorations or visited in the daytime so that the child could clearly see it wasn’t real. How are some ways you’ve handled a scared child this time of year?

Until next time,

Sarah

Early next year, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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Parental Postings

Most parents think nothing of uploading information and photos of their children on social media, but are they overlooking the risk factors? We have chosen not to post any photographs or images of our children with the rare exception if the picture doesn’t show their face at all. We also don’t list our children’s full names, only their first initial, in postings.

Are we especially paranoid? Or just a bit odd? We freely acknowledge that we are outside the norm, given how many photos of children proliferate Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and other social media and websites. And we certainly don’t expect everyone to follow our lead—that’s a decision each family needs to make on their own.

But here’s some food for thought: each time a photo or story about your child is uploaded, that image or mention will likely follow your child around forever. As we’ve learned over the years, once something is out there in cyberspace, it can take on a life of its own. Yes, there are things you can do to mitigate that, by removing GPS tags, by keeping on top of the ever-changing privacy rules for Facebook and other social media sites.

I’ve come up with a few questions I like to ask myself before sharing anything about my children in any type of public forum—whether it’s in an article, to a group of moms, on Facebook or in a book.

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Will my child be embarrassed to have this story overheard today? Next year? As an adult? Sometimes, things that would embarrass our child today would be okay in a few weeks or even years. Other times, it’s an incident that might be best left within the family.

Is this gossip?We often don’t think that we can gossip about our own family, but we can. Thinking about our stories and images of our children as potential gossip can curtail our impulse to post.

Am I sharing this story or photo because I want to “show-off” my child? If you’re after merely a response or “likes” for the photo, then maybe you’re not posting for the right reasons.

What is my motive for sharing this particular image or story? This is even tougher for those of us with home-based businesses or how are self-employed. As a parent coach and someone who writes about parenting, I have to be careful about what stories I use from my own family and which ones I keep locked in the family vault, so to speak.

These questions are a good place to start when thinking about to post or not to post. For more in-depth coverage of this issue, read “Pictures of Your Kids: To Post or to Pass?”

Until next time,

Sarah

Early next year, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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Parenting Basics: “You can do that yourself”

Grandma was right! There is an easy way and a hard way to raise kids. By and large, today’s parents are choosing the hard way. This series of blogs will tackle familiar phrases that used to be commonplace but fell out of favor during the last few decades of the 20th century—and why parents should not be afraid to follow the sentiment expressed in the phrases.

How many times have you done something for your children that they can do for themselves? Most of us do way too much for our seemingly helpless kids. The phrase “You can do that yourself” has not gotten much of a workout these days.

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It’s hard to watch our kids struggle with a task, whether it’s learning to tie their own shoes or figuring out the fingering on a piano piece or finishing a particularly tricky bit of math homework. But what we fail to realize is that by jumping in and doing the task for the child—or significantly helping a child with the project—we are actually enabling her to not learn to do it herself. 

Many parents have forgotten how to say to their children, “You can do that yourself.” Instead, enabling has taken over modern parenting. Enabling is evident whenever a parent does something for the child that the child is perfectly capable of doing for himself. Many parents fail to figure the cost of enabling and how it affects the child—and themselves. The cost of enabling to the child is increased dependence on parents, which increases the anxiety of the mother.

The child feels inadequate and helpless, lacks problem-solving and competency skills, and lacks appreciation for his personal strengths and weaknesses. In turn, that fuels the mother’s increased frustration at having to teach the same things constantly to the child.

Enabling also lowers the child’s academic performance, triggering in the mother a tendency to personalize her child’s school performance, as she ties his school performance with her worth/performance as a mom. 

To break the enabling cycle, we as parents need to stop doing so much for our kids. Start by taking counting to ten and repeating to yourself, “She can do it herself” whenever you see your child struggling or getting frustrated with a task. Turn away and focus on something else when your child is attempting to figure something out, such as homework, so that you won’t be tempted to jump in too soon.

Sure it's hard to watch your child fall down while learning to ride a bike and skin her knee. But only by testing her limits will she learn the sweet taste of doing it by herself. Give your child the breathing room to fail—and you will be surprised at how often she succeeds.

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Also in October, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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Pregnant Teen Wants Adult Treatment

Q: I’m a single mom with a 15-year-old daughter who is 3 months pregnant. My daughter thinks that because she’s having a baby, she should be treated as an adult. In her mind, that means no longer following our house rules, not doing chores and staying home from school. I’m not sure how to counter her arguments—your thoughts?

A: Ah, most teenagers try this tactic, pregnant or not, so it’s nothing really unusual. My answer would be the same, as her pregnancy doesn’t make any difference in her position in her home. Until your daughter is working and supporting herself completely, she is not an independent adult. She’s expecting all the privileges of an adult—making her own rules, deciding what to do around the house, deciding on whether or not she’s going to school—without the responsibilities of paying the rent, buying groceries, working full-time, etc.

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Therefore, as long as she’s living under your rent—and one assumes, you’re paying for her room and board, as one does with an not-yet-emancipated child—then she must follow your rules. You are not a hotel, she is not a paying guest. As a member of your household on a daily basis, she is expected to contribute to its upkeep by doing chores (pregnancy should not curtail her ability to push a vacuum or scrub a sink). As a member of your household, she is expected to attend school—that is her “job” now. As a member of your household, she is expected to follow the house rules.

When you inform your daughter of this, expect pushback, as she’s not going to like it. Be prepared to back up your stance by kicking her out of her very nice, very comfortable Garden-of-a-bedroom. When she refuses to comply (and chances are very good that she will), remove all electronics, including her cell phone (which I’m guessing you foot the bill for), computers, tablets, music, etc., as well as her favorite clothes, books, games, whatever she most enjoys doing. This should be done when your daughter is out of the house, so conspire with a friend or relative to get her away for a few hours.

If you can’t afford a storage unit or don’t have a room or attic you can lock her things in (she can’t access to them at all), then consider installing a deadbolt on her door and allowing her access once in the morning and once in the evening for 10 minutes each time to get fresh clothes. Have her sleep on a couch or guest room for a while.

Once her room is stripped or locked up, hand her a printed list of chores, with specific times for her to complete them. Also give her a print out of the house rules and your expectation that she go to school every day. Then inform her that she will start to get her stuff back when she becomes more obedient. I’d make this contingent on at least a month of good behavior (but don’t tell her that—keep her guessing as to how long this will last). After a month of good behavior, then start giving her back her stuff, starting with the least favorite item, working your way up to her cell phone (which I’m assuming is her most favorite item).

Then be prepared for a massive temper tantrum. Trust me, this will not be pretty. But keep reminding yourself as she rants and raves, that you are doing what is best for her, even though she won’t thank you now and maybe not ever. Remember that you don’t have to listen to her but can walk away. Your job is to give her enough of a push so that she will see the right decision is in her best interest. She probably won’t see it that way, but then again, she’s not the parent.

Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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Parenting Basics: “Wait Until Your Father Gets Home”

Grandma was right! There is an easy way and a hard way to raise kids. By and large, today’s parents are choosing the hard way. This series of blogs will tackle familiar phrases that used to be commonplace but fell out of favor during the last few decades of the 20th century—and why parents should not be afraid to follow the sentiment expressed in the phrases.

What role does Dad have in your family’s life? Is he regulated to a supporting role, a parenting aide to Mom? Does he share in the discipline? Is he merely a buddy, someone to clown around with while Mom does the heavy lifting?

Part of the confusion today over the role of a father has its roots in the idealized view of the 1950s nuclear family. Dad brought home the bacon, Mom fried it up in a pan, and the kids were pretty much seen but not heard. As part of the backlash against what many saw as a distant, cold father figure, Dads have move out of the background and into the foreground—but not exactly into a co-parenting role.

Photo Credit: Photos.com/Stock Photos/Photos.com

Most husbands and wives, when they become Mother and Father, move into a lopsided arrangement whereas the wives/mothers become the head of the child-rearing department and the husbands/fathers float into a buddy/pal relationship with the child. If today’s typical mother were to tell her kids, “Wait until your father gets home!,” in response to misbehavior, most kids would not worry one iota. In fact, they would look forward to Dad coming home to play with them.

This shift into turning Dad into a mere play-pal hasn’t done any favors to the average American marriage, either. Most parents forget that they should be spending more time in the role of husband and wife instead of mother/father. Our job is to help our spouse see his or her role is not to be the world’s greatest dad or mom, but to be the world’s greatest husband or wife.

By concentrating more on the marriage relationship, you will actually be a better mother and father. Might sound counterintuitive, but numerous studies have shown that children are happier and feel more secure when they know their parents’ marriage is strong. Instead of encouraging your husband or wife to be the world’s greatest dad or mom, say you want him or her to be the world’s greatest husband or wife.

Once you make that change—a more focus on husband/wife than mom/dad roles—moving Dad from the fringes of parenting should be easier. A father shouldn’t be a mere parenting aide, but a full participant in parenting decisions and discipline. A good rule of thumb is that the parent with the most hands-on interaction with the children should be the primary discipliner. But that doesn’t mean the Dad (in most cases) can’t mete out consequences when needed or to back up Mom by delivering punishments when requested by Mom.

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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Good for the Goose, Good for the Gander?

Q: Over the summer, my 18-year-old son claims we shouldn’t restrict him for playing Internet video games when his older sister (20) watches TV constantly. They are both college students and are back in school now, but will be home for breaks. My son tends to be shier than his sister, but she also does more to help around the house. I don’t want my son to spend all his time online when he’s home. I’m really not looking forward to more fights when they come home for the holidays. What can we do?

A: Before I answer your question, I have one of my own. Why are you still micromanaging your adult children’s lives? Your daughter is 20 and your son is 18. Both are off at college. Therefore, they are perfectly capable of managing their own lives, complete with friends and responsibilities, right?

Image courtesy of imagerymajestic/
FreeDigitalPhotos.net

As for the question you didn’t ask, which is how to get your adult children living at home to do chores, that is very simple. List chores to be done (this should be nearly all the household work), divide between the two of them. Tell them to do the chores (make sure you give specific times if you want chores down a certain way, like mowing the grass Saturday before noon). Then if the chores are not done, you can certainly take away their electronic toys.

What can you do to change your son? Nothing. The only person who can change your son is your son. You can’t make him do things differently. However, you can stop being an enabler. By that I mean don’t buy him games, don’t pay for his addiction, don’t give him a computer to play his games on, that sort of thing.

Finally, stop playing the “Not fair” game with your son. Life’s not fair and the sooner you stop trying to make it fair, then life will settle down more in your home.

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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