If ever there was a parenting myth that has gained prominence in today’s child rearing culture, it’s the one that says you can reason your child into proper behavior. I have a hard time keeping a straight face when I hear that one.
The cold, hard reality is that you cannot talk a child into behaving properly. Period. No, ifs, ands or buts about it.
Why, you ask? Because children are not logical beings. Their brains are not wired like ours and won’t be until they reach adulthood. Therefore, kids think very differently than we do. If you ask a kid why she did something you think is rather strange, you’ll find the answer will likely be even stranger. It won’t make sense to anyone but that child (or maybe another kid).
So when I hear parents talk about reasoning with their child to elicit good behavior, my immediate reaction is: And how’s that going for you?
Most of the time, it’s not going well. The adult expresses frustration at the lack of cooperation from the child, even after the parent has explained in great detail exactly why the room needs cleaning now instead of later.
To avoid pulling out your hair, my advice is simply to stop trying. Just don’t explain, reason or try to talk your child into obedience. It won’t work because our explanations are never going satisfy them. The child is never going to say, “Well, when you put it that way, Mom, of course I understand what you’re saying and will be happy to do what you asked.”
What you can do instead is to give clear, precise instructions in an economy of words and act like you expect to be obeyed. Why torture yourself with wanting agreement when that agreement is not going to come until the child is an adult herself and has children of her own? Then—and only then—you just might get the response you’re looking for from your preteen. But until that day, you might as well save your breath for talking to your spouse.
Until next time,
Sarah
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