Oh, Bother

What are five of the most underused words in the English language from parents? Hint: This phrase used to be commonplace, but has fallen out of favor—and use—in the recent decades.

“Go away. You’re bothering me.”

For some reason, these words cause modern parents to shudder and blanch, as if the words themselves could cause nuclear disaster if used within ear shot of their little darlings. I think that’s because we’ve lost focus as parents as to what our role is in relation to our children.

Our primary role is not to be parents, but to be a husband or wife. The marriage should be the center of the family, not the child. To help our children realize that, we must ignore them most of the time.

That’s where, “Go away. You’re bothering me” comes into play. It’s a reminder to them that they need to be about the business of doing their kid-thing while you do your grown-up thing. It’s a reminder that you are not their playmate. It’s a reminder that you are not there to entertain them. It’s a reminder that their job is to find something to do that doesn’t involve you.

Most of the time, your kids are underfoot because they are bored. Sometimes, it’s because they have simply gotten used to someone else—probably you—directing their play. They will find something to do if you ignore them and if they don’t, send them to their room.

But many parents are not comfortable with telling their kids that they are bothering them. Parents see those words as tantamount to saying they don’t love their children or that their children are not important to their parents.

That way of thinking shows just how far we have moved as a society from what previous generations intuitively knew: that kids were better off when they were not bothering adults. We’ve forgotten that children thrive when they are ignored by adults (seriously, don’t you remember finding out more about yourself when left alone for long periods of time?).

So I encourage you to start a revival in your own home of the phrase, “Go away. You’re bothering me.” You might be surprised by how effective those words can be—and how your kids will begin to figure out more things on their own.

Until next time,

Sarah

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Sunday Morning Coming Down

Q: My 15-year-old daughter doesn’t want to attend religious services with us any longer. She throws such a big fit every Sunday morning that we’ve caved on occasion and let her stay home. Should we continue to make her go or leave her at home?

A: I remember not wanting to attend church with my family as a teenager, but knew better than to protest outwardly. It was understood that unless you were truly sick—and my mother had strict definitions of what constituted sickness—you were going to church, no ifs, ands or buts about it.

The answer depends on how strongly you feel about church attendance. In our household, our faith is an integral part of our home life, and therefore going to worship on Sundays is a non-negotiable. If you feel that going with the family is important, then you need to make that clear to your daughter—and be prepared to follow up with consequences if she refuses.

In that case, I recommend invoking the Godfather Principle: Make her an offer she can’t refuse. For example, say you inform her on Saturday that attendance at church is expected the next morning. On Sunday, everyone’s ready for church but your daughter, who informs you she has no intention of going. You don’t want to be late, so you shrug and leave her at home, seemingly victorious in her defiance.

Nothing more is said on the matter until Thursday, she comes to you bubbling over with plans for a Friday night movie-and-sleepover at her BFF’s house. The conversation should go something like this:

Daughter: “Mom, my BFF is having a sleepover on Friday night! It’s going to be awesome.”

You: “It does sound like it will be fun.”

Daughter: “We’re watching all of the Twilight movies and staying up all night. Her mom is going to make pizzas for us.”

You: “I’m sorry you’ll miss that.”

Daughter, puzzled: “But there’s nothing on the family calendar for that night—I checked.”

You: “That’s right, there’s no family conflict.”

Daughter: “Then I can go?”

You, with a sorrowful expression: “I’m afraid not.”

Daughter, increasingly upset: “But why not?”

You: “Because you didn’t go to church with us last Sunday.”

Daughter, spluttering: “You, you can’t do that!”

You: “I’m sure you’ll have just as much fun home watching Star Wars with your brother.”

Then you walk away, leaving your daughter to stew in her own juices.

If she’s smart, this will be the only time you’ll have trouble getting her to church on Sunday morning. On the other hand, some kids learn things the hard way. Oh, and the title is borrowed from a Johnny Cash song, just in case you wondered.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

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Classical Child Rearing: Charlotte Bronte’s Jane Eyre On Parenting

The second in an occasional blog post on classic books that provide insights into parenting.

I first encountered Jane Eyre as an eighth-grader, and promptly fell in love with the heroine. Who wouldn’t love a girl who overcame adversity to become a governess, and then followed her conscious instead of her heart when faced with such a test?

Throughout the years, I’ve revisited Jane and found her to be as delightful and thought-provoking as ever. When a new film version of Jane Eyre came out in 2011, I wrote an article about Jane entitled “The Enduring Legacy of Jane Eyre.”

But I never thought about what Charlotte Bronte in Jane Eyre said about parenting until recently. To me, the most striking thing is Bronte’s eye for how terrible a spoiled child can be.

In the first chapter, we meet 10-year-old Jane, who has been excluded from the company of her widowed aunt, Mrs. Reed, and her cousins, Eliza, John and Georgiana. Jane, happy to be on her own, finds a solace in books and retreats to a secluded window seat.

It is there that John, a lad of 14, finds her, and we’re treated to this description: “He gorged himself habitually at table, which made him bilious, and gave him a dim and bleared eye and flabby cheeks. … Mr. Miles, the [school]master, affirmed that he would do very well if he had fewer cakes and sweetmeats sent him from home, but the mother’s heart turned form an opinion so harsh.”

We quickly learn that John has “not much affection for his mother and sisters” and “Mrs. Reed was blind and deaf on the subject” of his abuse of Jane and the servants. Jane is banished to Lowood and then finds a governess position at Thornwood Hall. Jane returns to Mrs. Reed, when the latter is on her deathbed, and hears of how tormented the woman has been over her son’s behavior (John has recently died). “Oh, I wish he would cease tormenting me with letters for money! I have no more money to give him: we are getting poor.”

From Mrs. Reed, we learn how terrible it is to spoil a child. There are several reasons for why the sentence brought upon the parents and the child is so awful:

• A selfish, spoiled child has no regard for others, parent or siblings, only himself.
• A selfish, spoiled child cannot learn from others because of his own high regard for himself and his well being.
• A selfish, spoiled child will drive away friends and family with his behavior.
• A selfish, spoiled child will have no regard for his parents, and will always expect to be supported and catered to by his family.

Mrs. Reed could have avoided her fate, abandoned by her son, brought to financial ruin by her son, if she had avoided overprotection and overindulgence when dealing with her son as a child. By turning his attention away from himself, by teaching him how to exercise self control, she would have helped him grow up to be a responsible and resilient child.

But the sad result of her neglect of his proper upbringing brought ruin to herself and her daughters, as well as heartache, which eventually killed her.

So we need to take care that as parents we avoid creating little selfish monsters in our children and focus instead of character traits that matter most.

Until next time,

Sarah

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Need a Little Inspiration?

I just found out that my story, "Twins," will be included in Chicken Soup for the Soul: Inspiration for Writers, out May 21. Very excited to tell my story about the simultaneous birth of my first book, Hired at Home, and my fourth baby.

Look for it in bookstores!

Until next time,
Sarah

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Spring Break?

Q: My high school senior wants to go with some of his friends over spring break to Florida. My husband says because he’s a good kid (no trouble with drugs/alcohol/smoking, kept up his grades), he’s inclined to let him go. I’m more concerned with what the other kids will do and that our son will get sucked into participating in something he shouldn’t. What should we do?

Image courtesy of Sura Nualpradid / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A: If your son wanted to go to an unstable country, like Iraq, would you let him? Sending a high school senior, no matter the gender or “goodness quality,” over spring break to Floridais like sending him into a war zone. Florida during spring break is a veritable cauldron of excess: drinking, sex, drugs, etc. It’s difficult to think how any teenager could resist the numerous temptations that will present themselves to him over the course of a week.

However, there’s more than one way to skin a cat—or in this case, to solve this problem. Suggest to him that the entire family head down to whichever beach town his friends will be. He can spend the day with his friends, but with the family for dinner and the evening hours.

While this is a win-win situation for both of you, he might decide not to go by himself. In which case, you’ll spend a relaxing spring break at home.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

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The Art of Repurposing

I’ve never met a container I couldn’t use for something else after its original purpose was completed. Probably comes from having parents who grew up during the Depression and thus had a “waste not” mentality, but it has come in handy over the years.

Now some of you might be wondering what a parenting blog has to do with recycling containers, and I’ll tell you: Reusing containers are a great way to teach about not being wasteful, about using what you have, about finding unique ways to be careful with our possessions, and about taking care of the environment through recycling.

So here are some ideas about repurposing containers in your home. (And yes, we do shop at Costco a lot!).

 

Costco-sized animal cracker containers with lids

• These are great for storing small toys, like trains, trucks and those ubiquitous fast-food toys.
• Also handy when you need a to-go toy container. Each of our boys gets one to pack with toys for camping and other trips.

Costco-sized nut or chocolate-covered raison containers with lids

• These are the perfect size for storing crayons, colored pencils, markers and other art supplies.
• Also great for storing batteries
• Homemade instant oatmeal (great size for easy handling by kids)

Baby food jars (glass) with lids

• These are wonderful for organizing your tools. Nails, screws and other small things are easily kept in these jars.

Yogurt containers

• Small ones can be used as seed starters for your summer vegetable or flower gardens.
• Larger ones with reusable lids can have a second life as leftover holders, especially good for freezing soups and sauces.

Plastic beverage bottles, all sizes

• 2-liter soda bottles can be turned into rain gauges.
• Smaller sizes can be used to take homemade salad dressing on the go.

 Glass Mason jars with lids

• Okay, I think these are some of my favorite storage containers. I use them to store rice, dried beans, carob powder, homemade granola, etc.
• Also great for all sorts of nonfood things. You can find a host of ideas to use these as gifts, too.

These are just some of the containers we reuse in our house. If you’ve reused a container of any sort for a purpose different than what it was originally created for, leave a comment on the blog—we’ll all benefit from learning new ways to use old things!

Until next time,

Sarah

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Lights Out

Q: What time is appropriate for putting our 7-year-old to bed? Right now, she stays up until 9 p.m. most nights, and seems to be fine the next day. Besides, my husband doesn’t get home from work until close to 7 p.m. weekdays, so if she’s in bed earlier, he doesn’t get to spend as much time with her.

A: Your question encapsulates the problem most parents have with making child-rearing decisions. You’re thinking more about the relationship between the parent and child than the relationship between husband and wife.

The question shouldn’t be phrased as whether there’s some magical time that a 7-year-old should be in bed. The question is what time in the evening do you want to be kid-free so you can spend alone time with your spouse.

If you don’t hit the hay until 11 p.m., then having two hours of alone time with your husband after your daughter’s in bed at 9 p.m.would probably work. If, on the other hand, you only have an hour or less without a child around before bed, then move up the child’s bedtime.

The bedtime is not for the child’s sake—it’s for the parents to have time to remove their mother/father hats and put on their husband/wife hats. Therefore, it doesn’t matter if the said child is sleepy or not when bedtime rolls around.

I’d recommend moving up her bedtime to 8 p.m. at the latest. As long as the child stays in her room with the door closed and isn’t disturbing your peace by being too loud, etc., let her read in bed or listen to a book on CD while you reconnect with your husband. After all, you haven’t seen him all day, either.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

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