To Believe or Not To Believe—Is That Really the Question?

Q: I spot-check my 15-year-old daughter’s (“Ann”) social media sites—she knows this—and found a posting by her close friend (“Sue”) that contained obscene language. Sue wrote, “I didn’t write that, Ann did.” Thing is, neither one of the talk like that (at least that I’ve ever heard), so it seems really out of character for either one of them. They were together when the post was written. What can I do? It’s very likely they will finger each other as the “real” writer of the post. Oh, and both are honor students and generally stay out of trouble. Also, do I let Sue’s mother know what I found out (we’re fairly close)?

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A: Many parents would commence the hunt for “the truth,” i.e., who really wrote the incriminating post. Thus begins the game of finger pointing, tears, strained relationships between you and Sue’s parents, etc. The whole thing becomes an exercise in futility because no matter who actually wrote the post, both girls were present at the time it was uploaded and both girls probably share some of the blame, either directly writing it or indirectly egging on the one who did.

So save yourself time and hassle by skipping the hunting part and moving toward the solution part, which is quite simple: take away Ann’s access to social media and to her electronic devices for at least a month. If she asks why, you can say that since her name was associated with such language, she needs a break from social media. Make her go cold turkey from electronic devices for 30 days and that should make her think twice in the future to be even near someone who would post something like that under her name.

Lest you think that is too harsh, keep in mind that in a few years, she will be searching for a job after college graduation. With more and more employers trolling the Web to see what’s being said about job candidates, do you really want her name associated with any filth out there? Not that she needs to hear that—she won’t understand your reasons anyway—but that’s something for you to keep in mind as you consider how to handle things like this now and in the future.

Tread with care if you talk to Sue’s mother about the posting. She might not want to hear that her daughter was associated with something tawdry.

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Also in October, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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Parenting Basics: “Don’t Get Me Involved”

Grandma was right! There is an easy way and a hard way to raise kids. By and large, today’s parents are choosing the hard way. This series of blogs (posted on Tuesdays) will tackle familiar phrases that used to be commonplace but fell out of favor during the last few decades of the 20th century—and why parents should not be afraid to follow the sentiment expressed in the phrases.

Sixty years or so ago, mothers had a life of their own. They weren’t waiting around for their children to “need” them—they were out having cocktails with the neighbors, chairing committees and whipping up Jello-molds with one hand tied behind their backs. Involved in their children’s lives? Not on your life.

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Fast-forward to today: most mothers are over-involved in the minutia that is their children’s lives. No detail is too small to be overlooked or commented on, or scrapebooked. To say you didn’t want to get involved in your children’s lives is tantamount to saying you don’t love your kids.

Which is why the phrase, “Don’t get me involved,” has fallen way out of usage. Some of you reading this blog are wincing, wondering why any decent, loving mother would want to say that to their child. Shouldn’t good mothers be involved?

In a word, no. It all comes down to whose life is it anyway. Is it your child’s life or yours? If your child’s life is yours, then you should be involved. But your child’s life isn’t yours to live—it is your child’s and your child’s alone. Or to put it another way: back off and let your child live her own life.

That’s where “Don’t get me involved” comes into play. Parents of yesteryear used this phrase to encourage their children to solve their own problems, whether with school, siblings, friends, etc. Parents used to know that the only person capable of solving the problem was the person involved with the problem. In other words, when a child has a problem, the child is the only person responsible for solving the problem.

The parent shouldn’t step in just because the child doesn’t want to solve the problem. The parent shouldn’t shoulder the responsibility of solving the problem because the child doesn’t want to or says he can’t solve the problem. The only person capable of solving the child’ problem is the child.

That’s the beauty of “Don’t get me involved.” Telling your child when he comes to you with a problem, “Don’t get me involved,” reminds the child that it’s his problem, not yours, and that your involvement will not solve the problem, but instead will create more of an uncomfortable situation with the child. This works especially well with sibling conflict. The only ones who can solve sibling conflict are the siblings involved in the conflict. Telling said siblings, “Don’t get me involved,” gives them more incentive to come to a conclusion that satisfies all involved.

I encourage you to brush off the old chestnut “Don’t get me involved,” and use it freely with your children. You might find that you can join a book club, have a glass of wine by the fireplace or take up yoga with all the free time you’ll have by not being overly involved in your children’s lives.

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Also in October, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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Back Tracking

Q: I just started implementing “Teen Proofing” (based on John Rosemond’s book of the same name), and have realized that I micromanaged my 12-year-old horribly. Basically, for the past five years, I’ve been a screaming banshee with him. Through family therapy, I’ve regained control of my yelling, but my question is how do we undo our 10 years of micromanaging?

A: The bad news is that, unfortunately, you can’t undo the past, no matter how much you want to. But the good news is that you don’t have to let the past influence your future. You made mistakes—we all do as parents—and you’ll likely make some more going forward. If you haven’t already, please do apologize for yelling so much at your kids. Then use the techniques your therapist gave you to help you not allow screaming to be one of your parenting tools in the future.

Not micromanaging your child’s lives will take discipline on your part. I’d recommend before you do something for your child, count to 10 and then let him do it—or not do it, as the case may be. Let him rise to the occasion or fall on his face. He should have been learning this all along, but it’s not too late for him to catch up on this important life lesson.

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Above all, keep in mind that it’s the child who produces the child, not the parent. Each of your children is perfectly capable of handling his life. It might not look as pretty as when you do it—it will likely be messier and at times sink into disaster zones, but by taking giant steps backward in your parenting, you will be giving him the space he needs to figure out how to do things and how to handle it when things go wrong. Be prepared for him to balk at first. After all, you’ve been absorbing all the hits for him, smoothing his way, right? Add the phrase, “You can do it, I will not help you with that” to your vocabulary and use as often as needed—for him and you.

It will take a little time for you all to adjust, as you keep backing away and allowing your child to step up to the plate. Also remember that discipline doesn’t have to be meted out immediately with this age, so if you need to step away to regain control—and avoid screaming—then do so. You can deliver consequences later when you—and your son—have both cooled off.

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on “The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works” through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Also in October, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on “Parenting With Love & Leadership” in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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A Hoot and a Holler

Have you ever yelled at your kids? That’s something that every parent (including me!), no matter how well-behaved their kids are, has done. But if you do it on a daily or hourly basis, that’s a lot of frustration—more than you should have as a parent.

Most of us shout at our kids because of frustration or anger at something they’ve done—or haven’t done. But some parents yell at their teens as a form of punishment. A new study from the University of Pittsburghand University of Michiganrecently published in the Journal of Child Development found that parents who scream at their teens in this manner are upping the chances their children will develop problem behaviors and depression.

“New research reveals that harsh verbal discipline in early adolescence causes more harm than good. Instead of helping, harsh verbal discipline might actually worsen problematic behavior in teens,” reports the Counsel & Heal website. “Harsh verbal discipline can have a dramatic impact on teen's emotional development. Researchers said this is true even among those who enjoy a close relationship with their parents.”

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“This is one of the first studies to indicate that parents' harsh verbal discipline is damaging to the developing adolescent,” said lead researcher Ming-Te Wang, assistant professor of psychology in education at the University of Pittsburgh. “The notion that harsh discipline is without consequence, once there is a strong parent-child bond-that the adolescent will understand that ‘they're doing this because they love me’-is misguided because parents’ warmth didn’t lessen the effects of harsh verbal discipline.”

We as parents generally know that screaming at our kids isn’t good—for us or them. But what the article didn’t cover was how to overcome that yelling tendency.

Yelling at your children on a regular basis—and especially as form of discipline—is symptomatic of parents who do not feel in control of their parenting. A calm parent won’t scream at her child as much as one who is constantly trying to figure out how to parent.

One way to stop hollering is to adopt Alpha Speech, which basically means you talk like you’re the leader in your home. A leader doesn’t constantly explain herself. Instead, a leader gives clear instructions in as few words as possible, employing the Short and Sweet Principle: The fewer words a parent uses when giving instructions or conveying expectations, the more likely it is that the child will obey.

So stop the screaming and become an Alpha Speech expert. You’ll be amazed at much calmer you’ll be as a parent—and how more obedient your children will be as a result. And remember that obedient children are happier children than their non-obedient peers.

Until next time,

Sarah

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on “The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works” through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Also in October, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on “Parenting With Love & Leadership” in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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School Year Resolutions

Many of us make New Year’s Resolutions, and with the start of a fresh school year, I propose parents write some New School Year Resolutions of their own. Here are a few New School Year Resolutions every parent should have.

Resolution 1. I will not complain about my children’s teachers. This means, you will speak well of their teachers, not ill. That publicly and privately you will not disparage their teachers, especially in front of them or within their hearing. By the very position as a teacher in your child’s school, that person deserves your respect.

Resolution 2. I will take the teacher’s word over my child’s. This used to be commonplace in American homes, that if a teacher said a child had misbehaved, the parent would believe the teacher over any protestations from the child, knowing that a child is an unreliable witness to situations in which he has a stake. Make it clear from the outset that you will not tolerate misbehavior in the classroom and that it’s your child’s responsibility to learn how to get along with any “difficult” teachers, much as it is with any “wonderful” teachers.

Resolution 3. Homework is the sole responsibility of my child. In other words, you as a parent should not take the onus of getting homework done on your shoulders. “But what if my child doesn’t do her homework?” you ask. That’s the teacher’s responsibility to address. If the teacher gives a poor grade on uncompleted homework, then your child will suffer the consequences. If the teacher makes your child sit out recess to finish her homework in class, then your child will suffer the consequences. The only responsibility you have as a parent in regard to homework is to make sure your child has a place to do it. That’s it. Other than that, leave the homework to the child. After all, as I tell my kids, I have already passed elementary school.

Resolution 4: I will not bring homework, musical instruments or lunches to school when my child has left them at home. It is the child’s responsibility to make sure he leaves for school with all the things he needs that day. The parent who takes that responsibility on herself of bringing a left-behind item to school later is not helping her child learn that responsibility. It’s better to have a child figure out how not to forget things early in life than later in life. Less stress on the parent, too.

For our family, this week heralds the dawn of a new era with all four kids in school full time for the first time. I’m sure there will be missed lunches, forgotten worksheets and tired bodies at some point this year. But I know that with practice, our kindergartener, first grader, fourth grader and fifth grader will develop their own routines for handling school assignments and will figure out how to get along with their teachers. After all, school is but a preview of life, and the more responsibility we give our children, the more opportunities they have to shine and grow.

Until next time,

Sarah

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Keeping Summer All Year Round

How did you spend your summer as a child? Did you spend lots of time indoors staring at a flickering screen? Did you enjoy the pool, backyard, front sidewalk and other outside activities? Did you find joy in a butterfly or chasing fireflies as dusk fell? Did you build forts out of old blankets when the rain drove you inside?

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Are your favorite memories the ones involving grown-ups supervising play or sports? Or were they the times you were free from adult supervision (at least you felt like you were) and you played Ghosts in the Graveyard until dark with the neighborhood kids? Or you followed a little stream in the ditch down the street to a land of enchantment you and your best friend created in your imaginations?

Kids need plenty of fresh air, sunshine and freedom to structure their own games and play fueled by imagination. I hope that your children enjoyed as free a summer as mine did—those are the memories that they will hug close as the years go by.

As the summer winds down, don’t forget that children will still need the freedom of unstructured playtime when school starts. A kid is sitting outside staring off into space is actually experiencing important brain growth. By providing opportunities for doing nothing, you are giving your kids the best gift of all—the ability to keep summer (and all it represents) around throughout the year.

Until next time,

Sarah

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A Summer Break

Hello, readers! With summer in full swing, I'm going to take my own advice and have a vacation myself from this blog. Come join me again before school starts up for parenting commentary and advice. As always, if you have any topic or question you'd like to see covered in this blog, drop me a line through the contact page on this site.

So throw (not literally!) the kids outside, kick back and enjoy your summer, preferably with a cool drink  while lounging on the pool deck.

Until next time,
Sarah

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