Kicking It

Q. I need to do something to stop my preteen’s (12 year old) ongoing disrespect of me. It has now spilled over to other adults, such as his insulting our dinner guests last week. I am considering taking away his prized, brand-new camera, as it is long past time to teach him a lesson in this area. Your thoughts?

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A. No disrespect, but this blatant disrespect needs more than a token consequence. Taking away his prized camera is only a token consequence. What this boy needs pronto is to be kicked, as in Kicked Out of The Garden. His wake-up call needs to be loud and long to stop his slid into a degenerate teenager—which is where he is headed unless you stop pussyfooting around and get down to business.

First of all, kicking him out of his garden is no more than stripping his life down to the essentials. That means all of his possessions except for a few basic items of clothing and school gear (backpack, notebooks, etc., but no computers, electronics of any kind, music, sports activities, after school activities, etc.) will be put in storage or at least in a place inaccessible to him.

Then put up a 30-block chart on the refrigerator. Each day he’s not disrespectful gets a block crossed off at bedtime. You’ll need to be specific, such as “You are to answer me yes or no ma’am when spoken to,” etc. Tell him that the 30-day chart starts over anytime he’s disrespectful to you. When he can go the full 30 days without being disrespectful, he gets back his least favorite item or privilege. Each day after the 30 that he’s not disrespectful, he gets back another item or privilege, starting with what he values the least to what he values the most.

This should cure him after some false starts. However, please remember two things. 1) He may never get back all of his stuff/privileges. Some kids would rather wallow in misery than admit someone else has authority over them. 2) It’s up to him to change. You can’t change him. All you can do is establish what you expect and what you won’t tolerate.

Some might call this plan of attack overkill, but you have a hoodlum in training who needs a jolt to learn how to control his tongue and attitude. This is for his own good as well as for the good of your family. It’s time to kick things into high gear and reboot his life. No halfway measures will do.

Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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Parenting Basics: “What’s the Magic Word?”

Grandma was right! There is an easy way and a hard way to raise kids. By and large, today’s parents are choosing the hard way. This series of blogs will tackle familiar phrases that used to be commonplace but fell out of favor during the last few decades of the 20th century—and why parents should not be afraid to follow the sentiment expressed in the phrases.

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I’m often asked how you teach manners. The simple answer is just like you teach everything else: by example and instruction. If you’re not minding your own manners, then your children aren’t going to mind theirs.

For example, my husband and I realized a while ago that we were not setting a good example at the dinner table. We were mumbling around food in our mouths and interrupting each other and our children. So we instituted a “game” that would call out the offender for those infractions in a fun way—and as a result, we’re all eating more pleasantly and not interrupting nearly as often as before.

Start teaching manners when your children are young and add to the expectations as they grow. Parents have been using, “What’s the Magic Word?” to prompt usage of “please” for years, a phrase that is still in use today. That phrase works only on young children, though. Once a child is older, you should expect that he’ll remember to say “please” on his own. The prompting is for a toddler who doesn’t recall the proper way to ask and is more likely to demand than request.

Remember that manners are for others more than for oneself—and teaching our children respect, compassion, character, civilization and a better family through manners is no easy job. The small ways in which we honor others by thinking of them first--that's what manners are really about!--can often enrich the lives of others in ways we may never know.

So when it seems like no one else is instructing their children in manners, take heart and keep plugging away. Teaching manners is a gift we parents give to the community at large. Our job to civilize the little heathens that are our children can be thankless at times, but we are sowing seeds that will reap a harvest in the years to come. 

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Training A Child to Speak Politely

Q: What would be a good way to teach children to address adults as either ma’am or sir? We live in the South, and this type of respect is very common. I want my two children, ages two and five, to do this as a sign of respect and a nod to our culture. But I’m always nagging my older child to add the ma’am and sir. I’m tired of sounding like a broken record. I don’t want to make this a big deal, but I want results and no more nagging!

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A: We, too, believe in adding ma’am and sir after yeses and nos, and it took a little time before our children caught on. We simply decided that it was a big deal and then worked on it with all of the kids at once (the youngest was around three at the time).

The easiest way to do this is to tell your children that you expect them to answer any adult—including you—with yes/no ma’am/sir. Inform the older child once, then stop giving second chances. No prompting, “Yes, what?” The younger one, you’ll need to make it more of a game, but he should follow the example of his older sibling in time.

When he doesn’t answer correctly by just saying, “Yes,” then send him directly to his room for an hour, keep him inside for an hour or pull the plug on a favorite TV show for the day—whatever you think will make an impression on him. At five, he’s plenty old enough to remember to say ma’am and sir.

With the holidays just around the corner, now is the perfect time for practicing his manners. Before we head out to go trick-or-treating, I remind my children that if they don’t remember to say, “Trick or Treat” and “Please,” and “Thank you,” when they knock on door—in a voice loud enough for us to hear them—then the candy they receive goes into Mom and Dad’s stash. That’s enough to make them overcome their “shyness” and remember their manners.

Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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Get Out the (Kids) Vote

Election Day always brings a fissure of excitement to our household, even years—like this one—that are not presidential or even congressional elections. We are a family that embraces any chance to vote for our local, state and federal governments as a chance to participate fully in this great nation of ours.

But on the so-called “off years,” those without federal candidates up for office, turnout is likely to be low, very low. I always take my kids whenever possible to the polls so that they can learn from an early age why voting matters. If our children see us not caring about who runs our local government, or our state, then why should they? If our kids see us only voting on the “big” elections, like the presidential ones, they will conclude that only those really matter.

And that would be a shame, because it’s the local elections that have the biggest impact on our daily lives. It’s the statewide elections that often dictate how our tax money is spent and how our schools are run. Each chance to cast your vote is a chance to put democracy into action.

For our kids, imparting that sense of responsibility about voting is the foundation of what makes a good citizen. By helping our children understand citizenship, we can start them on the path to being involved citizens when they grow up.

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Here are some ways to instill a right understanding—and a love of voting—in your children.

Look at the historical record. There are many examples of men and women who changed the course of history through the political system. There are also instances of when one vote—or a few votes—made the difference in an election.

Debate the issues.With younger children, discuss what each candidate believes. For older kids, hold mock debates to bring the issues alive.

Join the cause.If you have older teens, they can participate in campaigning for a particular candidate alongside you. Walking neighborhoods, making phone calls and giving out literature can give them an appreciation for what it takes to run for office.

Let them vote with you. Don’t leave the kids at home when you go vote. I still remember the thrill of joining my mom in the old-fashioned voting booths, the ones with the little levers and the curtain that swooshed closed when you were inside. Those memories helped spur me to register to vote—and to exercise my right to cast a ballot.

You can read more about why we should teach our kids to vote in “Why we should teach our kids about the election process.”

Until next time,

Sarah

Early next year, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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Boo! Spooky Lessons From a Scary Holiday

To most kids, Halloween can be one of the best holidays ever. Dressing up, getting candy, staying up late—what could be better to a child? But sometimes, Halloween can be frightening to parents. What about the scary costumed older kids your little one may encounter? Will the candy be safe to eat? What about knocking on the doors of strangers—won’t that send the wrong message to my kids?

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Here are some tips to make Halloween safe and fun for your children.

1. Costume safety comes before fashion. If a hemline drags the ground, chances are your child will tip over sometime during the evening. If a mask is too loose, your kid might fall down, too. Make sure the costumes aren’t a walking hazard for your child and you’ll have an easier evening.
2. Stick to your own neighborhood. Unless you live in candy wasteland, resist the urge to go to the mall or another neighborhood to trick-or-treat. Part of the fun of Halloween is actually talking to your neighbors! Introduce yourselves and your kids, and be sure to say hello the next time you see him mowing the lawn.
3. Mind your manners. Remind your children to speak to the grownups who open their doors, saying “please” and “thank you.” Also, ask them not to grab big handfuls of candy from the offered bowl. We make it a rule that if we can’t hear the “thank you” from each child from our post a few feet away, then that candy is ours. We’ve never had to enforce that rule, come to think of it! Somehow, the kids manage to be pretty clear in their thanks.
4. Have a candy-eating policy before Halloween. We generally allow the kids to eat a lot of candy on Halloween itself. Then they can take a piece with their lunch until it’s gone. Sometimes that means Halloween candy is being consumed close to Christmas, but candy doesn’t go bad, right? The kids know that if they sneak candy, Mom and Dad get to eat the rest!
5. Giving is as good as receiving. Part of the fun for our family is returning home and handing out candy to those who knock on our door. All of our kids really enjoy this part of the evening and are disappointed if no one comes looking for candy.

Whatever your Halloween traditions, stay safe and have a sweet time! I know my Dorothy, Mary, Robin Hood and Dragon will.

Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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Scared Stiff

I was quite the scaredy cat as a child. Shadows in the night spooked me at times, and let’s not think about things that went bump in the darkness! Forget watching scary movies or even those with the barest hint of zombies, vampires, ghosts or goblins.

Some of my friends had no such qualms. The scarier the better for them. A moonless night and the sound of a lonely werewolf only brought howls of laughter, not shudders of fear.

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Things got pretty dark a few decades ago, but nothing like today’s saturation with darkness. Movies like World War Z, television shows like “The Walking Dead,” book and film series juggernauts like Twilight and Harry Potter have brought zombies, vampires and wizardry into vogue.

With so much dark stuff surrounding us on a regular basis, it can be easy to forget that children of all ages can find such things disturbing or scary. Rather than assume our kids are fine with the images and increasingly life-like skeletons, zombies and vampires, we should use these encounters to remind them that these things especially visible this time of year are not real.

We kept an eye on how our children reacted to scary things and either avoided houses with more realistic Halloween decorations or visited in the daytime so that the child could clearly see it wasn’t real. How are some ways you’ve handled a scared child this time of year?

Until next time,

Sarah

Early next year, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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Parental Postings

Most parents think nothing of uploading information and photos of their children on social media, but are they overlooking the risk factors? We have chosen not to post any photographs or images of our children with the rare exception if the picture doesn’t show their face at all. We also don’t list our children’s full names, only their first initial, in postings.

Are we especially paranoid? Or just a bit odd? We freely acknowledge that we are outside the norm, given how many photos of children proliferate Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and other social media and websites. And we certainly don’t expect everyone to follow our lead—that’s a decision each family needs to make on their own.

But here’s some food for thought: each time a photo or story about your child is uploaded, that image or mention will likely follow your child around forever. As we’ve learned over the years, once something is out there in cyberspace, it can take on a life of its own. Yes, there are things you can do to mitigate that, by removing GPS tags, by keeping on top of the ever-changing privacy rules for Facebook and other social media sites.

I’ve come up with a few questions I like to ask myself before sharing anything about my children in any type of public forum—whether it’s in an article, to a group of moms, on Facebook or in a book.

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Will my child be embarrassed to have this story overheard today? Next year? As an adult? Sometimes, things that would embarrass our child today would be okay in a few weeks or even years. Other times, it’s an incident that might be best left within the family.

Is this gossip?We often don’t think that we can gossip about our own family, but we can. Thinking about our stories and images of our children as potential gossip can curtail our impulse to post.

Am I sharing this story or photo because I want to “show-off” my child? If you’re after merely a response or “likes” for the photo, then maybe you’re not posting for the right reasons.

What is my motive for sharing this particular image or story? This is even tougher for those of us with home-based businesses or how are self-employed. As a parent coach and someone who writes about parenting, I have to be careful about what stories I use from my own family and which ones I keep locked in the family vault, so to speak.

These questions are a good place to start when thinking about to post or not to post. For more in-depth coverage of this issue, read “Pictures of Your Kids: To Post or to Pass?”

Until next time,

Sarah

Early next year, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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