We all want to protect our children, but we need to take care that our actions don’t overstep and become micromanagement. Micromanaging is a form of overprotecting our children. A micromanager exercises excessive control, especially over the details.
The easiest way to derail your parenting is to become a micromanager. This is when you hover over your child and don’t give him space to fail and experience frustration. We need to be micromanagers to some extent when our kids are under 3, but most of us forget to stop when they are able to do things for themselves.
How to tell if you’re a micromanager? Ask yourself these questions:
Do I explain myself too much to my kids? Today’s parents over-explain every decision and command to their children. Instead of telling a child, “Clean up your room,” parents say, “Clean up your room because I’m having company over and your room is right next to the hall bathroom and I don’t want people to see the mess in there….” By the time you’re finished, most kids have forgotten the original command. The other problem with explaining is that it invites push-back from the child, as to the clean room example: “I’ll just close my door and no one will see the mess.”
Do I immediately think terrible things will happen if I don’t pay close attention to the nitty-gritty? Micromanagers also tend to be apocalyptic thinkers, using this as a way to defend their micromanagement. For example, a mom might see her child struggling to tie his shoes and think: “If I don’t tie his shoes for him, they’ll come untied. Then he’ll trip and fall and break his neck and be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life.”
Am I a helicopter parent? A micromanaging parent also can be overly vigilant in the behavior of your child, fearful that if you don’t continually manage his life, things will fall apart. A news story a few months ago tied helicopter parents to depression in kids. The study focused on college students, but you know that if the parents are micromanaging college for their kids, they started micromanaging when their children were young. The study found that parents who micromanaged their college student’s schedule, vacation and laundry were doing harm to those kids, who tended to be more depressed and express dissatisfaction with life.
If you want to stop the helicopter parenting, here are some ways to ease off the throttle.
First, begin by taking a giant step back from everything that your child does. Before you rush to help or direct, count to 10 and ask yourself, “Is this something my child can figure out for herself if I give her time?” Then give her the time to do so.
Second, start incorporating these phrases more when talking with your children:
“I want you to,”
“It’s time to,”
“You will.”
Finally, be prepared for the child to whine that he can’t do it because you’ve trained him by your micromanagement to think he can’t. Be firm in saying he can do this on his own—then back off and let him.
Just think of how much time you’ll gain when you stop micromanaging your children. I highly recommend turning your focus back on your husband, as a helicopter parent is one who is probably also neglecting her spouse.
Until next time,
Sarah
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