A Hoot and a Holler

Have you ever yelled at your kids? That’s something that every parent (including me!), no matter how well-behaved their kids are, has done. But if you do it on a daily or hourly basis, that’s a lot of frustration—more than you should have as a parent.

Most of us shout at our kids because of frustration or anger at something they’ve done—or haven’t done. But some parents yell at their teens as a form of punishment. A new study from the University of Pittsburghand University of Michiganrecently published in the Journal of Child Development found that parents who scream at their teens in this manner are upping the chances their children will develop problem behaviors and depression.

“New research reveals that harsh verbal discipline in early adolescence causes more harm than good. Instead of helping, harsh verbal discipline might actually worsen problematic behavior in teens,” reports the Counsel & Heal website. “Harsh verbal discipline can have a dramatic impact on teen's emotional development. Researchers said this is true even among those who enjoy a close relationship with their parents.”

Image courtesy of  David Castillo Dominici/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

“This is one of the first studies to indicate that parents' harsh verbal discipline is damaging to the developing adolescent,” said lead researcher Ming-Te Wang, assistant professor of psychology in education at the University of Pittsburgh. “The notion that harsh discipline is without consequence, once there is a strong parent-child bond-that the adolescent will understand that ‘they're doing this because they love me’-is misguided because parents’ warmth didn’t lessen the effects of harsh verbal discipline.”

We as parents generally know that screaming at our kids isn’t good—for us or them. But what the article didn’t cover was how to overcome that yelling tendency.

Yelling at your children on a regular basis—and especially as form of discipline—is symptomatic of parents who do not feel in control of their parenting. A calm parent won’t scream at her child as much as one who is constantly trying to figure out how to parent.

One way to stop hollering is to adopt Alpha Speech, which basically means you talk like you’re the leader in your home. A leader doesn’t constantly explain herself. Instead, a leader gives clear instructions in as few words as possible, employing the Short and Sweet Principle: The fewer words a parent uses when giving instructions or conveying expectations, the more likely it is that the child will obey.

So stop the screaming and become an Alpha Speech expert. You’ll be amazed at much calmer you’ll be as a parent—and how more obedient your children will be as a result. And remember that obedient children are happier children than their non-obedient peers.

Until next time,

Sarah

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on “The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works” through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Also in October, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on “Parenting With Love & Leadership” in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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School Year Resolutions

Many of us make New Year’s Resolutions, and with the start of a fresh school year, I propose parents write some New School Year Resolutions of their own. Here are a few New School Year Resolutions every parent should have.

Resolution 1. I will not complain about my children’s teachers. This means, you will speak well of their teachers, not ill. That publicly and privately you will not disparage their teachers, especially in front of them or within their hearing. By the very position as a teacher in your child’s school, that person deserves your respect.

Resolution 2. I will take the teacher’s word over my child’s. This used to be commonplace in American homes, that if a teacher said a child had misbehaved, the parent would believe the teacher over any protestations from the child, knowing that a child is an unreliable witness to situations in which he has a stake. Make it clear from the outset that you will not tolerate misbehavior in the classroom and that it’s your child’s responsibility to learn how to get along with any “difficult” teachers, much as it is with any “wonderful” teachers.

Resolution 3. Homework is the sole responsibility of my child. In other words, you as a parent should not take the onus of getting homework done on your shoulders. “But what if my child doesn’t do her homework?” you ask. That’s the teacher’s responsibility to address. If the teacher gives a poor grade on uncompleted homework, then your child will suffer the consequences. If the teacher makes your child sit out recess to finish her homework in class, then your child will suffer the consequences. The only responsibility you have as a parent in regard to homework is to make sure your child has a place to do it. That’s it. Other than that, leave the homework to the child. After all, as I tell my kids, I have already passed elementary school.

Resolution 4: I will not bring homework, musical instruments or lunches to school when my child has left them at home. It is the child’s responsibility to make sure he leaves for school with all the things he needs that day. The parent who takes that responsibility on herself of bringing a left-behind item to school later is not helping her child learn that responsibility. It’s better to have a child figure out how not to forget things early in life than later in life. Less stress on the parent, too.

For our family, this week heralds the dawn of a new era with all four kids in school full time for the first time. I’m sure there will be missed lunches, forgotten worksheets and tired bodies at some point this year. But I know that with practice, our kindergartener, first grader, fourth grader and fifth grader will develop their own routines for handling school assignments and will figure out how to get along with their teachers. After all, school is but a preview of life, and the more responsibility we give our children, the more opportunities they have to shine and grow.

Until next time,

Sarah

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Keeping Summer All Year Round

How did you spend your summer as a child? Did you spend lots of time indoors staring at a flickering screen? Did you enjoy the pool, backyard, front sidewalk and other outside activities? Did you find joy in a butterfly or chasing fireflies as dusk fell? Did you build forts out of old blankets when the rain drove you inside?

Image courtesy of chrisroll/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Are your favorite memories the ones involving grown-ups supervising play or sports? Or were they the times you were free from adult supervision (at least you felt like you were) and you played Ghosts in the Graveyard until dark with the neighborhood kids? Or you followed a little stream in the ditch down the street to a land of enchantment you and your best friend created in your imaginations?

Kids need plenty of fresh air, sunshine and freedom to structure their own games and play fueled by imagination. I hope that your children enjoyed as free a summer as mine did—those are the memories that they will hug close as the years go by.

As the summer winds down, don’t forget that children will still need the freedom of unstructured playtime when school starts. A kid is sitting outside staring off into space is actually experiencing important brain growth. By providing opportunities for doing nothing, you are giving your kids the best gift of all—the ability to keep summer (and all it represents) around throughout the year.

Until next time,

Sarah

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A Summer Break

Hello, readers! With summer in full swing, I'm going to take my own advice and have a vacation myself from this blog. Come join me again before school starts up for parenting commentary and advice. As always, if you have any topic or question you'd like to see covered in this blog, drop me a line through the contact page on this site.

So throw (not literally!) the kids outside, kick back and enjoy your summer, preferably with a cool drink  while lounging on the pool deck.

Until next time,
Sarah

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Traveling Blues

Q: We’re heading out to the beach next month and I’m already dreading the seven-hour car trip with our three, elementary school age kids. Last year, the three of them fought and picked on each other the entire trip. I don’t think our family can survive a repeat of that. Help!

A: Oh, I feel your pain but don’t worry, I have a most ingenious solution, one that will make the car trip much more pleasant. It’s called “Ticket to Ride.”

Here’s how it works: Each child has three tickets for the car trip to the beach. You outline clearly as to what behaviors will not be tolerated. For the behaviors, be specific and target the top five, such as

1. No name calling.
2. No hitting, pinching, slapping, tickling, etc.
3. No whining about someone else’s behavior.
4. Only one “Are we there yet?” allowed from each child.
5. No taking another child’s things.

Each time a child does one of the target behaviors—the very first time—then that child loses one ticket. A child must have a ticket left when you arrive at the beach in order to play on the shore when the family hits the beach for the first time, whether that will be when you arrive or the next morning, depending on what you usually do.

Then stick with it. If all three children lose their tickets before you arrive at your destination, then all three kids sit out under the umbrella in their street clothes while you and your husband live it up on the beach.

This puts the responsibility for their behavior on the ones who can control it—the kids. You might find you have a very quiet car ride for most of the seven hours.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

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A Modern Umbilical Cord

A very long time ago, mothers used long apron strings to keep a toddler out of harms way, tying the child to a piece of furniture that allowed the kid movement but not to run away or fall into the fireplace. Most parents would agree that it’s not necessary to have apron strings today, but what they don’t seem to realize is that cell phones have replaced apron strings as a way to keep a child connected to the mother ship. (Let’s face it: most fathers are not the ones advocating for their kids to have cell phones—it’s the mothers who feel the need to stay in near-constant touch with the children.)

Today’s child is connected to his parents more than any other previous generation because of the rise of mobile devices. An article in Psychology Today put it this way: “The perpetual access to parents infantilizes the young, keeping them in a permanent state of dependency. Whenever the slightest difficulty arises,” the child calls the parent immediately for guidance. “They’re not learning to manage for themselves.”

Cell phones for kids have stunted their growth in that children are not learning how to internalize an image of their parents and the values/advice Mom and Dad imparted to them. That image and recollection is crucial for children because it’s used whenever they find themselves facing difficulty or uncertainty, becoming the adults they know and being able to make a good decision. But with Mom or Dad only a quick call away, kids are not figuring things out on their own, relying instead on calling their parents for the answer.

Another way cell phones are undermining growth is the inability to plan ahead. Teens and college students often phone friends with things like, “I’m finished studying. Let’s go out for pizza.” If they didn’t have mobile devices, they would have to think about their schedules and arrange a meeting time—planning ahead.

Mobile phones also “promote fragility by weakening self-regulation.” In other words, cell phones condition the user to getting what she wants right away. That in turn generates frustration and impatience at the drop of a hat. And it also makes it harder for relationships to succeed because the person has a much lower threshold for frustration and wants things to work out immediately.

Definitely some food for thought when it comes to children and mobile phones. Personally, we have no plans for any of our children to have cell phones, mobile devices, tablets, etc., until they are old enough to pay for said devices and data plans themselves. Information like this makes it that much easier for us to keep that goal in mind as our children grow.

Until next time,

Sarah

Note: Information quoted came from “A Nation of Wimps,” Psychology Today, originally published Nov. 1, 2004.

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Meltdowns! (And We’re Not Talking About Ice Cream)

Q: My four-year-old son keeps throwing temper tantrums in stores. It usually starts when I deny him something he wants (cereal, candy, a coloring book, etc.). As soon as I say “no,” down on the floor he goes, kicking and screaming. I confess that I’ve given in because I’m so embarrassed, but I know that’s not going to stop the tantrums. What can I do?

A: First of all, let me assure you that we’ve all had kids meltdown in public, whether it’s in a store or a restaurant or at the park. Please don’t think the majority of people are judging you because your child has become a squirming mass of temper.

Second, you can cure your son of his public—and private—outbursts with a little planning and thick skin. The planning will help you not be caught off guard when the tantrum ensures, the thick skin will help you follow through on those plans.

Here’s what you do. Each day, visit a store for no other reason than to train your child on how to behave. Have a few things you can buy on a list but don’t expect to do any major shopping. This is purely for his benefit.

Then give him explicit instructions, but only three or four at the most. Those might include

1. Hold my hand inside the store.
2. Don’t touch unless you ask permission.
3. We’re only going to get what’s on my list.

Finally, off to the store. Plan on staying about half an hour, browsing around to give him a chance to throw a temper tantrum (yes, you read right—you are hoping he will have a meltdown so you can put phase two into action). When he asks for something not on the list—and his previous behavior has indicated he will—simply say it’s not on the list and continue your shopping. When he starts to throw himself on the ground and cry, calmly leave your cart or basket, pick him up and leave the store.

Remember, you’re expecting this and already know what you’re going to do. Don’t comment on his behavior, simply buckle him in his car seat and return home. Then your son gets to spend the rest of the day in his room—stripped of play value—and to bed directly after an early dinner (5 p.m. is ideal, so he’s in bed by 5:30 p.m., lights out). One or two such trips with the same end result and he’ll straighten up—and you’ll be able to take him shopping without meltdowns.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

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