The Victory of Failure

What do I mean by the title of this blog, that failure can be a victory? Simply this: Children need to experience pain and discomfort in order to properly negotiate life.

Often, parents try to minimize the amount of pain and frustration in their children’s lives because it makes kids unhappy. But children who don’t learn how to handle pain and disappointment are the ones who grow up to become young adults who often fail to launch after college (or who drop out of college without finishing their degree) because they don’t know how to handle failure.

I recently read How Children Succeed by Paul Tough, who explored why some kids excel and others don’t. Part of the reason boils down to character. Those children who overcome obstacles are not always the ones who are the smartest, or even come from a stable home. It’s the kids who develop character—those are the ones who succeed at life.

In talking about his own parenting of a young son, Tough said that “the long struggle we will face, as all parents do, between our urge to provide everything for our child, to protect him from all harm, and our knowledge that if we really want him to succeed, we need to first let him fail. Or, more precisely, we need to help him learn to manage failure.”

How do we let our children fail? Here are few ways we can take that step back and let the child sink or swim on his own.

1. Stop helping with homework. Instead of hovering around your child while he does his homework, ignore him. If he asks for help, ask him to struggle on for a bit more on his own. Most of the time, the child just wants an easy way to solve a difficult problem. By letting your child own his homework, then you set him up for success or failure on his own, thus building self confidence as well as how to handle not doing well.
2. Let her get the grades her work deserves. So many times, we want our children to succeed academically at all costs, even to the point of asking teachers what extra curricular work the child can do to improve the grade. We tell our children’s teachers that we expect them to get the grades they earn—and we’re prepared to enforce that even when they get to high school.
3. Take a step back. If you see your child struggling with something, don’t jump in right away. Step back and let the child figure out if he can tie his shoes, ride his bike without training wheels or whatever else is the trouble. Sure, the kid will likely fall off the bike more times than he stays on in the beginning, but by not rushing in to help each time he experiences frustration at his lack of ability, you’ll help him learn to succeed on his own.
4. Share your own failures. When your kids see how you handle life’s disappointments, they learn how they can, too. I recently had a novel rejected by an agent, a nice rejection, but a “no” all the same. I shared the news with my family at dinner one evening, and while the children could see I was disappointed, they also saw that I wasn’t crushed beyond hope. In talking about my own failure, I helped them see how they can process their own failures.

 These are only a few ways to help children learn to succeed—by first learning how to fail.

Until next time,

Sarah

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Forget Me Not

Q: What can we do when our fourth grader forgets to take her homework, lunch, violin, etc., with her to school? It used to not happen too often, but lately it seems that every week, she’s getting on the bus without something. I’ve been driving the item to school for her. How do I get her to remember what she needs each day for school?

A: The quick answer is that you stop bringing whatever she’s forgotten to school. Now I’ll answer your objections (because I’m almost positive there will be objections to this dose of reality on such a tender person).

First, ask yourself whose things have been forgotten, yours or your daughter’s? Right, your daughter’s. You’re not in fourth grade, so those are not your things left lying on the kitchen table.

Second, if it’s not your things, but your daughter’s, then who should have the responsibility of remembering said items? Right again, your daughter. You can see where I’m heading, can’t you?

Third, if it’s your daughter’s responsibility to remember her school things, then how does your bringing the forgotten item to school help her to take that responsibility? Right for the third time: It doesn’t. It only reinforces that she doesn’t have to remember because mommy will bring the item to school if the daughter forgets.

Now, before you object that your little darling will starve if you don’t bring her lunch, all public elementary schools will give a child cold cereal if that child forgets her lunch and doesn’t have any money on her lunch card. So rest assured that she will be fed.

For the other objection that I’m sure is flitting through your mind, that she will fail in some way that day’s music lesson or project, then I say, “So what?” Is it better for her to learn in elementary school—when the stakes for forgetting something are much lower—to be responsible for her school work or when she’s a senior in high school and that missed project could impact her grade point average?

And yes, if any one of my children forget a project on the day that it’s due, don’t remember their lunch or anything else school-related, we are perfectly prepared to let said child experience the full, natural consequences of that forgetfulness. Most of the time, all it will take is one time, and you’ll be amazed at how quickly the child will become at remembering everything needed for school.

See how easy it is to figure these things out with a little commonsense and some clarity of thought?

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

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Halting the Helicopter Blades

We all want to protect our children, but we need to take care that our actions don’t overstep and become micromanagement. Micromanaging is a form of overprotecting our children. A micromanager exercises excessive control, especially over the details.

The easiest way to derail your parenting is to become a micromanager. This is when you hover over your child and don’t give him space to fail and experience frustration. We need to be micromanagers to some extent when our kids are under 3, but most of us forget to stop when they are able to do things for themselves.

How to tell if you’re a micromanager? Ask yourself these questions:

Do I explain myself too much to my kids? Today’s parents over-explain every decision and command to their children. Instead of telling a child, “Clean up your room,” parents say, “Clean up your room because I’m having company over and your room is right next to the hall bathroom and I don’t want people to see the mess in there….” By the time you’re finished, most kids have forgotten the original command. The other problem with explaining is that it invites push-back from the child, as to the clean room example: “I’ll just close my door and no one will see the mess.”

Do I immediately think terrible things will happen if I don’t pay close attention to the nitty-gritty? Micromanagers also tend to be apocalyptic thinkers, using this as a way to defend their micromanagement. For example, a mom might see her child struggling to tie his shoes and think: “If I don’t tie his shoes for him, they’ll come untied. Then he’ll trip and fall and break his neck and be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life.”

Am I a helicopter parent? A micromanaging parent also can be overly vigilant in the behavior of your child, fearful that if you don’t continually manage his life, things will fall apart. A news story a few months ago tied helicopter parents to depression in kids. The study focused on college students, but you know that if the parents are micromanaging college for their kids, they started micromanaging when their children were young. The study found that parents who micromanaged their college student’s schedule, vacation and laundry were doing harm to those kids, who tended to be more depressed and express dissatisfaction with life.

If you want to stop the helicopter parenting, here are some ways to ease off the throttle.

First, begin by taking a giant step back from everything that your child does. Before you rush to help or direct, count to 10 and ask yourself, “Is this something my child can figure out for herself if I give her time?” Then give her the time to do so.

Second, start incorporating these phrases more when talking with your children:

“I want you to,”

“It’s time to,”

“You will.”

Finally, be prepared for the child to whine that he can’t do it because you’ve trained him by your micromanagement to think he can’t. Be firm in saying he can do this on his own—then back off and let him.

Just think of how much time you’ll gain when you stop micromanaging your children. I highly recommend turning your focus back on your husband, as a helicopter parent is one who is probably also neglecting her spouse.

Until next time,

Sarah

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E-readers Okay for Kids?

Q: I’m not a fan of television and video games for children. What’s your opinion about e-readers? I’m thinking of getting my eight-year-old one because ebooks are so much less expensive but was a bit concerned about more screen time.

A: I’m old-fashioned when it comes to electronics and children, especially young children, and recommend the bare minimum of total screen time (including computers, video games, and television/movies). That said, I’m a huge proponent of reading. Our kids love physical books, but would probably enjoy having an e-reader.

If you feel that your child would take care of such a device, then get one for him. I would recommend buying an e-reader only, not a tablet with Internet connectivity or the ability to play games, etc. Restrict its usage like you would any other toy, such as no reading until chores and homework are finished, and no reader after bedtime.

With those caveats, encouraging your child to read is always a good thing—just make sure you supplement with trips to the library to check out the real thing from time to time.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

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Where Did All the Commonsense Go?

Some days, I really wonder what happened to all the commonsense that used to permeate parenting in the United States. The things parents do and think today can be rather mind-boggling, and, I think, would sound strange to our grandparents and great-grandparents.

Let me give two examples of what I mean.

First, parents used to think that raising children is no big deal, but it is a big responsibility.

Today, you often hear mothers say that raising children is the hardest thing they’ve ever done. What that statement misses is that raising kids is not hard—we’ve made it much more difficult than it needs to be by flipping the equation. Now we think raising children is a big deal and if we don’t do it right, they won’t get into college and have a good job and a career, and other apocalyptic thinking.

Second, parents used to take child rearing seriously but not children seriously.

Children do the strangest, silliest things. Haven’t you found some of the things they do plain old hilarious? If not, then you’re not alone. Collectively, we’ve lost our sense of humor and delight in what children do and say.

Instead, we view children very seriously, and often over-react to the things that are typical weird kid things. For example, when one of my daughters was around five, I saw her licking the wall down the hallway.

Now, some parents would have played detective and asked her why she was licking the wall. Maybe she wasn’t getting enough salt? Maybe she’s upset about something? However, I knew that kids just do the darnest things and simply told her to stop licking the wall—and shared a chuckle with my husband about it later.

Getting back to commonsense on this type of thinking means you view child rearing as a big—and serious—responsibility, but that you don’t view it as particularly hard, nor do you take what your kids do too seriously. Above all, remember to enjoy your kids and all the strange, weird, head-scratching things they do.

Until next time,

Sarah 

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What to Expect From a Toddler

Q: Our toddler (nearly two years old) is happy and independent, but suddenly, he’s started throwing things whenever we tell him no. His facial expression turns angry, too. He’ll usually comply with our request, but then he’ll cry, hit the wall with his hand or foot, or throw a toy across the room. We usually scold him for the behavior, but this has been getting worse. For example, any change in our routine is met with anger and outbursts.

A: There’s a reason this age is sometimes referred to as “terrible,” but take heart, he will outgrow it soon enough! For an excellent overview of this age and how to handle it, I highly recommend John Rosemond’s Making the Terrible Twos Terrific. This book has tons of sensible and commonsense advice, with plenty of questions and answers from parents.

But I’m here to help you with this problem. Here’s the bottom line: your son wants what he wants when he wants it. That’s the very basic definition of a toddler. And a toddler has no filters or self-control enough to stop himself when he’s denied what he wants when he wants it. That’s the background of his behavior.

Now on to the remedy. Ignore his outbursts after he has obeyed you. If his temper tantrums after the obedience become bigger than one toy tossed across the room or one wall kicked, then you should simply put him in his room or crib until he calms down. Don’t say anything to him about his behavior beyond a concise, “No throwing.” He’ll get the picture, but things might get worse before he does, which, again, is typical at this age.

Finally, remember that part of his job as a toddler is to test limits and figure things out. His frustration level is extremely low, and with your patient and consistent correction, it will grow higher as he grows up. Keep in mind that our children—at any age—are likely to do any number of weird, strange, and terrible things. That’s just how kids are, and the more you can keep that in the front of your mind, the more you’ll be able to respond calmly and collectively to his misbehavior.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

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Parental Vision

How would you describe your child at age 30? How you answer that question tells about your parenting vision for your children.

I can almost guarantee not one of you reading this blog said:

• Graduate at the top of his high school or college class
• Get into an Ivy league school
• Play a professional sport
• Have a fancy house or a high-paying job.

I’ll bet you listed things like:

• Honest
• Hard working
• Responsible
• Respectful
• Loving
• Godly
• Truthful.

All those are characteristics. These are character traits, not achievements.

Think about the vision you have for your children and then think about how you are parenting. Do your decisions as a parent reflect the vision you have for your kids? Do the things you encourage your children to accomplish build toward the vision you have for them as adults?

Image courtesy of Maggie Smith/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

When you have a clear vision for your children, then your parenting decisions will come easier. Taking the long view of raising kids will help you in the short term.

I encourage you to talk with your spouse and write down the vision you have for your child as a 30-year-old. Then post it somewhere in the house for you and your spouse to look at on a regular basis.

Now whenever you wonder what to do about discipline, consequences, addressing behavior, and virtually any parental decision, think about that vision. For example, if your child shirks his chores, remember that you want him to be hard working and responsible. That should assist you in your correction of his behavior.

If your child is being mean to her sibling, keep in mind you want her to grow up to be loving and act accordingly. If you aim the parental arrow of discipline to the bulls eye of that vision and shoot, even if you miss the center, you’ll still be shooting within the range of your vision.

Having a vision for your kids and keeping that vision in mind as you parent will get you over both the rough and smooth patches of child-rearing.

What is your vision?

Until next time,

Sarah

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