The Great Debate

Q: We have argumentative children. My kids argue with us about every decision we make. If we say the sun rises in the east, we’d get an argument. It’s really wearing us down. How do we stop this endless debate?

A: I hate to break it to you, but you don’t have argumentative kids. Hard to believe when the evidence is right before you? Here’s what I mean: Your children argue with you because you give them leeway to do so.

You say you don’t? I’ll bet instructions are given something like this: “John, a friend is coming over soon and we need to use the living room. Don’t you think you should pick up your toys so we have a place to sit down? No? Let’s do it together, okay?”

By phrasing instruction as a question, you invite pushback. And children pick up on that distinction right away. If you’re truly giving them an option between chocolate and vanilla ice cream, then a query is appropriate. If you want them to pick up their toys, then don’t phrase it like it’s optional.

In the above example, here’s what you should say instead: “John, please pick up the toys in the living room now. I’ll be back in five minutes to see that it’s done.” Then you walk away, ignoring any sounds or murmurs of protest from the child. If the toys are not picked up, you deal with the disobedience.

Much of what passes for instruction between parent and child consists of the parent trying to couch her commands in the softest possible way to avoid sounding like she’s in charge. That in turn gives the child leeway to refuse or argue about the rightness or wrongness of the request.

So stop being wishy-washy when it comes to instruction. Simply tell the kids in declarative statements what you want them to do. Unfortunately, human nature being what it is, you’ll never totally eliminate debates, but this will lower the number of arguments between parent and child considerably.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.